i’ve been putting off writing this for quite a while, partly because i didn’t really know what to say and also because if i write it, it makes it reality.
the only reason i started writing this blog in the first place was because i came across another blog on the internet written by a woman called Sara.
sara had gone through child abuse like me , and her blog was what had given me inspiration to actually begin counselling and somehow try and work through coming to terms with have experienced child abuse.
a few days ago , i found out that Sara had committed suicide.
i think at first i was not really surprised to hear the news. i understood what must have been going through her head. but it is a great loss.
i never met sara, and it seems strange to me that someone i had not met personally has had such a great impact on my life, or whose loss i feel deeply saddened by.
i don’t really have words right now, but i thought at least i would say something.
another person who has taken their life because of the actions of someone else.
rest in peace Sara x
i have a lot of things i need to write about i guess, because i haven’t written anything in a while. not because i didn’t have anything to, but because i just didn’t.
in 2 days time i will be going to the doctor in order to join an eating disorder group. this is a big change. one that is pretty scary aswel.
i’ve been waking up in the morning and forcing myself to go for walks.. this is scary too.
my counsellor thinks i’m fragile.. this is also scary
and i’ve realised that my counselling will go on for as long as i live… i still don’t know if i want to live.. this is also scary
i met a guy i really like.. and who i think about a lot .. and who makes me smile.. a lot
this is scary.
coming to terms with the fact my family abandoned me as well. scary
getting used to having friendships and maintaining them. scary
rebuilding myself up all over again.
knowing it was me who went through child abuse. is fucking terrifying
recently i was christened ‘angry’ by some friends. it’s quite a funny nickname, but then i guess behind it there is some actual truth.
the past few weeks i’ve been very angry. i’ve been starting fights, mouthing off and basically just being a bitch.
i think for me it is more acceptable to be hard and angry than upset. if you’re angry you’re not weak.
i think, i get angry until i tire myself out so much, that being upset just spills out. then to drag myself out of being depressed and to motivate myself again i get angry again.
i quite like being angry, it gives you adrenaline. it gives me a high.
but then it’s tiring. there is only so long a person can be angry for. there is only so long you can keep your guard up for. there’s only so long a person can avoid being vulnerable for