my healing journey

Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

Advertisements

Courage

according to my philosophy teacher there is a difference between courage and recklessness.

tonight i did something that really terrified me. more than feeling suicidal or going to do a hiv test.

i told the guy i’ve been seeing that i am not coping very well in regard to coming to terms with my rape. He knew that I’ve been raped, and his reaction was pretty standard I guess. He didn’t know what to say, but then asked me how I felt about things- sexually. I lied. He then brought it up on another occasion saying that rape doesn’t count as sex. I laughed.

i feel like shit for hiding my feelings. Now it’s clear that any intimate relationship i have will be affected by this.

i feel in 2 minds admitting that I’m not ‘superwoman’, that i’m weak at time/ human and that I have my limits. i don’t know how he will react to being told that I have contemplated suicide and that I’m scared. Probably wasn’t my best idea to do it via text. But i’m a bit of an impulsive person

I don’t know why it scared me so much, perhaps because it took a certain level of trust and opening myself up for more hurt. I feel better though, like a weight off my chest. I’m not anxious about his reply. If people are supposed to be in your life they will be there, so better sooner rather than later I guess.

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

all things aside though, i do think he’s a pretty great guy 🙂 let’s hope i still think that tomorrow.

also feel a bit weird talking about this online actually, it’s weird i find discussing my relationship more intimate than discussing rape..

HIV

i seem to dangle between a few select emotions. grief, numbness and anger.

they don’t come periodically or in a set sequence.. they just happen. uninvited. they don’t even have the decency to stay for a familiar amount of time, and just when you get accustomed to them they disappear. it’s like being on a bloody merry-go round. except you experience the emotion most people would experience in the space of a month in a few set hours.

this is supposedly a defense mechanism employed by the psyche. when you ego/id whatever it is, is not mature enough to handle trauma, it suppresses it to defend your fragile mind. this is what i learnt in AS psychology. it’s funny everything that i am learning for my exams this summer is happening to me or is in someway relevant.

defense mechanisms or not, i don’t feel protected i just get migraines and back pain and more recently foot cramps. although i don’t know if this is due to stress or my questionable diet. but now i don’t even feel like eating because i feel like shit.

the main point is that it’s not fair. well i know it’s not fair but that doesn’t stop what’s happening from happening. i think i’m going through the ‘why me?’ stage. but then i think why should it have happened to anyone? then i go back to self-pity and bargaining- well maybe if i pretend this didn’t happen then i can pretend my childhood was normal and that i had a normal family life and a normal experience in education and normal experiences in relationships.

sometimes i think that what’s going on isn’t real, as if someone’s tricked me and that it’s happening to someone else. but you can’t run. it always catches up with you. you can’t suppress it forever because one day you’ll snap or something will trigger the memory and when that memory is triggered you either figure some way out to cope with it and survive or you bury it under again.

when i made decision to go for testing, due to fear of somehow maybe contracting HIV and it being dormant for 10 years and to take the decision to begin rape counseling, i had a nice little plan in my head.

on one hand i could be HIV positive and never have a sexual relationship and commit suicide/run away as i knew there was no way in hell my mum would have supported me.

on the other hand

i could be HIV negative and somehow all my problems would be solved and my worries would end

thankfully i was STD free – I’m not saying there is anything wrong with you if you do have an STD/STI whatever- but HIV was my biggest fear as it would have been the ultimate scar. contracting a life changing disease through no fault of my own at such a young age.

i remember going to do the test. ironically it was world AIDS day. i told the nurse my fears and about the rape and she seem relatively unconcerned. I would have thought it would have been part of her medical ‘duty’ to refer me to a rape counselor but nothing was said about that.

even after hearing my results as ‘negative’ over the phone , i still couldn’t relax. i was still anxious. my overwhelming anxiety over HIV had to be replaced with something else, and in this case it was my fwb relationship (friends with benefits). it was like i was replacing anxiety with anxiety in an effort to block out dealing with remembering being raped. so i could treat it as if it was a normal part of my childhood and move on and being normal. and have casual sex. and not give a shit.

the funny thing about people who act like they’re tough all the time is that generally deep down they’re scared and weak. It doesn’t matter how carefully you hide a corpse, the stench will come out one day.

meditation and relaxation

I remember when i first started sleeping with my fwb. to be honest it probably wasn’t the best idea, not that I regret it, but most likely wasn’t the smartest decision i’d ever made. long story short, when you’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship think twice before engaging in ‘no strings attached’ sex, because your mind is most likely not going to be on the same wavelength as your clitoris..

anywho.. so yeah I used to get really jealous and worked up for reasons i couldn’t place. i wasn’t emotionally attracted to my friend in a romantic sense, but that still didn’t stop me from feeling insecure and insignificant compared to his other partners. i don’t think this was due to the fwb set-up, but most likely unresolved issues from my family life and my parents relationship.

when a child isn’t presented with a good model for relationships and is instead provided with manipulation, threats and fear, this is the only model the child looks to.

so i’m not surprised that many of my past relationships have been destructive and co-dependent. i can’t actually remember one healthy relationship I’ve had in the past. it was either emotional manipulation or constant conflict. also the fact that I’ve been cheated on or left for another person in every past relationship doesn’t help. It’s a pretty funny joke if you look at it from that point of view..

But I don’t want to create self-fulfilling prophecies in any relationship i have right now and may or may not have in the future

change is scary and it’s also difficult. it’s easier to remain in the same patterns you have known and created in your past than to turn around and learn from your mistakes. i have a little more hope for the future in regard to relationships and hopefully I’ll be brave enough to come out of this self-destructive pattern that i cling to so tightly. I also aim to stop reading crap dating advice.

i went slightly off track but back to the title..

when i got stressed i took an interest in meditation. during these intervals of 10/20 minutes i began to calm down and think clearly, seeing that situations weren’t really as awful as I’d imagined them to be during my bouts of anxiety, but recently meditation hasn’t had the same effect on me.. or perhaps i just need to meditate more. some heavy duty relaxation is required..

Tag Cloud