my healing journey

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

my father

My father

I met these guys and they were all like my father.

Not in way of looks but in way of life.

 

Some were short some were tall, some were skinny , some were not.

Some were white and some were black.

Some were handsome, some  were not

But they were all my father.

 

I met one who used me

I met one who guilt tripped me into having sex

I met one who threatened to kill me

I met one who left me in my darkest hour

I met one who humiliated me

And I met one who treated me as if I was a trophy.

 

They were all abusive.

 

They were all my father.

They were all my mother

 

I met a guy who was alright

He wasn’t perfect but he was alright.

He told me he was honest, but all I saw was my father.

He was nice to me, but all I saw was my father.

He cared about me, but all I saw was my father.

He said he would never hurt me, but all I felt was my father

 

I pushed him away and insulted him. I became my mother

I picked on his weak spots and I became my father.

I drank, and I became my mother

I was cruel and I became both parents.

 

I cried and I became nobody.

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On being ill

I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.

I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.

I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.

But I hate scars.

I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.

awesomebloggirlperson..

I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life

I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.

I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.

I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.

i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.

I’d rather just run and be a coward.

Courage

according to my philosophy teacher there is a difference between courage and recklessness.

tonight i did something that really terrified me. more than feeling suicidal or going to do a hiv test.

i told the guy i’ve been seeing that i am not coping very well in regard to coming to terms with my rape. He knew that I’ve been raped, and his reaction was pretty standard I guess. He didn’t know what to say, but then asked me how I felt about things- sexually. I lied. He then brought it up on another occasion saying that rape doesn’t count as sex. I laughed.

i feel like shit for hiding my feelings. Now it’s clear that any intimate relationship i have will be affected by this.

i feel in 2 minds admitting that I’m not ‘superwoman’, that i’m weak at time/ human and that I have my limits. i don’t know how he will react to being told that I have contemplated suicide and that I’m scared. Probably wasn’t my best idea to do it via text. But i’m a bit of an impulsive person

I don’t know why it scared me so much, perhaps because it took a certain level of trust and opening myself up for more hurt. I feel better though, like a weight off my chest. I’m not anxious about his reply. If people are supposed to be in your life they will be there, so better sooner rather than later I guess.

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

all things aside though, i do think he’s a pretty great guy 🙂 let’s hope i still think that tomorrow.

also feel a bit weird talking about this online actually, it’s weird i find discussing my relationship more intimate than discussing rape..

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