my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘nightmares’

the right to insanity

today i woke up at 6pm. i don’t know if it is the onset of depression, but that would not surprise me.

this morning i had a dream. it was about me walking with a guy who i assume was my ‘boyfriend’ who was carrying a baby. we had gone out somewhere with a group of friends who had deserted us and left us in a dangerous situation, so we decided to make our way back home. as my dream bf was pushing the pram,an old man came up to us and started touching up the baby. this resulted in me punching the old man. who then bit me, i was unable to unclench his jaw from my arm. we then got on the bus and he came to sit next to me. i then woke up.

i’m guessing the dream is about child abuse and me not actually being able to defend myself as a child, and now being haunted by the old man after he has left the child.

it’s pretty horrible to have these dreams, but i’m guessing my brain has to deal with trauma in someway.

i’ve also been crying on and off for the past few days and now have the biggest headache.

i feel as if i am going crazy

once again i’m suffering due to something that wasn’t my fault and which a lot of people don’t understand. and it’s hard to deal with.

tomorrow is my brothers birthday. which means i have to go home and sit in front of my mother’s denial.

i still don’t know if i’ll be making the visit.

pretty exhausted and tiring of all of this tbh.

i think the depression may have been triggered by me using some mdma this weekend, bumping into 2 ex partners- one of them being the guy who had issues with domestic violence, and anxiety resulting after i hooked up with some guy at a party.

it would be nice to just float away in a little bubble somewhere and not have to deal with life

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Stones

I had a dream last night that I was drinking water and the water turned into stones whilst I was swallowing it.

And I was choking on the stones.

I’m choking on my memories.

I’m scared of sleeping.

And I hate these fucking dreams.

nightmares

i read somewhere that you need to have patience with yourself in order to aid your recovery. Currently I have no counselor due to having to move house, as a way of allowing myself to escape an atmosphere that was more toxic than helpful. And now I seem to have the beginning of PTSD, which is not fun at all.

I always feel tired, and then when i go for a nap i have the most horrendous nightmare, then i wake up again knowing that I somehow have to sleep for my own good.

Maybe this is a hidden life lesson, or just some sort of cruel joke. But at the end of the day they always say shit gets worse before it gets better so I guess I just have to brace myself for whatever my body and mind are putting me through for now, because running away will only prolong it.

It still sucks though.

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