my healing journey

Archive for December, 2012

sorry.

Dear J,

         i am sorry for whatever you are about to do to yourself, perhaps in the near future or in the distant future. i know you are hurting right now and you are not thinking clearly and you are tired of having to be strong. but sometimes people don’t have a choice, you are who you are. some people were born strong and sometimes you have to accept that. it seems easy to give in and destroy yourself and your future and feel sorry for yourself bu that is not who you are, you will not be happy like this.

 i am sorry for the way you treat your body. i apologise for not eating for days and not drinking properly. i apologise for not showering and not brushing your teeth. i apologise for moping in bed all day until your skin becomes irritated and you end up with ringworm. im sorry for not taking care of you. im sorry that you want to become so grotesque looking on the outside because you feel that way on the inside.

i’m sorry that you hate yourself. i’m sorry you don’t love yourself. i’m sorry you don’t even like yourself. i’m sorry that you feel disgust and feel detached from your body. i’m sorry that you have never been able to have real friendships or real relationships. i’m sorry that you have never been able to accept yourself as yourself. i’m sorry that when you were 8 you asked other people to give you lessons so that they could teach you to be like them. a bad replica. im sorry that you never wanted to be yourself and mimicked other people. i’m sorry that you felt that you were so unworthy.

i’m sorry you didn’t eat properly when you were in your teens. i’m sorry that you walked alone down dark alleyways secretly hoping to be molested or attacked. im sorry older boys tried to take advantage of you. i’m sorry you used sex instead of friendship. i’m sorry you were never allowed the time to get to know anyone.

i’m sorry that you thought your father wanted to rape you. i’m sorry that you secretly wanted this to happen. i understand why now. i understand because you were confused.

i’m sorry that you were so preoccupied with sex at such an early age.

i’m sorry that you are 20 years old and having to deal with this shit.

i’m sorry this happened when you were 7

i’m sorry that you didn’t get to have a normal childhood.

i’m sorry that your family was dysfuntional and abusive

i am sorry for the child abuse

i am sorry that you are now alone

well not really alone because i am here.. but you know what i mean.

haha i’m sorry you’re writing a letter to yourself 😀

i hope one day you will be able to accept yourself and what has happened. in the meantime we can make the journey very slowly together 

lots of love, J xxxx

sick

i want to destroy myself. i am already destroying myself.

i am destroying myself emotionally.

i am sabotaging relationships. i am intentionally hurting myself

i get a buzz of making myself believe i am nothing, that i’m worthless. a piece of shit

i hate myself. and it puts a smile on my face because  i am the one controlling it

maybe i am sick. i don’t know. at least i’m honest

it’s like pleasure when i put myself through this. if all you have known your whole life is pain and disgust, then maybe this is what takes over as producing good feelings

i wish i was mad, i probably am mad.. i don’t feel very sane right now

maybe it’s not me talking.. maybe it’s the prozac

i don’t know. i don’t care anymore. i feel like someone else has taken over.

i will push everyone away so there is nobody there to hurt me and then i can complain about how noone is there because i pushed them away.

mental.

i want peace, but all ive known my whole life is drama. i feel the impulse to recreate it

i don’t know who i am anymore

i don’t have the strength  right now to find out

Pain

I have been on prozac for a few days now. it’s been a strange experience. i just feel sick all the time. i feel as if i am being punished for something which i haven’t caused, which is the same as usual tbh.

i am angry because i shouldn’t have to need to use medication to cope. my family are not dead,i have a family, they should be supporting me. instead they chose to look the other way and support themselves.

if your own family will not look out for you and care for you, who will?

i think this is the biggest betrayal i will have to come to terms with in my life. bigger than child abuse, bigger than the experiences surrounding me as i grew up. the fact that my own mother could not look past her own selfishness to help her own daughter after she was told about her child’s abuse. the fact that my own mother rather i was made homeless than swallow her pride and do her duty as a parent. the fact that my uncle assisted her in this.

the fact that every person i ever trusted has stabbed me in the back and i’ve been left to fend for myself.

i don’t know why this is. or why this has happened to me. but i will get through it i guess. 

it’s just hurtful

and confusing 

and lonely

this hurts more than any pain or any heartbreak i have experienced.

‘what would you like to get out of counselling?’

I’ve started counselling again. this time it will be for a year.

it was pretty strange being sat there again. as if i’d graduated from the last counselling session and now was on to the next grade of counselling. as if i had moved up a level or something.

instead of my usual bravado of joking about and being loud and ‘not giving a fuck’ i was actually pretty quiet and reflective and almost cried once.

it’s always weird when i get asked ‘what i want out of counselling’, because the answer is i don’t actually know. i don’t really have a set goal or motive. i just want to not be crazy. but then i guess thats a goal but it sounds a bit stupid when i say it out loud..

i duno

i’d like to have self-esteem

i’d like to have confidence

i’d like not to be anxious all the time

i’d like not to be ruled by depression

i’d like to be able to live life at a normal pace

i’d like not to be hyperaware

i’d like to like myself

i’d like to be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with someone

i’d like to be able to have male friends

i’d like to feel worthy

i’d like not to be alone

i’d like not to feel like a child

maybe this is what i should say next time.

the whole process is very tiring. maybe this is where i put all the pieces together of everything i have remembered in the past year and come to terms with it? i just want a break. a year ago around this time is when it all started. this is probably why i’m in such a state at the moment. =/

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