my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘child abuse’

Non-titled – 31/05/2014

– This blog post again does not have a title as I didn’t put one when I was writing the notes for it. I am now remembering to do this 🙂

Waking up with anxiety is a big problem for me. I’ve noticed that when I record my Moodscope score just as I wake up in the morning it is usually a lot lower than my other scores that I have taken during the day. I don’t know if I should record my Moodscope scores twice- once in the morning and once in the evening. At the moment I am just trying to focus on recording the scores at least once a day. My plan for battling the depressing thoughts that \are fuelled by anxiety at the beginning of the day is by pushing them away by repeating a mantra in the morning when I wake up in my head. The mantra of ‘I love myself. I am a good person. I deserve good things. I deserve to heal’. Most times I just end up blurting this out in my head in a frantic attempt to push these thoughts away. I am starting to feel better in myself and the anxiety thoughts that I get at the beginning of the day as soon as I first wake up are beginning to lessen which is excellent.

When I made the notes for this post I wrote that I am aiming to dedicate portions of the day to self-love and positivity. I was also aiming to begin with spending 5 mins of each morning repeating this mantra. At this moment in time I haven’t specificially set out 5 minutes for this mantra but I am saying it and reminding myself to say it at different point of the day. I am also trying to find the time to sit down to write a daily journal entry, making a blog post and drawing, or going out and doing activities that I like. These all count as acts of self love , as do eating food, showering, sleeping, spending alone time and exercising. This is a lot to take on but when I think about it I have been doing these things anyways. I am aiming to attempt to continue to connect with myself on a daily basis as a grounding method.

I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of personal work that I have to do. However, when I wake up feeling tired and pissed off, I have to remind myself that the good mood I have been experiencing and the more positive experiences I have been having are due to me doing all this work despite it being difficult, alien and tiring. I am being to feel that it is ok to spend time alone, and that it is necessary. But also spending time with others and spending time doing other activities makes the time that I spend alone by myself feel more worthwhile and I enjoy that time more. My newest challenge is the challenge of being in the present. Not being in the past and feeling depressed. Or feeling anxious and worrying about the future. It is interesting how mental illness links with timeframe. A lot of the time I now find myself saying ‘Just worry about today’. Taking each day as it comes is completely new to me.

Lastly, the more I read about depression and anxiety, the more I begin to be able to name depression caused thoughts and anxiety caused thoughts as they are. Simply labelling a thought as ‘you are caused by anxiety , fuck off’ or ‘depression is making me think this’, is pretty empowering and is pretty useful aswel. I want to make the ‘normal’ voice in my head the loudest, so logically by labelling the negative thoughts as what they really are , this should help?? I hope so anyway..

 

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28th May 2014

(I didn’t have a title for this blog post, I only have the date on which I made the notes for it)

Of recent I have been scoring in the 40’s and 50’s on my moodscope. These are the highest scores I have recorded on there since last May when I started to record my mood. The beginning of my highest scores ever began on the 28th of May, which is a far cry from this time last year. I have a picture that I drew on the 29th of May 2013, when I believed that my little sister was about to die. I drew the angel of death. I think that picture was one of the darkest that I have drawn. I still have it on my wall, I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings that I had at that time, but to also take into account that all is well now.

I have a habit of not wanting to come home. I think this is linked to the fact that I feel as if home is not a place that I want to come back to. ‘Home’ as in the sense of the childhood home that I had no choice but to go back to. I am trying to make sure I make the journey back home when I go to visit friends, I think it is important for me to feel as if I have a place that I can go back to, which is safe and which is my own space. Safety and personal space is a thing I am working very hard at attempting to create. I think it will help in the journey of attempting to heal from never feeling safe during my childhood. I remember being at home and dreading the sound of either my mum or dad coming in through the door. The locking myself up in my room and pretending to sleep. Even not eating because I did not want to be around anyone. I still do that now sometimes when I feel particularly low. I lock myself up in my room and don’t eat for days. It doesn’t do me any good and I am punishing myself due to the actions of others.

I have actively been doing more personal work. I think I am getting better at connecting with myself as opposed to just writing streams of misery and dwelling in that misery. I miss myself, I had a very close relationship to myself when I was younger, I suppose I had to, nobody else did. I think this relationship is important and I am working on trying to mend this relationship and get it back. I am recognising that the self- help that I am doing has contributed to this and now I want to be able to feel strong in the confidence of myself and know that the work I am doing is having an effect and is making me stronger.

In regard to my improvement in Moodscope scores, it is not that I have been feeling fantastic, I think it was mainly me being honest in my feelings that helped me to improve my mood. I think a big contributor to depression is the fact you become numb to your own feelings and you forget that you have any or pretend that nothing affects you. I think this just works to make you further depressed. Of recent, due to the CBT iIhave completed, I think I feel a bit safer in attempting to be honest in how I feel with people that I trust. I think this is important, it allows me to get things off my chest and it allows me to remember that I have people that I can talk to if I need support.

I ave become resigned to the fact that I probably have to get used to doing a lot of writing from now on, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think for me writing is a release, it is the first way that I am able to get thoughts out of my head and in time this allows me to speak about these thoughts. Writing makes the thoughts real which can be scary, but also helps me to evaluate and process my thoughts. Writing in my personal diary aswel has also helped me greatly and I often feel better for writing things down in a place that I know is for my eyes only. Although I still have the fear someone will read it against my will. I think this also stems from childhood and having no privacy in my house. Now I am an adult and I am entitled to privacy and nobody can take that away from me.

 

The cycle of anxiety

It seems that I have a backlog now of ideas for blog posts haha, which is strange but I guess also shows that in order to avoid this backlog I need to update the blog more. So now this is my homework I have realised that counselling cannot only be my counsellor only telling me words but me making sure aswel that I am doing the extra personal work that is required for me to learn and continue my journey of self recovery. As it turns out it seems to be the further the journey goes on the harder it is getting. Facing yourself in your own head is pretty hard work but at times it is rewarded. I just took my Moodscope test this morning and it says that i have scored my highest score to date which to me sounded pretty astounding 🙂

I had a very open discussion with my counsellor yesterday as well which helped and i feel a bit more clearly about things.

I have been thinking a lot about the cycle of anxiety. It seems as if my brain and mind seem to have a constant need to knock myself out with anxiety, as a high or i guess my natural state of feeling I need to be in fear due to that constant fear that was always present in general. It would seem that experiences in your past as a child, lately have the ability to manifest in anxiety and depression in adulthood. So perhaps trying to confront these illnesses in yourself will help you to come to terms with these events, as they come about due to the traumatic events.

Anxiety is strange in the sense that I seem to have the ability to purposely make myself agitated, which is in some form a type of mental self-harm. Or another form of control due to feeling so out of control for such a long period of time. I then seem to have the ability to wake up the next day and not realise what it was that was causing so much stress and worry. I think in a way is the same affect as being on drugs and constantly being kept up and paranoid because it is a different state as to what you are normally. 

i previously was confused at how to go about attempting to overcome this cycle of anxiety. And I have noticed it seems to come back constantly when I am at my lowest, So the logical solution to this would be to have a set of coping mechanisms to revert to when I felt this low. It has also occured to me that I should make some sort of care plan for myself. Which means buying another notebook. haha, I have a lot of notebooks now, I think I need to get used to writing a lot, but it is helping.

When I reach these bad periods i need to be able to calm down and reflect, to think rationally ans clearly writing helps in this. I think the writing and re writing again in various different ways helps to make whatever I have been thinking a reality, help me to process from it, whilst still acknowledging what ever effect it has, and move on.

I made a decision to continue to write a blog online but to write down what i wanted to say first, this makes me constantly have to reflect on what I want to say first,and give me time to register my own feelings and wait for them to sink in. 

Life beyond self hatred?

When I began this blog it was sort of half a personal blog for myself, and also a blog for the public. I don’t know why but I always have felt the need to broadcast my life to people in the hopes of sorting out things in my head. Obviously it is good to talk to people about your problems, but sometimes I find myself writing or acting out my life in the way I feel that other people would like. I don’t think this is good because it doesn’t particularly help me, it just puts in my head the idea that I am staring in some sort of soap drama, when in reality I am not, and really what I need to do is reconnect with myself and stop disassociating from my life and my feelings. I need to learn to live my life for myself, something I was not taught to do and now I am struggling to learn how to do.

 Yesterday I bought myself a little pocket notebook, one of those small notebooks that I can slip in my handbag and carry around with me to jot ideas down. I am using this notebook as my blogging notebook, mainly because I ask myself a lot of emotional questions and have the bad habit of overthinking and then never remembering what I was thinking about. I think it helps me to think out things but sometimes I feel I think too much and it doesn’t really get me anywhere.. perhaps that is anxiety.

Its a bit strange getting used to the idea of writing out my blog before I type it up, but I think maybe in this way I keep a bit for myself, I do it for myself, I am the first one I am writing to, I am not writing for the benefit or for the eyes of other people. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to write a personal blog for myself. I guess in this sense it is a diary, but instead I just ramble on about things. Come to think of it I don’t really understand what the difference between a blog and a diary is really, I guess a blog is just online.

anyways i guess i should type up what i wrote yesterday (saturday):-

 My problem with anxiety and depression and fantasying catastrophes for myself, the destructive high of drama and negativity reached new heights yesterday. Partly it was not all my fault, but I understand that I do need to work hard at taking care of myself and being present and off the internet and in touch with myself. I haven’t really decided what my plan is. To plan blog posts and write them up, or to generally keep a diary. i think keeping a diary I can write in, or as many different writing books as possible would be best.

  I am tired of hating myself and feeling bad and undesirable. When I am not causing myself stress of thinking that the worst is aways about to happen, of feeling that good things do not deserve to happen to me. Of never wanting to feel present in my life. As if my life is unimportant and that I need to be someone other than myself. It is a habit and an addiction and like all addictions, the negative effects are time wasting, both mentally and physically. I think the main truth if it really is I feel lost and I’m not  really quite sure what to so with myself. Perhaps this is what spurs on the need to feel miserable all the time. I need to actually be able to sit down and not be too hard on myself, I have been through alot, particularly atm and I am going through and anniversary of sorts. 

I think now the message of one day at a time, i really need to take seriously, before I push myself into another breakdown. I am finding it very hard by myself, being alone, not having constant comfort from my bf, feeling as if I will never see him again, feeling as if he will leave me and forever abandon me. The fear of abandonment, it is my biggest fear, although I will never talk about it to anyone. Never to a counsellor, never to a friend, never to my bf, never to myself really. How does a person get rid of the fear of being abandoned, when they constantly feel that they themselves are not worth sticking around for? 

I am very tired atm, I think it was the mental exhaustion from Friday, I need to rest and relax, but as soon as I think that, the first thought is to go back onto social media, on to fb, on to the internet, to feel wanted. I think perhaps recognising when I am not in a state where I feel good about myself, that it is not productive or helpful to do these things.

On reflection, the fear that my bf will disappear forever has never been made reality, I think the main problem is fear of abandonment from my mother, father and uncle, during my time of need – childhood, and my inner child doesn’t know how to cope with this. I became an adult too early and now I am confused. It is as if I have an obsession with abandonment. It causes me to fail to spend quality time with myself and it causes me to fail to understand why people would wish to spend quality time with me

An explanation

The past two days beginning from Friday were a very bad time for me, I think mainly because on Friday I took the first exam that I have taken in perhaps 4 years. I was reduced to a somewhat catatonic state that morning, further not helped by going on facebook first thing in the morning and taking a picture i had seen that my boyfriend had liked in the wrong way. I think on Friday I felt particularly overwhelmed due to the fact I felt as if I didn’t have very much support, but  on the contrary I had a lot of support. I had a lot of support on facebook from ‘friends’. The past few days I have realised that instead of living in the real world I seem to be living in a facebook world, where my self worth becomes judged by how many likes I get, feeling as if I am in competition with people I do not even know and failing to actually keep real conversations and friendships going, but instead living my whole life on a screen. I am pretty addicted to facebook, I think mainly because when I lived at home with my mum I had no freedom and was not allowed to leave the house of my own free will, only maybe to run an errand to go to Iceland or something to buy a pint of milk. This imprisonment became so bad, that in the end my mum devised a diary of which I had to plan beforehand where I was going and on which day, otherwise she would throw me out of the house. I literally had to write ‘school’ on the days monday to friday, and obviously the weekend I was not allowed to go anywhere. I was 18, had just fully remembered the sexual child abuse I had been through and now on top of trying to deal with that, I was now having to deal with this new emotional abuse. I do not understand how a person can be so cruel as to deny a person freedom. I think this is one of the thing my mother has done that I will resent her for the most for a long period of time. Physically trapping me inside a toxic environment at the age of adulthood.

 Mainly due to the fact I had nowhere to go, I began to spend days on end on social networking sites such as twitter and facebook, just in order to connect to the outside world. At this time they served me a great purpose as I was able to make friends which in turn eventually helped me to leave home and begin my own life. The problem is now though, that when I become very depressed I revert back to my childlike and catatonic state, and spend whole days on facebook, doing nothing except perpetuating a cycle of self hatred. Even now as I think about this, my right wrist becomes itchy. I think this is a form of self harm, I am denying myself thinking any sort of positivity and instead I have become focused on hating myself and constantly comparing myself to a fake world on a screen. Sometimes I do use facebook positively, to showcase pictures that I have drawn or photographs from events I have taken. I would still like to use facebook for these things, I just do not want to become dependent on facebook. My friend took a first step for me yesterday and deleted the app off my phone, however, I can still go on my phone internet and search fb and it will come up, as I did this morning. I am at a bit of a loss as to what I should do, I think of recent I have been lacking willpower and I am engrained in this cycle of wanting to feel shit. I think the more I write this blog, the more I have time to focus on myself. I have been making more of an effort to text and call people, so I am able to communicate with people without having to constantly be bombarded with a load of information and I have Whatsapp which I want to try and make my main communicative platform, over from facebook chat. 

Most importantly I need to get out of the house and develop interests away from the computer and the internet, so now I am attempting to force myself to go out everyday, in order to restore some sanity and interact with the real world

Weight of an everyday struggle

I think because i made a post yesterday it is becoming easier to write. As I type I cannot believe that today is only Monday, it feels like the end of the week already. Of recent everything has felt like a long and heavy struggle everyday. It feels as if I have so many lessons in my head, constantly reminding myself to think in the ‘new way’. Healing is a weight. To me this is what it feels like. I have now stuck post it notes all over my walls in the attempt to change behaviour patterns. It is working, relectantly it is working. Although I feel as if I am dragging my feet in the ground it is working. I find it sad that it takes a lot of energy for me to drag my eyes to the post it note that may be stuck on my mirror and to read the message on it that I have written to myself. That I am scared yet excited and intrigued at maybe just this once I might actually start to feel better. That this might pay off. I am tired and fustrated that I have to do these same procedures everyday, but I know it is for my own good. I cannot escape my life, if I want to live it to the full, I have to work hard at making it better for myself. I have to keep telling myself to fight, or push myself to go and cook or to phone someone or send a message or to start a conversation. It is fucking hard work, yet at the same time I know that the more I communicate and try to talk, the more help I will find and the more I will be able to have support and open up. Perhaps the less isolated I will feel. I have noticed since I took my long haitus from creating blog posts, now that I have returned, when I come back to look at the likes and the comments, I get a sense of release. I feel happy that people appreciate what I am sharing, no matter how incoherently I may have written it. It is nice to have a bond with others as I read their posts and realise that they can share my experiences, and because of their experiences they know what I am talking about.

  On one hand it is good to discuss the thoughts and ideas that are in my head, but it feels that when i let the flood barriers down, another load of emotion is ready again to be released. It feels draining. But what can I do? I have to start now, 21 years of pent up emotion is better to let out now, than wait 50 years and have to release that, It is difficult and tiring, better I know I have to keep trying. I am now beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is a daily struggle, exercise whatever I have to call it. There is no deadline to being ‘normal’, there is no such thing as being ‘normal’, i will not become another person, I can only have my life. It is still a very strange concept. I think it is linked to disassociation. Not wanting to be here, but wanting to be somewhere else, somewhere different. Not being grounded in my feet, even as I type this I can feel myself disassociating. I don’t really know what to do about that at the moment, but I guess I will just have to keep going and see what solutions I can come up with…

putting off everything

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time mainly because i have a lot of things going on in my head but i do not know how to begin to type them out. I have been feeling very shit for a long, long time. I have been very confused and thinking very deep , dark and hateful thoughts. I resent most people in my life at the moment, I feel very angry inside and twisted. I don’t understand why people will not reach out to help me and ask how I am, and at the same time I do not want these people anywhere near me. I feel like I hate people but at the same time all I want is a hug. I do not know how to do my relationship anymore, whatever ‘doing’ a relationship means. I do not know how to be close to someone, then when I am close to my partner I pull away and run. I do not know how to do my friendships, i think for days in my head of how I am going to call one person and explain everything to them, and then i decide not to do it. One day i feel less shit and I try to implement new ideas, the next day i feel drained and bleak , covered in dried tears and wishing I would die. I started thinking maybe i am bipolar. I am not bipolar, i am just surpressing bad memories and feelings and lashing out so i do not have to sit down and acknowledge this. But now i have no choice, i feel as if I am driving myself crazy, perhaps subconsciously i am doing this on purpose. I am creating every drama and every possible obstacle or distraction so that I do not have to sit down and face myself or my feelings. That i do not have to remember the hurt that accompanies me now every easter/spring/exam period. I ignore my past in the hope that one day I will wake up normal, have a normal jpb, a normal marriage and normal kids. That I will wake up and I will not have my own life, that I will have somebody elses life. It is now slowly dawning on me that this will not be possible. I resent feeling like I am stuck in a loop, that for me to be able to move forward and want to remain in my own body ( well where else can i go anyway???!!), i have to go back in time to my past and do battle there. To recognise that I my childhood was part of my life and it sucks. It hurts. And I don’t want to do it

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