over the past few days i have been very upset. i think it’s slowly starting to hit me that for my own benefit i need to be alone and not be sexually involved with men, because it is starting to turn me a bit crazy.
all my experience with guys has always been sex. i’ve never ever had a guy friend who is just a friend. i find this quite worrying.
even as a child all my experiences with men were sexual.
now i am 20 and still cannot really say i’ve ever had a male friend who i have not thought of in a sexual way or a romantic way or have expected them to be sexually attracted to me.
i think this is mentally unhealthy.
i feel very vulnerable atm. i’ve been getting very depressed as the time comes for me to restart counselling again.
it’s finally dawned on me that this is the 2nd chapter, of perhaps many more to come.
it is very exhausting.
i feel very alone.
all i’d like is a hug or someone to tell how i feel properly without having to cover up my feelings or pretend to be strong. in the past i always relied on partners for that. maybe thats my downfall. trusting people too much before i got to know them.
trusting people not to abuse me.
which led to abuse.
i think i need to give myself a break and hug myself mentally and emotionally.
i’ve always tried to plan ahead, so now i’m going to try and take things as they come, which will be hard and a big change.
i feel very out of control.
i don’t like it.
change is bringing me depression and confusion in my mental state.