my healing journey

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

They took it from me

They took my innocence, my trust for those who offer to teach me knew things

They took my link to my culture and my cultural heritage

They took my enjoyment of sex

They took my right of who to lose my virginity to

They took my ability to have normal relationships

They took my ability to form friendships

They took my ability to accept love

They took my happiness and replaced it with neverending grief and pain

They took my happy memories

They took my ability to cry

They took my grateful mornings

They took my afternoons

They’ve taken over my nights and my dreams

My appetite, my joy , my relaxation

Every waking moment

They’ve taken it and I don’t know how to get it back

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Making changes

I went to sleep at 4am yesterday and I’m awake after 8 hours sleep… it’s a bit of a miracle. I do feel less exhausted and a bit happier for not over sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night/early morning ad had sleep paralysis- but I was able to tell myself I’m having sleep paralysis and was able to move. I think it is caused by low quality and disturbed sleep.

My goal for today is to finally finish my work, tidy up my room and not spend the entire day sitting in bed. I would like to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight aswel so hopefully I will be able to wake up a bit earlier.

Maybe I feel more refreshed after sleeping last night because I wrote a blog post before I slept and cleared my head. So I’m going to try and incorporate this into my routine and see if it makes a difference

Late Night Rambling

I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for a long time but have been putting it off for a long time like I have been with a lot of self care. I’m back to rock bottom again, not eating , not showering, not going out, and oversleeping.

I feel like I am giving up.

I had a breakdown a few months ago and had flashbacks for the first time. Flashbacks that resulted in me ending up in hospital at 4am in the morning, calling police to my mum and boyfriends house and punching my boyfriend in the face.

I’m not sure what triggered me, it may have been a combination of smoking too much weed alongside attending group therapy and hearing other peoples experiences.

My emotions are a mess. I have not cried in over a year. I have not been myself in at least 2. They put me on antidepressants and antipsychotics but I took myself off them.

I feel like I have lost all my coping strategies.

I am sick of always hitting rock bottom and having to start again but what else can I do, I can’t sleep in my bed forever.

I can’t sleep my life away

Hello Again

This is just a post to say I haven’t written here for over year as I’ve had a lot of shit going on. My previous relationship ended horribly, one that was emotionally abusive I see now in hindsight and a bit rapey, I have ended up in hospital following a psychotic episode and I am now in a much moe healthier relationship with a new partner, have group and individual therapy and I am working on my issues. I have a lot on my plate atm , and have neglected a lot of my hobbies including blog posting. Hopefully now that I am back I will be able to post a bit more frequently and upload art alongside other things to my blog posts. I hope to be able to write more honestly and open up a bit more to try to sort out the messy cave that is my head.

So to new beginnings – or carrying on from before- I don;t know which xD

End of Counselling (CBT)

It’s been so long since i wrote a post but I think that has to do with me not wanting to come to terms with where I am in life atm and getting back into reality, or as some people call it the ‘denial’ stage of a relationship breakup haha, but then I realised I am doing this blog for me and myself and that I shouldn’t not want to help myself heal. Maybe this is some fort of self harm, or self-sabotaging, punishing myself because I don’t feel as if I deserve to move on in life and be happy with myself.

My last counselling session with my CBT therapist ended with me finally coming clean about my fear of spiders. I have been afraid of spiders since I was a child. Even typing the word kind of freaks me out . I realised that I had linked spiders to my child abuse and everytime I saw one I felt out of control and terrified. Ironically autumn came and went past and I was sort of forced to deal with seeing them everywhere. It wasn;t nice and I went a bit loopy but I survived it I guess. Ive started to notice aswel in times of extreme anxiety I start imaging that I am seeing spiders that aren’t actually there.

I had actually forgotten my last counselling session was my last one which was handy as I don’t really know how i’m expected to act when I finish with a counsellor. I think the one before this counsellor I didnt even turn up. Thats not very good, and I suppose its a form of avoidance when it comes to the termination of personal relationships that I have. In the end the last session wasn’t too bad, it was a bit awkward as I didnt really know what to say, but it was alright in the end.

I think CBT helped me a lot, I think this is mainly because of the nature of CBT and it forces you to stay in the present not in the past. The trouble is I think part of me will always be in the past because I have so many internal unresolved issues to address. But I don;t want to live in the past all the time because I am missing out on my life in the present and not enjoying it in the moment. I think that is also to do with depression aswel, so I guess maybe I have to be patient and try to do both at the same time.

Non-titled – 31/05/2014

– This blog post again does not have a title as I didn’t put one when I was writing the notes for it. I am now remembering to do this 🙂

Waking up with anxiety is a big problem for me. I’ve noticed that when I record my Moodscope score just as I wake up in the morning it is usually a lot lower than my other scores that I have taken during the day. I don’t know if I should record my Moodscope scores twice- once in the morning and once in the evening. At the moment I am just trying to focus on recording the scores at least once a day. My plan for battling the depressing thoughts that \are fuelled by anxiety at the beginning of the day is by pushing them away by repeating a mantra in the morning when I wake up in my head. The mantra of ‘I love myself. I am a good person. I deserve good things. I deserve to heal’. Most times I just end up blurting this out in my head in a frantic attempt to push these thoughts away. I am starting to feel better in myself and the anxiety thoughts that I get at the beginning of the day as soon as I first wake up are beginning to lessen which is excellent.

When I made the notes for this post I wrote that I am aiming to dedicate portions of the day to self-love and positivity. I was also aiming to begin with spending 5 mins of each morning repeating this mantra. At this moment in time I haven’t specificially set out 5 minutes for this mantra but I am saying it and reminding myself to say it at different point of the day. I am also trying to find the time to sit down to write a daily journal entry, making a blog post and drawing, or going out and doing activities that I like. These all count as acts of self love , as do eating food, showering, sleeping, spending alone time and exercising. This is a lot to take on but when I think about it I have been doing these things anyways. I am aiming to attempt to continue to connect with myself on a daily basis as a grounding method.

I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of personal work that I have to do. However, when I wake up feeling tired and pissed off, I have to remind myself that the good mood I have been experiencing and the more positive experiences I have been having are due to me doing all this work despite it being difficult, alien and tiring. I am being to feel that it is ok to spend time alone, and that it is necessary. But also spending time with others and spending time doing other activities makes the time that I spend alone by myself feel more worthwhile and I enjoy that time more. My newest challenge is the challenge of being in the present. Not being in the past and feeling depressed. Or feeling anxious and worrying about the future. It is interesting how mental illness links with timeframe. A lot of the time I now find myself saying ‘Just worry about today’. Taking each day as it comes is completely new to me.

Lastly, the more I read about depression and anxiety, the more I begin to be able to name depression caused thoughts and anxiety caused thoughts as they are. Simply labelling a thought as ‘you are caused by anxiety , fuck off’ or ‘depression is making me think this’, is pretty empowering and is pretty useful aswel. I want to make the ‘normal’ voice in my head the loudest, so logically by labelling the negative thoughts as what they really are , this should help?? I hope so anyway..

 

28th May 2014

(I didn’t have a title for this blog post, I only have the date on which I made the notes for it)

Of recent I have been scoring in the 40’s and 50’s on my moodscope. These are the highest scores I have recorded on there since last May when I started to record my mood. The beginning of my highest scores ever began on the 28th of May, which is a far cry from this time last year. I have a picture that I drew on the 29th of May 2013, when I believed that my little sister was about to die. I drew the angel of death. I think that picture was one of the darkest that I have drawn. I still have it on my wall, I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings that I had at that time, but to also take into account that all is well now.

I have a habit of not wanting to come home. I think this is linked to the fact that I feel as if home is not a place that I want to come back to. ‘Home’ as in the sense of the childhood home that I had no choice but to go back to. I am trying to make sure I make the journey back home when I go to visit friends, I think it is important for me to feel as if I have a place that I can go back to, which is safe and which is my own space. Safety and personal space is a thing I am working very hard at attempting to create. I think it will help in the journey of attempting to heal from never feeling safe during my childhood. I remember being at home and dreading the sound of either my mum or dad coming in through the door. The locking myself up in my room and pretending to sleep. Even not eating because I did not want to be around anyone. I still do that now sometimes when I feel particularly low. I lock myself up in my room and don’t eat for days. It doesn’t do me any good and I am punishing myself due to the actions of others.

I have actively been doing more personal work. I think I am getting better at connecting with myself as opposed to just writing streams of misery and dwelling in that misery. I miss myself, I had a very close relationship to myself when I was younger, I suppose I had to, nobody else did. I think this relationship is important and I am working on trying to mend this relationship and get it back. I am recognising that the self- help that I am doing has contributed to this and now I want to be able to feel strong in the confidence of myself and know that the work I am doing is having an effect and is making me stronger.

In regard to my improvement in Moodscope scores, it is not that I have been feeling fantastic, I think it was mainly me being honest in my feelings that helped me to improve my mood. I think a big contributor to depression is the fact you become numb to your own feelings and you forget that you have any or pretend that nothing affects you. I think this just works to make you further depressed. Of recent, due to the CBT iIhave completed, I think I feel a bit safer in attempting to be honest in how I feel with people that I trust. I think this is important, it allows me to get things off my chest and it allows me to remember that I have people that I can talk to if I need support.

I ave become resigned to the fact that I probably have to get used to doing a lot of writing from now on, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think for me writing is a release, it is the first way that I am able to get thoughts out of my head and in time this allows me to speak about these thoughts. Writing makes the thoughts real which can be scary, but also helps me to evaluate and process my thoughts. Writing in my personal diary aswel has also helped me greatly and I often feel better for writing things down in a place that I know is for my eyes only. Although I still have the fear someone will read it against my will. I think this also stems from childhood and having no privacy in my house. Now I am an adult and I am entitled to privacy and nobody can take that away from me.

 

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