I’ve had a lot of thinking to do this week and have also had a lot happen. It’s been a pretty intense week. I got into university and also on the same day i had my first public emotional breakdown.
alongside being embarrassed at breaking down crying whilst lying down on the street and sobbing hysterically into the arms of two friends whilst being completely drunk out of my head, i realised that i probably did need to have a long hysterical cry.
it has only just occurred to me now , that perhaps i have been to hard on myself over the past few months and i really just don’t give myself a break. there’s only so much a person can take, so i guess its better in than out. i actually felt pretty good after the whole thing was over anyways.
i’ve been questioning myself recently and i’m trying to decide whether or not i do actually know who i am anymore, and if i don’t a- as change is inevitable – do i like this new person i’m growing into?
another thing i’ve realised is how i relate to others around me. in regard to men, i now know that i don’t need to be validated by them and a man’s ‘approval’ will not b e the be all and end all of my existence. recently i’ve also turned down a lot of sex offers as i’ve noticed that in all truth i don’t want to sleep with these guys and i really don’t entertain the idea of ‘pity sex’ anymore, to try and make myself/them feel better.
in regard to girls, i’ve noticed that before i seemed to measure myself up against them in terms of who was more attractive physically. this is stupid as i’ve realised by determining your self worth in terms of your looks, it just shows that deep down you don’t really have any. confidence shouldn’t be cosmetic. i’ve also noticed the bitchiness i’ve received from other girls who have initially complimented me and then shortly after hit back with a cutting remark. it’s all very childish and pathetic and sad to be honest.
so.. i am still on this journey of trying to get back in touch with myself and looking after myself. allowing myself to cry if i want and not shame myself. allowing myself to think that i am more than my looks, educating my mind. allowing myself to be proud of being myself, and not idolising others. also trying to learn to stop putting myself down so much and to try and gradually deal with all my new thoughts that seem to be bubbling up. it’s all very exhausting.
The answer to this question should be simple. Me
But sometimes i find that hard to believe.
When someone invades your body through rape, you take a very confused approach to this question.
I remember when i was younger and i’d be on public transport and men would grope me, or guys would ask for me number in the street, then ask for a hug and grope me.
I took it as a compliment, as being normal, as this was the way things were meant to be and that i shouldn’t complain. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that i have the right to dictate who should and shouldn’t touch me, and that i have the right to object to those who invade my personal space.
I feel as if a lot of men i have come across in life feel as if they have some right to my body. This happened again recently at a party where a refused to hug some random stranger and he got aggressive and tried to start a fight with me. It’s a bit of a revelation to know that i can actually exercise this right. And that – NO- these guys don’t have the right to touch me without my consent.
That i have the right to wear whatever the hell i want and not feel as if i have to accept ‘compliments’ by force, and my clothes do not give men the right to expect me to smile when they make sleazy comments. that i don’t have to respond to random strangers in the street out of a sense of ‘duty’ and out of fear.
It will take a while to absorb this and actually be confident about it. and to be honest it’s pitiful really, that to me and many other girls this mindset is a revelation.
For the first time in my life I’ve found that i’m actually making friends.
Not that I didn’t have friends before, but friends in the sense that I actually have people to discuss things with and confide with, friends who actually seem to care about my well being, not just ‘hello and goodbye’ sort of friendships.
And it’s all very strange to me.
It’s something new I’m trying to learn. How to maintain friendship and also how to accept it. How to be with people and actually have conversations and be interested in people’s lives, on more than just a surface level.
Friendship is an important thing. Humans are social creatures, as much as people may claim they don’t like people, that is never completely true. Life gets lonely at times and you need people to share that journey.
It’s strange to think that this is.. well strange to me.
It’s nice , but frightening at the same time.
For the first time as well I’m exploring having male friends that are just platonic instead of feeling that there must always be some sort of sexual attachment to it. To try and live without the anxiety that i have to be sexy in front of men, or that i have to impress them or make them desire me.
On the flip side, I’m also exploring for the first time getting to know someone in a romantic way and allowing them to get to know me, without feeling the need to be overtly sexual, but at the same time allowing myself to enjoy sexual feelings.
I feel as if i’m in the middle of a see-saw, trying to balance but being brave enough to let things balance by themselves. It’s all very, very odd haha. 🙂
As i write this now i’m still pretty terrified that another spider will just randomly appear in front of me.
but yes, this morning there was a gigantic spider in my room and i went a bit mental. thankfully i was able to find someone to take the spider out.
then over the course of the day i sort of realised where this phobia had originated from. i don’t think i’ve always had this fear. i remember when i was in nigeria and i stayed in a room that had lots of large spiders on the ceiling. this may or may not have been the same trip that the child abuse took place on. but it was still in the same atmosphere, so it’s linked.
the funny thing is that i don’t remember being afraid of the spiders being there, it’s only as i grew older the fear became slightly ridiculous. to me running out of classrooms if a spider was present and now me in adulthood going into a panic when confronted with one, no matter how big or small it may be.
i hate spiders and i hate rapists, and to be honest i really hate all these unnecessary and stupid fears i now have in my everyday life as a result of child abuse.