I think because i made a post yesterday it is becoming easier to write. As I type I cannot believe that today is only Monday, it feels like the end of the week already. Of recent everything has felt like a long and heavy struggle everyday. It feels as if I have so many lessons in my head, constantly reminding myself to think in the ‘new way’. Healing is a weight. To me this is what it feels like. I have now stuck post it notes all over my walls in the attempt to change behaviour patterns. It is working, relectantly it is working. Although I feel as if I am dragging my feet in the ground it is working. I find it sad that it takes a lot of energy for me to drag my eyes to the post it note that may be stuck on my mirror and to read the message on it that I have written to myself. That I am scared yet excited and intrigued at maybe just this once I might actually start to feel better. That this might pay off. I am tired and fustrated that I have to do these same procedures everyday, but I know it is for my own good. I cannot escape my life, if I want to live it to the full, I have to work hard at making it better for myself. I have to keep telling myself to fight, or push myself to go and cook or to phone someone or send a message or to start a conversation. It is fucking hard work, yet at the same time I know that the more I communicate and try to talk, the more help I will find and the more I will be able to have support and open up. Perhaps the less isolated I will feel. I have noticed since I took my long haitus from creating blog posts, now that I have returned, when I come back to look at the likes and the comments, I get a sense of release. I feel happy that people appreciate what I am sharing, no matter how incoherently I may have written it. It is nice to have a bond with others as I read their posts and realise that they can share my experiences, and because of their experiences they know what I am talking about.
On one hand it is good to discuss the thoughts and ideas that are in my head, but it feels that when i let the flood barriers down, another load of emotion is ready again to be released. It feels draining. But what can I do? I have to start now, 21 years of pent up emotion is better to let out now, than wait 50 years and have to release that, It is difficult and tiring, better I know I have to keep trying. I am now beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is a daily struggle, exercise whatever I have to call it. There is no deadline to being ‘normal’, there is no such thing as being ‘normal’, i will not become another person, I can only have my life. It is still a very strange concept. I think it is linked to disassociation. Not wanting to be here, but wanting to be somewhere else, somewhere different. Not being grounded in my feet, even as I type this I can feel myself disassociating. I don’t really know what to do about that at the moment, but I guess I will just have to keep going and see what solutions I can come up with…
I have a friend, but sometime’s it’s an enemy
sometimes she helps me think,
at other times she helps me cry.
One day happiness
The next sorrow
One day sun
the next- a storm of hate
she comes and she goes.
there is no control
the drugs don’t keep her at bay
she wins hearts and she loses them
she shows love,
in my head there is only room for one.
i think, well actually i don’t know what i really think. the past few days have been me thinking about my feelings. i don’t understand how you can want a person who has hurt you so much or miss them. don’t really have the energy or capacity to explain right now, but i thought i would keep my promise of writing everyday because i at least deserve that.
over the past few days i have been very upset. i think it’s slowly starting to hit me that for my own benefit i need to be alone and not be sexually involved with men, because it is starting to turn me a bit crazy.
all my experience with guys has always been sex. i’ve never ever had a guy friend who is just a friend. i find this quite worrying.
even as a child all my experiences with men were sexual.
now i am 20 and still cannot really say i’ve ever had a male friend who i have not thought of in a sexual way or a romantic way or have expected them to be sexually attracted to me.
i think this is mentally unhealthy.
i feel very vulnerable atm. i’ve been getting very depressed as the time comes for me to restart counselling again.
it’s finally dawned on me that this is the 2nd chapter, of perhaps many more to come.
it is very exhausting.
i feel very alone.
all i’d like is a hug or someone to tell how i feel properly without having to cover up my feelings or pretend to be strong. in the past i always relied on partners for that. maybe thats my downfall. trusting people too much before i got to know them.
trusting people not to abuse me.
which led to abuse.
i think i need to give myself a break and hug myself mentally and emotionally.
i’ve always tried to plan ahead, so now i’m going to try and take things as they come, which will be hard and a big change.
i feel very out of control.
i don’t like it.
change is bringing me depression and confusion in my mental state.
Last weekend i made a man run down the road from me, because he was so terrified of confrontation.
it’s funny, as soon as you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, these horrible people suddenly drop from you like flies.
I’ve never seen someone run down the road at such speed.
I am also pretty surprised that i had it in my self to confront someone directly about the way they had treated me and to stand my ground and keep my boundaries.
although it was strange. i felt a little guilty after doing so, maybe that’s because i’m not used to actually valuing myself and having other people value me? i don’t know.
i find it very hard to give men a chance know. i think everything they say to me is bullshit. maybe it’s a defence mechanism. maybe i’m just pissed off.
the day before that i spent the whole night getting free drinks off men , who thought that by buying me alcohol they could get me home. i had no remorse in giving them a run for their money. i think they’re all pathetic cunts. maybe i’m becoming a man hater. i think i have reason to be one. but then at the same time in the back of my head i know that not all men are the same. maybe i just need to go through this period of sifting through the dirt in order to learn and for my life to become better?
maybe i need to sit, absorb, think, reflect, enjoy the moment, be terrified, be brave. i don’t know really. maybe i just need to accept that for this moment in time i don’t have the answers to everything and that it’s okay not to.
I’m very confused at the moment and as a result i am very tired.
i don’t really know what i’m sup;posed to be worrying about at the moment, but i feel as if i should be worrying about something, however i’m too exhausted to actually care.
i keep having strange dreams. but in these recent ones i’ve been facing up to the situation instead of trying to run away
last night i had a dream that i was infected with the hiv virus. maybe as the days go past my dreams are becomming more and more about the sexual abuse.
i can’t really stop that, because i have to sleep.
i wish there was a bin were i could throw all my thoughts into, put a lid on it and never have to look back at them again.
Today i went to my second counselling appointment. it makes me feel sad knowing how my own mother who was supposed to care and protect me , was so overcome by her own jealously and insecurity that she tried to stop me from attending counselling by attempting to guilt trip me accusing me of taking my first counsellor on as a sort of ‘surrogate mother’ whatever bullshit that is and trying to manipulate me and force me to share details of my counselling with her. if someone has never had any form of relationship with you and has never ,made an effort to, what right does it give them to demand intimate details off you and try and scare you into sharing this information with them?
none. i know this now and i knew it then. which is why i did not share and this made her angry because she did not have power to hold over me, she couldn’t force me to speak. it’s sickening. someone is in a vulnerable position and you want to use that to your advantage to hold on to your own power dynamic in a toxic relationship.
i spoke a lot about my family relationships with my counsellor today. i don’t know if i have the energy to get it all out but i will type about the most pressing issues.
i spoke of how my mother had disappointed me bitterly over and over again. when i was being bullied as a young child my mum dismissed me and told me to shut up. when my dad was physically abusing me my mother kept silent. when i attempted to over dose in front of my mum , she told me to get out of her sight. when my mother found out about my sexual abuse she screamed ‘you are not the only child i have’.
when my uncle asked on behalf of my mum how she could support me , i have her a chance. she dismissed my needs when i told her what they were. when i my mum asked for proof i was hiv negative i shouted at her asking if she even believed i had been raped. she didn’t reply.
i’m tired of feeling as if i have to make up and excuse my mother’s shortcomings. she is not child. i do not want to be stuck in this power -dynamic forever. even when she is not physically here with me or anywhere near me i still feel panicky and scared and anxious.
it has stuck with me that i am not good enough. that i cannot trust anyone. that people will always make promises and then let me down when i need to be held up. that there will always be mountains of emotional hoops for me to jump through and spectators will laugh at my attempts to reach the impossible. that i am no good. that nobody wants me, not even my mother wanted me. that she wanted me to be homeless at a time when i was most vulnerale. that she accused me of prostituting , when she was aware of my sexual abuse. that she valued the receipt of money over the wellbeing of her own daughter. that she is spineless and an utter shambles and in turn made me believe that i was spineless and an utter shambles.
i do not know if i will ever forgive my mother. all i know is that i want to run away from her and avoid her and never have to see her again.
she gives me nightmares. in a literal sense. i have nightmare daily about my mother. my body rejects sleep because it is in fear of her. even in my sleep i cannot run away from this hold because she still has it.