i didn’t manage to make it to my martial arts class today, i’m just wrecked by the time i reach the weekend, hopefully this will get better. managed to wake up before evening time today which is an achievement, hopefully will be able to get some work in and eat properly.
i was told that this journey gets easier and you learn how to deal with the feelings better. right now i feel as if i’m dead and there’s no point in opening up and trusting anyone because they all end up leaving you anyway
keep having dreams about those i try to reach out to turning their backs on me and leaving me, also had another dream where i think i was holding hands with myself and running down and endless flight of stairs pushing past all the people who were obstacles in my way and after what seemed like an eternity we made it out of the door and outside.
maybe it will be worth it.
I ended up waking up at 7pm today. from 12 til 7, i had some very deep dreams. I dreamt about my family, my sibling and my mum. I dreamt about my dad. I dreamt about how I used to be scared of him and how he used to hit me for no reason, taking out his frustrations in life on me. I woke up and thought about how i didn’t understand why people wanted to hurt me so much, when I’d done nothing to deserve it.
Now I’m going to distract myself, because I’m tired of thinking. when I’m awake and when I’m sleeping. It’s like my sleeping brain is sorting out my thoughts for me.
The only option is to accept the thoughts as they come I guess, there’s nowhere to run to.
I just need more energy
Today has been a tough day. I feel like I’ve gone up and down an emotional rollercoaster- so many feelings : anxiety, stress, happiness, shock, horror, disbelief, grief, revenge, bitterness, confusion and now I’m just numb and blank and my head hurts.
But I’m not here to rant and wallow in self-pity.
I keep getting this sudden urge to vomit and cry. I can cry but I can’t vomit. I can feel the bile build up but the vomit won’t come out. I want to be sick. Physically and mentally.
I always used to wonder what it would be like to go crazy. Sort of romanticised it , in the way peole build a love affair with the idea of death. You dress it up, not thinking about the negative points but only the blissful peace. or what you imagine to be peace.
I’m sorry. I want to apologise for what happened to me, the little girl i was 7 years ago , because nobody else will apologise for what happened. and when people offer their condolences it doesn’t matter because it’s not you who needs to apologise, it’s them.
I can still see one of them smiling .. smiling, joyful , gleeful even. not because they were doing something wrong, no because it was this new and exciting experience to have. a ringside seat. that look that you get when something is just so great you’re just gob smacked that you’ve been let in on it.
What kind of sick person watches his friend rape a 7 year old and sits there gleefully like a naughty boy who got the last of the chocolate?
I’d never actually remembered his facial expression until now..
managed to complete half of one essay 🙂 i think this is positive. trying to do things slowly, like the tortoise ‘slow and steady wins the race’.
wish i didn’t spend so much time asleep these days though..