It’s been so long since i wrote a post but I think that has to do with me not wanting to come to terms with where I am in life atm and getting back into reality, or as some people call it the ‘denial’ stage of a relationship breakup haha, but then I realised I am doing this blog for me and myself and that I shouldn’t not want to help myself heal. Maybe this is some fort of self harm, or self-sabotaging, punishing myself because I don’t feel as if I deserve to move on in life and be happy with myself.
My last counselling session with my CBT therapist ended with me finally coming clean about my fear of spiders. I have been afraid of spiders since I was a child. Even typing the word kind of freaks me out . I realised that I had linked spiders to my child abuse and everytime I saw one I felt out of control and terrified. Ironically autumn came and went past and I was sort of forced to deal with seeing them everywhere. It wasn;t nice and I went a bit loopy but I survived it I guess. Ive started to notice aswel in times of extreme anxiety I start imaging that I am seeing spiders that aren’t actually there.
I had actually forgotten my last counselling session was my last one which was handy as I don’t really know how i’m expected to act when I finish with a counsellor. I think the one before this counsellor I didnt even turn up. Thats not very good, and I suppose its a form of avoidance when it comes to the termination of personal relationships that I have. In the end the last session wasn’t too bad, it was a bit awkward as I didnt really know what to say, but it was alright in the end.
I think CBT helped me a lot, I think this is mainly because of the nature of CBT and it forces you to stay in the present not in the past. The trouble is I think part of me will always be in the past because I have so many internal unresolved issues to address. But I don;t want to live in the past all the time because I am missing out on my life in the present and not enjoying it in the moment. I think that is also to do with depression aswel, so I guess maybe I have to be patient and try to do both at the same time.