this is a pretty negative post i’m about to write, which kind of sucks because i’ve been pretty happy and stable of recent.
i have a ‘friend’ who takes constant delight in informing me that i am ‘crazy’. tbh looking back at it now, if you have a ‘friend’ who tells you you are insane all of the time, then well yeah.. they probably aren’t really a good friend.
so i decided to give this wonderful chum of mine an explanation to why i am so nuts. i think child abuse will fuck even the most sane of us up.. pun not intended. especially if said abuse has resulted in family breakdowns and abusive relationships ‘(both sexual and platonic) – which is also another thing i need to look at. toxic friendships…
said chum’s reply was that ‘you shouldn’t tell people this kind of shit’, he then went on to explain how i should feel sorry for him because he couldn’t handle the information and the bad effect it has had on him.
this seems to be a recurring theme in the selfish people i seem to meet in this world. somehow i am responsible for them feeling hard done by, by the fact that they have heard about sexual abuse.
obviously some people are stronger than others, that’s life really. but sometimes there is a time and place for cowardice.
there is never a time or place for victim-blaming, in any shade or form.
I have the images,
But not the words.
Down my spine and between my legs
With the tip of your tongue
Bringing me to the edge.
Bite me where it’s sensitive
Suck me where it’s slippery and
A bit of pain
A lot of pleasure.
Everything is there for you to feast on.
For your eyes only
Innocent and sweet
Like sickly poison.
For I am the scorpion
Deadliest of all signs
Goddess of passion
If only lust had a mouth
For words to spill from it’s sweet lips.
Sensuous as they may be.
I breathe them here
– Today, tonight
As I cry in anguish
With each new touch
It keeps me wishing
This was written by my friend. I think it pretty much sums up how i feel about past relationships and those who want to control and manipulate free spirits.
‘ You cannot tame a butterfly
If you wish it to retain beauty
For only in freedom
Floating in the breeze
Is their splendour manifested
To keep one for yourself, contained
You must catch it in a net
Put it in a jar
Pin it to a board
Rip off its wings
Options boasting of barbarity ‘
my heart treated like a revolving door.
no mercy, cruel, unkind
one time, twice, a third
false friendships and and false trust
Selfish, drunk and stupid
low self esteem
dragged on the floor with dirt
like the dirt you are.
then the door opens again.
I have a friend, but sometime’s it’s an enemy
sometimes she helps me think,
at other times she helps me cry.
One day happiness
The next sorrow
One day sun
the next- a storm of hate
she comes and she goes.
there is no control
the drugs don’t keep her at bay
she wins hearts and she loses them
she shows love,
in my head there is only room for one.
I left a few days ago to go on holiday because I felt I was going off the edge. It wasn’;t anywhere fancy with blue water and palm trees, just off to leeds to visit a friend. Buit I think it was much needed. The day before I left I came down with some sort of stress related fever. Its;s scary when you fweel as if you are just on tipping point, that anymore and you will crack. I think it was a well deserved break.
One of the things I learned from going away is that I really need to treat m,yself better and give myself time to relax and make time for me. Finally all the things my last counsellor said to me were beginning to be drummed in and make sense. I think I’m beginning to learn what self care is. I always has to ask people what it was but nobody could give me the answer. Yesterday I sent my counsellor a text saying ‘thankyou for the counselling J’ and I meant it, it took a while but there was some sort of breakthrough. Now I just have the task of carrying out the lessons I have learnt which is pretty difficult.
Other things happened whilst I was away but I don’t really have the strength to go into them at the moment. Today I will be concentrating on beginning to learn how to look after myself properly.
I don’t really know what this post is about but I feel as if I may aswel just write whatever comes into my head really because i’ve been putting it off for so long yet its inside as if everything will suddenly burst and overflow. Even as I type this now I’m making spelling mistakes because I’m so anxious that I will interrupted and that I won’t have time to talk. Just like when I go to counselling and my counselling relationship[p ends suddenly and I no longer have anybody else to talk to or when a relationship turns abusive or when I finally think things are going good but they’re not they suddenly just turn shit. And I can’t do anything about it. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have back pain. The last time I felt truly happy. The last time I wasn’t worrying about everything. The last time I didn’t have anxiety. The last time I woke up and didn’t feel like killing myself. Everything is just confusing right now, everything is coming out in the open t, rearing its ugly head demanding to be heard and dealt with at once and I can’t do it. I just want a break, or some stability or some fucking calm.