coming to terms with bad parenting
i have recently started reading a book on self nurture. the book is helping me, although the downside to it is that everytime i read a bit i end up crying because it hits a nerve. i’ve been doing a lot of crying these days, i don’t necessarily think it is a negative thing.. i guess grief is a necessary coping mechanism..better out than in.
yesterday night i realised i cannot deal with the trauma of child abuse without first dealing with the trauma of emotional and physical abuse left by my family. it is a scary thought knowing i will have to deal with this and i can feel my natural reaction of wanting to cause drama to deflect away from resolving the real issues that i need to deal with.
in all honesty i am tired and feel as if i have drawn the short straw. all my life i have taken on the burden of feeling guilty or bad in order to stop those who have caused my pain feeling bad, whilst they go scot free. it is unfair.. why should i have to be dealing with this when they don’t. i am the one dealing with disturbing emotions, self hatred, low self-esteem , a confused mind state with no support or help, yet when i eventually come out of this the same people who caused this state will be looking to benefit from any improvements.
i will not allow that to happen. ultimately i will have to face my demons alone, if people want to offer a hand then fine.. but i don’t really want anyone else involved. i don’t know how to trust people .. my parents laid the template for that. i’m very confused and emotional at the moment. hopefully this will pass.