my healing journey

Archive for September, 2012

Aside

Being a bitch

Last weekend i made a man run down the road from me, because he was so terrified of confrontation.

it’s funny, as soon as you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, these horrible people suddenly drop from you like flies.

I’ve never seen someone run down the road at such speed.

I am also pretty surprised that i had it in my self to confront someone directly about the way they had treated me and to stand my ground and keep my boundaries.

although it was strange. i felt a little guilty after doing so, maybe that’s because i’m not used to actually valuing myself and having other people value me? i don’t know.

i find it very hard to give men a chance know. i think everything they say to me is bullshit. maybe it’s a defence mechanism. maybe i’m just pissed off.

the day before that i spent the whole night getting free drinks off men , who thought that by buying me alcohol they could get me home. i had no remorse in giving them a run for their money. i think they’re all pathetic cunts. maybe i’m becoming a man hater. i think i have reason to be one. but then at the same time in the back of my head i know that not all men are the same. maybe i just need to go through this period of sifting through the dirt in order to learn and for my life to become better?

maybe i need to sit, absorb, think, reflect, enjoy the moment, be terrified, be brave. i don’t know really. maybe i just need to accept that for this moment in time i don’t have the answers to everything and that it’s okay not to.

making links

today i had a pretty enlightening conversation with both myself and my counsellor

i came to the realisation that most of the relationships i’ve had pretty much have just involved me attempting to ‘save’ relationship and most of the time i probably really haven’t actually had many real feelings for the said person involved. also most of the time, these relationships were really just a set pattern i was used to , which made me feel comfortable, even though they were/are harming me mentally.

another thing i realised is that i am probably substituting my relationship with my mum, with these toxic relationships. and by wanting to so desperately fix these relationships (that i do not actually want) i am subconsciously trying to fix and control the relationship i had with my mother.

it’s taken me a few months to admit this to myself, now i have to somehow accept this information and work on it and myself. i’d rather not be doomed to this never ending cycle forever

Throwing the rubbish out

the past 2 weeks have been crazy, filled with drink and drugs and drama.

to cut a long story short i came across two men who basically were some of the finest examples of human beings being able to hide the fact that they are scum of the earth.

although my experiences were not pleasant, they have helped me to realise that i need to stand up for myself and stop letting men walk all over me for the sake of a ‘romantic’ relationship and the fear of abandonment and loneliness.

and for once in my life i did. right now i don’t feel very good about it, but in the future i’m sure i will once i get over the hurt.

sometimes in life bad things happen but i guess the only way you can survive is by being strong enough to overcome them.

abusive relationships form when you delude yourself into thinking you can change people and that people ‘need your help’ to be better people, or that you can’t find anybody better. nobody should have to stand for abuse be it mentally or physically.  abuse sustains itself when people enable abuse to happen.

i for one have had enough of abusive men, and i noticed as soon as i stand up for myself, they in turn run away from me, which is something in time i will be grateful for, just not right now when i am in a depressive state.

then again change was never easy, i didn’t think i’d ever be grieving over the prospect that i’m being to find self worth and confidence.

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