my healing journey

Archive for April, 2012

Self harm romanticism

Last night i lost the plot and seriously started fantasizing about self-harm and how it would feel. I keep getting this weird urge in my wrist and i just feel lost and confused.

I’ve decided to cut down on the time i spend on the chatroom i used where rape survivors talk to one another.

I think the stories are triggering me too much at the moment and honestly do more harm than good. Although the people there are supportive I’m getting tired of reliving trauma every day and night. Also i think i’ve developed an addiction to it which is not helping me.

I don’t want to self harm and to be honest even the sight of menstrual blood makes me feel sick.

Bought some herbal medicine for anxiety and depression and going to start taking my sleeping pills regularly.

I’m not going to fuck of myself and my future because of 2 perverted bastards.

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Lost.

I was doing a bit of Psychology revision and the topic I’m on now is abnormality and Freud’s ego defence mechanism.

I have no idea why but I was reading through the list : denial, repression etc and I just got so angry.

I was angry thinking about my mother. Who always seemed to be accusing me of sleeping around. Even after she found out about the child abuse and I told her I was leaving home, she decided to accuse me of sleeping with cab drivers. Apparently this was her logic, I obviously was too stupid to know how to move out myself so I had to get a little outside help from cabbies and in return pay them back by ‘giving it up’.

I don’t think my mother developed mentally into an adult. When confronted she reacts in such a childish and pathetic way. It’s almost sickening. There was the time she played ‘dead’ in front of my 7 year old sister, and then accused her of not caring enough that she could be dead.

I don’t understand.

I feel so bad that my siblings will have to go through more of this, but I had to leave for my own sanity.

I felt a bit sad for a moment. See I used to be really close to my uncle. I thought he was helping me. In the end in turned out he was just manipulating me alongside my mum. My uncle would always tell me he loved me, yet when I needed him the most he turned around, ridiculed me and left me on my own.

I don’t understand.

I was sad because I didn’t have my uncle here to tell me everything would be ok. The same as I do not have a father here to tell me everything will be ok. But then at the end of the day my family line is not ok at all.

I don’t understand.

 

A realisation

It just occurred to me how much time and effort my ex put into trying to make me ‘forgive him’. How he stalked my life and invaded the places were I felt safe and tainted them and made them dirty with his presence.

Not because he was truly sorry and felt bad.

But because ‘HE WANTED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF’. He actually said this to me

Not a shred of remorse.

He then got angry and lost his temper when I told him no I will not make you feel better because I do not owe you anything. Apparently when I hold on to some dignity and self-worth I am ‘Showing my true colours’

If you use manipulation as a weapon, you are just truly pathetic.

An ode to my ex.

You were not the first, but yet you were the worst.

There’s something about undercover aggressiveness that hurts the most.

You were obviously deluded, yet I believed every word you said,

and even 10 months on your words still affect my actions and my thoughts.

there’s something about when you open your heart to someone and they twist it up and use it for their own sad gain.

You never want to trust again

You sabotage healthy relationships

You confuse your current with your past

You go crazy

I don’t know what I saw in you, oh wait yes I do. You were ‘Prince Charming’, until someone disagreed with you.

You were compassionate, until things failed to go your way

You were mature, until you got called out.

You were a cunt.

You were insecure, and so in turn you broke me down to fit beneath you

You used sex instead of affection. You measured your self worth by your genitalia. You were a coward

But you were brave enough to blame me for your shortcomings and prevent me from moving on in me my life.

You’re brave enough to drag on the cycle of abuse again and again

You were brave enough to cheat and blame it on me

You were smart enough to make me accept this treatment and to forgive you and even attempt to get you help

The thought of you disgusts me

The thought of you makes me want you

The thought of myself right now is scary, I don’t know who I am

You make me want to vomit

But I don’t hate you, I pity you.. I pity myself

I told you our relationship was a joke. And now I feel like a joke.

I’m ashamed of us.

My list of regrets.

I regret allowing myself to be manipulated by my family.

I regret allowing myself to feel worthless/co-dependent/afraid of my ex-boyfriends/partners/lovers.

I regret feeling as if my feelings and opinions are invalidated.

I regret ever feeling that I was only worth sexual acts.

I regret starving myself.

I regret holding back on my dreams because people who were jealous of my abilities got the better of me.

I regret punishing myself because I was being bullied by people who made me feel as if their insecurities made me deserve to be treated in that way.

I regret having to put my siblings through family arguments.

I regret not believing in myself.

I regret not being able to love and accept myself.

 

Today I am saying sorry to me, because nobody else’s apologies will matter.

Sorry xxxx

Video

Spoken word poetry about CSA

Video

This video made my day :)

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