my healing journey

Archive for the ‘stress’ Category

Trauma and memories

My brain seems to be getting into a new habit of making me remember all the traumatic memories I have right before I go to sleep.

That time before you sleep and you are supposed to be lying down with nothing running through your mind, I don;t have that anymore instead I have images of horrible events clear like photographs in my mind as soon as I close my eyes.

I guess it is my brain trying to process them but it’s not helping. You would think your brain is on your side instead of working against you. I’m supposed to wind down and relax before sleep not tense up and be traumatised.

Instead of sleeping at night I sleep in the morning. I guess during the light there’s less places for these thoughts to hide. They seem to only come out at night.

I feel like a part of me is still stuck in childhood. Like my brain hasn’t caught up or accepted that I’m an adult now and I am no longer stuck in these horrible moments- that I don’t have to keep replaying them, that I deserve to give myself a break.

 

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Failure to relax

It feels as if each day is the same. A constant repetition. I will go to sleep late attached to my laptop, wake up around 7am, force myself to sleep – constantly waking up every hour or so until it’s 1/2/3 pm. Feel shit. Miss sunlight- then all of a sudden it’s nightime again. My sleep doesn’t relax me. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I feel shit.

I can’t relax. I can’t remember the last time in ears that I felt relaxed. I don’t relax during sex. I don’t relax whilst I drink. I don’t relax whilst smoking weed. It’s like my body has forgotten how to do it. I learnt it’s one of the factors of PTSD, always being hyper-vigilant. I don’t want this anymore. It feels like my brain and my body don’t know that they are no longer in danger. If I want to chill out my brain will remind me of all the reasons why I cannot. My body holds it. I have chronic pain. I’m not surprised that I snapped – there is only so long a person can hold on to all the nervous energy and tension without going crazy.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won’t wake up mid afternoon and reproduce the cycle I’ve been in for the past few months. Maybe I will force myself out of bed instead of trying to force myself back into a restless sleep that contains more and more distressing dreams and nightmares.

Dreams of me breaking down and crying – at least in my dreams I have some sort of release, I don’t have the luxury of being able to cry in real life. I cannot remember the last time I let all my feelings flow out through tears, I miss it.

I’m tired of the mental and physical pain and it’s no release. I’m tired of not wanting to be awake. I’m tired of not feeling there is a way out. I just want to relax if only for a few minutes, to forget my troubles and anxieties. To be normal if only for a while.

Aside

Education  

Education

These were the books I bought to help aid success

The books that symbolised recovery

The books that symbolised struggle

These are the books that now show failure

The books that show regret

Disappointment

The empty pages symbolise no education

No fulfilment of dreams  –

Humiliation

Sorrow

Regret

Anger

Resentment

Disgust

–          Failure

What do you do when it is only grades and marks that create your being?

I cannot pass the test that is life

Yet can pass irrelevant examinations

That is true failure.

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

meditation and relaxation

I remember when i first started sleeping with my fwb. to be honest it probably wasn’t the best idea, not that I regret it, but most likely wasn’t the smartest decision i’d ever made. long story short, when you’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship think twice before engaging in ‘no strings attached’ sex, because your mind is most likely not going to be on the same wavelength as your clitoris..

anywho.. so yeah I used to get really jealous and worked up for reasons i couldn’t place. i wasn’t emotionally attracted to my friend in a romantic sense, but that still didn’t stop me from feeling insecure and insignificant compared to his other partners. i don’t think this was due to the fwb set-up, but most likely unresolved issues from my family life and my parents relationship.

when a child isn’t presented with a good model for relationships and is instead provided with manipulation, threats and fear, this is the only model the child looks to.

so i’m not surprised that many of my past relationships have been destructive and co-dependent. i can’t actually remember one healthy relationship I’ve had in the past. it was either emotional manipulation or constant conflict. also the fact that I’ve been cheated on or left for another person in every past relationship doesn’t help. It’s a pretty funny joke if you look at it from that point of view..

But I don’t want to create self-fulfilling prophecies in any relationship i have right now and may or may not have in the future

change is scary and it’s also difficult. it’s easier to remain in the same patterns you have known and created in your past than to turn around and learn from your mistakes. i have a little more hope for the future in regard to relationships and hopefully I’ll be brave enough to come out of this self-destructive pattern that i cling to so tightly. I also aim to stop reading crap dating advice.

i went slightly off track but back to the title..

when i got stressed i took an interest in meditation. during these intervals of 10/20 minutes i began to calm down and think clearly, seeing that situations weren’t really as awful as I’d imagined them to be during my bouts of anxiety, but recently meditation hasn’t had the same effect on me.. or perhaps i just need to meditate more. some heavy duty relaxation is required..

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