my healing journey

Archive for the ‘shame’ Category

Aside

Education  

Education

These were the books I bought to help aid success

The books that symbolised recovery

The books that symbolised struggle

These are the books that now show failure

The books that show regret

Disappointment

The empty pages symbolise no education

No fulfilment of dreams  –

Humiliation

Sorrow

Regret

Anger

Resentment

Disgust

–          Failure

What do you do when it is only grades and marks that create your being?

I cannot pass the test that is life

Yet can pass irrelevant examinations

That is true failure.

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Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

You’re not in my shoes..

this may be slightly awkward because this post sounds a bit bitchy but never mind..

recently I’ve been prone to asking the opinions of others when i quite frankly don’t need their input. I read somewhere that when you feel as if you cannot manage your life or have low self-esteem or lost confidence, you look to others to carry you and make all your decisions for you.

although this may be a short -term fix, it does more harm than good in the long run.

I moved out because i felt that my mother was suffocating me and not allowing me to make my own decisions in regard to MY trauma *possessive tone*. but even though i left home, this did not exactly go to plan the way i thought it did. i didn’t become instantaneously independent. in fact for the past 2 weeks i have been putting all my weight in regard to decision making on my friends.. or those i may consider friends for now. I’m not particularly in the best mindset so who knows i may regret looking to certain people for advice in the future.

i do not enjoy being instructed on what i should and should not be doing in regard to my own choices in life. i appreciate people may want to help and maybe i am not ready to listen to them, but there is a difference between advice and people forcing their opinions on you when they are not in your position and are not thinking with your brain.

i understand many people may think that me publicizing an ordeal that many would not share is a bad idea. But i am happy with my decision. if it comes back to bite me in the arse then so be it. hiding my ‘secret’ implies that i should have some sort of shame and that if people find out my whole life will be ruined.

My life was already fucked from the beginning.. well from 7 years onwards.. and i cannot go back in history to change what happened, but i can make a difference from now by taking back control, regardless of whether or not other around me support my choices.

#rant over 🙂

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