coming to terms with bad parenting

i have recently started reading a book on self nurture. the book is helping me, although the  downside to it is that everytime i read a bit i end up crying because it hits a nerve. i’ve been doing a lot of crying these days, i don’t necessarily think it is a negative thing.. i guess grief is a necessary coping mechanism..better out than in.

yesterday night i realised i cannot deal with the trauma of child abuse without first dealing with the trauma of emotional and physical abuse left by my family. it is a scary thought knowing i will have to deal with this and i can feel my natural reaction of wanting to cause drama to deflect away from resolving the real issues that i need to deal with.

in all honesty i am tired and feel as if i have drawn the short straw. all my life i have taken on the burden of feeling guilty or bad in order to stop those who have caused my pain feeling bad, whilst they go scot free. it is unfair.. why should i have to be dealing with this when they don’t. i am the one dealing with disturbing emotions, self hatred, low self-esteem , a confused mind state with no support or help, yet when i eventually come out of this the same people who caused this state will be looking to benefit from any improvements. 

i will not allow that to happen. ultimately i will have to face my demons alone, if people want to offer a hand then fine.. but i don’t really want anyone else involved. i don’t know how to trust people .. my parents laid the template for that. i’m very confused and emotional at the moment. hopefully this will pass.

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The power of nightmares

‘Take care of yourself’ that’s the last thing my boyfriend said to me this morning before he left to go home. The past few well months have felt like some sort of dream. The thing about Prozac is well… it’s time to admit its not working. I’ve come to this conclusion after 1 year of being drugged up on it that I want to come off the medication, I am not where I was last year.. However I would not put this down to fluoxetine or whatever name they want to give it. I’ve been numb and a former shadow of me. It is only during the past two weeks due to having run out of medication that I have actually started beginning to feel alive again, not a zombie. However, with the gift of actually feeling like a human comes the task of having to deal with what being a human entails. Annoying stuff like having emotions and being able to feel them because the numbness is gone. This can be good in cases such as happiness but crappy in cases such as reprocessing previous repressed memories. It seems my brains favourite way of doing this is in my dreams. My dreams are pretty important to me and I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that nightmares may be a pretty fair deal in regard to dealing with a highly traumatic past. And if that’s what my mind wants to do… who am I really to stop it. What must be done must be done…

the pain of exhaustion?

for the past week and a bit i have been off medication. it wasnt intentional.. i ran out and have been too stressed to get my new prescription. its a bit weird being off the medication, i feel normal yet odd. normal in the sense i am still present.. but odd in the sense of emotional numbing and extra back pain. i have been sleeping at odd hours and lying awake at night having strange dreams. i put this all down to Prozac withdrawal.. also being in sunlight after waking up to darkness day after day is pretty tiring. it still feels stupid for me to be having to set myself the goal of eating 3 meals a day and waking up in sunlight and at least trying to step out of the house into fresh air. but hopefully the struggle will be worth it…