ramble

i’m writing this mildy sober.. mainly because i have a weak stomach and i can’t down vodka anymore… but moving on

i cannot sleep

it seems when i drink i remember all my bad memories and they come out haunt and laugh at me

i think.. all i want is for people to be nice to me,

as simple and child like as that sounds.. maybe i am a child. i don’t know

sometimes i feel like a child , sometimes i feel 3 times my age

all i want is a cuddle

and for the world to not be full of cowards and rapists and murderers and cheaters and liars

why is it one person who goes through such an unfair amount of shit things whereas others don’t?

i’m not a bad person

i’ve never intentionally hurt anyone

yet for some reason i lucked out

i feel as if every shit thing has happened to me. the majority in less than the space of a year

i feel as if i’ve been forced to be strong when i don’t want to be

i just want a normal life

and people that are proud of me

and to just be normal

not stressed and anxious everyday

and on prozac

and in counselling

and to be emotionally distant

and to be away from my siblings

and to be fustrated coz i cvant do the things i used to be able to do

and to not be able to wake up in the morning

and to not be politically active

and to have all these stupid thoughts floating around in my head

day after fucking day

haunting me.. teasing me

 

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Thoughts

It seems to be these days i always come out with the intention of writing about one thing but then i end up writing about a whole bunch of things together.

i might aswel start with the thing that has been bugging me the most today. one of my friends is a bit difficult to handle and today she decided to insult me. to cut a long story short when you try and reach out to someone and they constantly cut you off and reply with one word answers.. you tend to stop giving a shit.

  apparently my friend does not have enough time in her day to have a conversation with me over trivial matters.

i think maybe in the past i would have let someone get away with talking to me as if my time is not worthwhile, but for some reason this made me very angry and upset. it made me feel as if i was an irritation. a silly little child. not someone who was trying to reach out to someone who was in trouble.

anyways..

i am now currently trying to come to terms with the label of ‘disabled’. i think it’s a sort of stigma really which is hard to get over. being diagnosed with depression means i am classified as a disabled student, which means i am liable for certain types of support.

i think it is the whole trying to come to terms with a new identity or fitting together pieces of my life slowly and getting to know who i actually am again.

i still feel very raw from everything that has happened.

i guess things will slowly improve or fit together.. or i duno.

i probably have a lot more thinking to do