Child

over the past few days i have been very upset. i think it’s slowly starting to hit me that for my own benefit i need to be alone and not be sexually involved with men, because it is starting to turn me a bit crazy.

all my experience with guys has always been sex. i’ve never ever had a guy friend who is just a friend. i find this quite worrying.

even as a child all my experiences with men were sexual.

now i am 20 and still cannot really say i’ve ever had a male friend who i have not thought of in a sexual way or a romantic way or have expected them to be sexually attracted to me.

i think this is mentally unhealthy.

i feel very vulnerable atm. i’ve been getting very depressed as the time comes for me to restart counselling again.

it’s finally dawned on me that this is the 2nd chapter, of perhaps many more to come.

it is very exhausting.

i feel very alone.

all i’d like is a hug or someone to tell how i feel properly without having to cover up my feelings or pretend to be strong. in the past i always relied on partners for that. maybe thats my downfall. trusting people too much before i got to know them.

trusting people not to abuse me.

which led to abuse.

i think i need to give myself a break and hug myself mentally and emotionally.

i’ve always tried to plan ahead, so now i’m going to try and take things as they come, which will be hard and a big change.

i feel very out of control.

i don’t like it. 

change is bringing me depression and confusion in my mental state.

the right to insanity

today i woke up at 6pm. i don’t know if it is the onset of depression, but that would not surprise me.

this morning i had a dream. it was about me walking with a guy who i assume was my ‘boyfriend’ who was carrying a baby. we had gone out somewhere with a group of friends who had deserted us and left us in a dangerous situation, so we decided to make our way back home. as my dream bf was pushing the pram,an old man came up to us and started touching up the baby. this resulted in me punching the old man. who then bit me, i was unable to unclench his jaw from my arm. we then got on the bus and he came to sit next to me. i then woke up.

i’m guessing the dream is about child abuse and me not actually being able to defend myself as a child, and now being haunted by the old man after he has left the child.

it’s pretty horrible to have these dreams, but i’m guessing my brain has to deal with trauma in someway.

i’ve also been crying on and off for the past few days and now have the biggest headache.

i feel as if i am going crazy

once again i’m suffering due to something that wasn’t my fault and which a lot of people don’t understand. and it’s hard to deal with.

tomorrow is my brothers birthday. which means i have to go home and sit in front of my mother’s denial.

i still don’t know if i’ll be making the visit.

pretty exhausted and tiring of all of this tbh.

i think the depression may have been triggered by me using some mdma this weekend, bumping into 2 ex partners- one of them being the guy who had issues with domestic violence, and anxiety resulting after i hooked up with some guy at a party.

it would be nice to just float away in a little bubble somewhere and not have to deal with life