my healing journey

Archive for the ‘grief’ Category

Why me?

I want to stuff my face into a pillow and not wake up.

I want to jump in front of a train and end it all.

I want to stop eating so that my body breaks down and can’t function

I want to rot away in bed and hide from the world

I want my pain to end. But I don’t want to end.

I want to function but I don’t know how

I want to get a chainsaw and hack my abusers to pieces

I want to kick the shit out of their heads and stomp all over their bodies

I want to put several bullets in their skulls

I want them to feel an ounce of the torment that I feel

That I will feel for the rest of my life

I don’t know how to handle all these emotions

The suffocation

The never ending film of trauma playing in my head over and over

Day after day

Never ending

Why me?

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On being ill

I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.

I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.

I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.

But I hate scars.

I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.

awesomebloggirlperson..

I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life

I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.

I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.

I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.

i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.

I’d rather just run and be a coward.

Aside

‘We stare at b…

‘We stare at broken clocks, the hands don’t turn anymore.
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places.
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too.
For when he died, he took a part of you.

No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes.
No explanations, no fucking reasons why.
I watched it eat you up, pieces fallen on the floor.

We stare at broken clocks, the hands don’t turn anymore.
If only sorrow could build a staircase, our tears could show the way.
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back home again.
Don’t give up hope my friend, this is not the end.

Death is only a chapter, so lets rip out the pages of yesterday.
Death is only a horizon. And I’m ready for my sun

We would do anything to bring him back to you.
We would do anything to end what your going through.’

I feel as if i should bury my childhood and grieve properly for it.

Bring Me The Horizon – Suicide Season

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

would you like an audience?

Today has been a tough day. I feel like I’ve gone up and down an emotional rollercoaster- so many feelings : anxiety, stress, happiness, shock, horror, disbelief, grief, revenge, bitterness, confusion and now I’m just numb and blank and my head hurts.

But I’m not here to rant and wallow in self-pity.

I keep getting this sudden urge to vomit and cry. I can cry but I can’t vomit. I can feel the bile build up but the vomit won’t come out. I want to be sick. Physically and mentally.

I always used to wonder what it would be like to go crazy. Sort of romanticised it , in the way peole build a love affair with the idea of death. You dress it up, not thinking about the negative points but only the blissful peace. or what you imagine to be peace.

I’m sorry. I want to apologise for what happened to me, the little girl i was 7 years ago , because nobody else will apologise for what happened. and when people offer their condolences it doesn’t matter because it’s not you who needs to apologise, it’s them.

I can still see one of them smiling .. smiling, joyful , gleeful even. not because they were doing something wrong, no because it was this new and exciting experience to have. a ringside seat. that look that you get when something is just so great you’re just gob smacked that you’ve been let in on it.

What kind of sick person watches his friend rape a 7 year old and sits there gleefully like a naughty boy who got the last of the chocolate?

I’d never actually remembered his facial expression until now..

Shock

shock , I’m just in shock

Yesterday I was talking about what a great guy I’m seeing. Needless to say he is still great and i cannot emphasise how much of a relief it was to get that off my chest and have the anxiety go 🙂

But yeah sometimes you have things in common with people you wish you didn’t have in common 😦

The dark is a frightening place and the human mind is murky territory. It’s funny what the actions of others can lead you to do. Regardless of whether or not they feel the consequences themselves.

I don’t think I’ll be contemplating attempting suicide again any time soon.

contempt

When people tell me that I’m ‘brave’ or thank me for telling them that I was raped, i honestly want to slap them.

there is nothing to be thankful about, i’m not giving you a cure or a pathway to neverending life.

I was told today by a girl, (who means well) that she read my blog and that it was ‘lovely’. at the risk of being a cunt, there is nothing lovely about contemplating suicide and writing about how grief is tearing you up from the inside.

 seriously?

are people fucking stupid?

nobody knows what to say and how to react. so just don’t say anything. just go for the classic response, the look of intense pity and failed attempts at comforting and not knowing the right way to look.

You can all fuck off.

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