i feel as if i am in a ‘putting everything into boxes’ stage.
im a bit confused my brain feels as if its trying to solve 101 problems at the same time the first problem being how the hell do i look after myself?
my head is spinning and i feel dizzy.
it sounds silly, i’m 20 and after so many years of focusing and looking after other people i still do not know how to look after myself.
i don’t think i’ve been looking after myself very well because my back pain is still there, i’m still anxious, stressed and exhausted all the time.
i duno maybe i need to sit down and have a think and some proper time to myself find a way to rest without sleeping the entire day away.
find a way to calm and centre myself in order to conserve energy and exercise my brain and body by doing positive things.. and retraining my mind to not always be in the negative.
i should probably practice the ‘holi-hour’.. one hour a day where you do something nice and relaxing for yourself which makes you feel good.
imagine having to pencil in relaxation time for yourself into your diary
… crazy world
this is probably me reverting back into my most childlike state maybe i should give her a name.. little jenny. 🙂
i guess the weird thing about people who go through childhood abuse is that they never really get to be children, so they have an inner child kept in them for the rest of their lives which they may or maybe not feel the need to look after.
i never really felt looked after as a child. from sexual abuse to emotional abuse to seeing the violence going on in my own family. perhaps this is where all my strong opinions and morals have come from. perhaps this is why i might be described as slightly ‘disturbed’.
over the past few days i’ve been thinking a lot about my own mother. this may be due to hearing stories from other people about their own experiences with their relationships with their own mothers or maybe i just want to sort out my own confusing head. my mind is a bit of a bombsite tbh i think i need to take time out and sort it out properly.
there have been 2 incidents so far. the first i was asleep with my partner and had a little bout of sleep paralysis where i thought i was talking to him out loud about writing a letter to my mother. but i wasn’t. the second was having a dream yesterday of my mother telling me she wanted to commit suicide because she couldn’t cope with everything and me being really angry with her.
i think as time has gone by i have began to understand my mothers actions , however it doesn’t mean i will forgive someone who refuses to even acknowledge or apologize for them