my healing journey

Archive for the ‘abuse’ Category

Why me?

I want to stuff my face into a pillow and not wake up.

I want to jump in front of a train and end it all.

I want to stop eating so that my body breaks down and can’t function

I want to rot away in bed and hide from the world

I want my pain to end. But I don’t want to end.

I want to function but I don’t know how

I want to get a chainsaw and hack my abusers to pieces

I want to kick the shit out of their heads and stomp all over their bodies

I want to put several bullets in their skulls

I want them to feel an ounce of the torment that I feel

That I will feel for the rest of my life

I don’t know how to handle all these emotions

The suffocation

The never ending film of trauma playing in my head over and over

Day after day

Never ending

Why me?

Advertisements

Trauma and memories

My brain seems to be getting into a new habit of making me remember all the traumatic memories I have right before I go to sleep.

That time before you sleep and you are supposed to be lying down with nothing running through your mind, I don;t have that anymore instead I have images of horrible events clear like photographs in my mind as soon as I close my eyes.

I guess it is my brain trying to process them but it’s not helping. You would think your brain is on your side instead of working against you. I’m supposed to wind down and relax before sleep not tense up and be traumatised.

Instead of sleeping at night I sleep in the morning. I guess during the light there’s less places for these thoughts to hide. They seem to only come out at night.

I feel like a part of me is still stuck in childhood. Like my brain hasn’t caught up or accepted that I’m an adult now and I am no longer stuck in these horrible moments- that I don’t have to keep replaying them, that I deserve to give myself a break.

 

my father

My father

I met these guys and they were all like my father.

Not in way of looks but in way of life.

 

Some were short some were tall, some were skinny , some were not.

Some were white and some were black.

Some were handsome, some  were not

But they were all my father.

 

I met one who used me

I met one who guilt tripped me into having sex

I met one who threatened to kill me

I met one who left me in my darkest hour

I met one who humiliated me

And I met one who treated me as if I was a trophy.

 

They were all abusive.

 

They were all my father.

They were all my mother

 

I met a guy who was alright

He wasn’t perfect but he was alright.

He told me he was honest, but all I saw was my father.

He was nice to me, but all I saw was my father.

He cared about me, but all I saw was my father.

He said he would never hurt me, but all I felt was my father

 

I pushed him away and insulted him. I became my mother

I picked on his weak spots and I became my father.

I drank, and I became my mother

I was cruel and I became both parents.

 

I cried and I became nobody.

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

Trust

when you have pretty much been abandoned by those closest to you whilst trying to recover it leaves you feeling very bitter and twisted and angry at the world and everyone in it.

how can you trust anyone? you can’t even trust yourself for putting your trust in those people in the first place and expecting them to help carry or ease your burden. but then at the same time you don’t want to burden other people, because it is not their baggage to carry. nobody but yourself can experience this therefore who else is supposed to solve this problem?

i think childhood abuse has to be the biggest betrayal I’ve experienced. well it is, but it doesn’t feel like it. i feel like I’m pushing it away and covering it with other betrayals so that it doesn’t hurt quite so much, so that i don’t have to unleash the full horror that it is.

it’s funny how i can feel anger and disgust at the experiences and tales of others , but i can normalize what happened to me and almost brush it away. Like it was nothing. as if I’m nothing. Nada. Zilch

although i understand why some people choose to ignore me when i tell them what happened to me or minimize what it was or just refuse to acknowledge the information, i will not and cannot forgive anyone who has abandoned me when i most need them. i don’t generally ask for help, so when I’ve come to a point where I’ve sunk so low and try to turn to those who are important in my life and they shun/ignore me, i don’t know how to place that.

one day when I’m in a better state of mind I’ll look back and actually believe myself when i say that people’s reactions are not a reflection of me and that i am not responsible for the decisions people choose to make.

but right now i don’t fully believe that, i think to myself maybe i’m right to suffer the way i am now. maybe there was something i could have done to prevent being abused. and maybe all the betrayal, abandonment and heartache i feel right now is justified by what i have done.

i read somewhere earlier today on a forum about a woman who despised herself. she had a date and basically could not understand why this guy would chose her over a normal person. i guess normal means someone who hasn’t been ‘tainted’.

in a way i can relate to this. why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with someone so dirty, and self doubting and disgusted with their own being. someone who looks for pity and harbors in self pity,. who begs for attention and longs for companionship however bad that companionship may be. who can’t even get out of bed in the morning to shower because they feel so degraded. who breaks down at every opportunity because they feel as if they can’t cope.

i find it amazing that someone can feel all this, yet the outside world doesn’t notice and carries on as normal.

How do you NOT notice?

well actually some do notice, but not the people you want to notice.. maybe I should just be grateful for those who are supporting me right now.

anyway, the main point was that someone commented ‘you would not allow someone to say these hurtful things to you, so why do you allow yourself to?’

I don’t know..

HIV

i seem to dangle between a few select emotions. grief, numbness and anger.

they don’t come periodically or in a set sequence.. they just happen. uninvited. they don’t even have the decency to stay for a familiar amount of time, and just when you get accustomed to them they disappear. it’s like being on a bloody merry-go round. except you experience the emotion most people would experience in the space of a month in a few set hours.

this is supposedly a defense mechanism employed by the psyche. when you ego/id whatever it is, is not mature enough to handle trauma, it suppresses it to defend your fragile mind. this is what i learnt in AS psychology. it’s funny everything that i am learning for my exams this summer is happening to me or is in someway relevant.

defense mechanisms or not, i don’t feel protected i just get migraines and back pain and more recently foot cramps. although i don’t know if this is due to stress or my questionable diet. but now i don’t even feel like eating because i feel like shit.

the main point is that it’s not fair. well i know it’s not fair but that doesn’t stop what’s happening from happening. i think i’m going through the ‘why me?’ stage. but then i think why should it have happened to anyone? then i go back to self-pity and bargaining- well maybe if i pretend this didn’t happen then i can pretend my childhood was normal and that i had a normal family life and a normal experience in education and normal experiences in relationships.

sometimes i think that what’s going on isn’t real, as if someone’s tricked me and that it’s happening to someone else. but you can’t run. it always catches up with you. you can’t suppress it forever because one day you’ll snap or something will trigger the memory and when that memory is triggered you either figure some way out to cope with it and survive or you bury it under again.

when i made decision to go for testing, due to fear of somehow maybe contracting HIV and it being dormant for 10 years and to take the decision to begin rape counseling, i had a nice little plan in my head.

on one hand i could be HIV positive and never have a sexual relationship and commit suicide/run away as i knew there was no way in hell my mum would have supported me.

on the other hand

i could be HIV negative and somehow all my problems would be solved and my worries would end

thankfully i was STD free – I’m not saying there is anything wrong with you if you do have an STD/STI whatever- but HIV was my biggest fear as it would have been the ultimate scar. contracting a life changing disease through no fault of my own at such a young age.

i remember going to do the test. ironically it was world AIDS day. i told the nurse my fears and about the rape and she seem relatively unconcerned. I would have thought it would have been part of her medical ‘duty’ to refer me to a rape counselor but nothing was said about that.

even after hearing my results as ‘negative’ over the phone , i still couldn’t relax. i was still anxious. my overwhelming anxiety over HIV had to be replaced with something else, and in this case it was my fwb relationship (friends with benefits). it was like i was replacing anxiety with anxiety in an effort to block out dealing with remembering being raped. so i could treat it as if it was a normal part of my childhood and move on and being normal. and have casual sex. and not give a shit.

the funny thing about people who act like they’re tough all the time is that generally deep down they’re scared and weak. It doesn’t matter how carefully you hide a corpse, the stench will come out one day.

Tag Cloud