involuntarily taking flight.
my mind is not in my body, my body is not with my mind. i am not really on this planet.
floating, floating away…
my head seems heavy, and my body in pain.
i can’t force my body to do what it doesn’t want to do.
for the first time i will have to listen to my body, not my body listen to me.
for the first time i will have to accept i cannot control everything.
this is scary.
yesterday was a weird day for me.
i broke down in tears as i contemplated my life and all the hurt that i have been through.
i acknowledged that i was not stone. that i was human. that my past has affected me, that i need support, that i need help, that i cannot control everything.
i feel pretty helpless and in shock atm.
the full realization of being hurt again and again and having the wind knocked out of you is pretty paralyzing.
today i began packing my bags, because i’ll be moving house on friday.
tbh it’s just depressing. it reminds me of when i first had to leave, due to basically being forced out.
feeling very lonely atm and sad
also had some bad news from home regarding my brother, somehow think my leaving home is to blame for what has happened.
i duno life is tough. you want to look after yourself, but that sometimes means causing unintended consequences
on friday i had a small ‘vacation’
i think this was important for me as it actually forced me to relax, mainly due to the fact i didn’t have a choice. in my relaxed state i sat there and wondered how i had not snapped. i don’t allow myself to relax. i always keep pushing myself further and further. the only time i stop is when i have no choice.
maybe it’s the fear of sitting down and taking into focus everything which is happening around me, i don’t know, but it’s something that i need to start doing voluntarily as opposed to being forced into it.
today i had an unexpected argument with somebody. well now that i think about it more thoroughly it wasn’t that unexpected. to cut a long story short, i basically stated that if a person is continually in abusive relationships, then the person needs to look at themselves and assess what it is within them that is causing this continuous pattern and go and seek psychological help, in the form of counselling or therapy.
i said this speaking from both a personal point of view and in light of my education in psychology. however , apparently i was being ‘ableist’, because obviously telling someone to get psychological help is somehow insulting…
there is a thing called denial. which is often accompanied by a little thing called ‘not wanting to change’ or ‘being set in our ways’. when someone says something which forces us to look at ourselves and makes us uncomfortable, people often lash out.
perhaps if people were less defensive and actually listened more, the world could actually get some where..
i think, well actually i don’t know what i really think. the past few days have been me thinking about my feelings. i don’t understand how you can want a person who has hurt you so much or miss them. don’t really have the energy or capacity to explain right now, but i thought i would keep my promise of writing everyday because i at least deserve that.
Anyone who has ever had to have counselling for any reason knows how hard the initial process of getting started and seeing the course through is. For a lot of people it may take many years to come to this decision. Counselling brings up painful memories and requires you to deal with parts of yourself which may or may not be willing to accept or come to terms with. Today I found out that in legal cases, a prosecutor has the right to use a client’s counselling notes as evidence against them in court.
As usual my first reaction was anger. I personally feel that although laws are necessary, in some cases and in the event of certain situations, more often than not, the law generally works against us and instead of feeling safe and protected, you do not. This was one of those times. I still do not understand how it can be moral and even ethical to use someone’s personal and often traumatic life experiences against them in court. It is yet another way to get fucked over by a system that is supposedly there to protect us, yet in all honesty does nothing but make people feel victimised. I also find it disturbing and extremely worrying.
Going through an experience such as sexual abuse or domestic abuse, is unsettling and traumatic to deal with in itself. Being able to build up trust with a counsellor is difficult. To be able to be about and honest about your feelings is also difficult. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage to be able to do these things. For some people it may take a life time. It is stressful and it hurts. To find out that these personal details can be pulled out at a whim upon request and used as a weapon against you is frightening.
I don’t want to put people off going to counselling as it is helpful, but I’m sure I’m not the only person who has been or will be disturbed by this information
now that it’s gotten to the point that each morning i wake up and my first thought is to cry i’m guessing i’ve probably reached some sort of breaking point. so i’m going to set myself some goals
1. to wake up in the morning and get out of bed
2. to eat 3 meals a day
3. to walk outside for 30 minutes a day
4. to spend an hour reading each day
5. to write a blog post each day
6. to shower each day
hopefully there will be some improvement, otherwise i give up
i logged in to day in the first time in a long while, to be greeted with ‘happy anniversary!’ apparently i’ve spent a year on here. that brings mixed emotions.
when i first started this blog i was in a horrible place.. and i am still in a horrible place on year in.
i thought things would get easier but they haven’t really. i’ve been forced to slow down completely’
i’ve been made to take a year out of education, made penniless and now i am having housing problems.
last night i think i was on the verge of having a breakdown, unless i have already had breakdowns but don’t know what they are.