sometimes i just want to escape to an island where i will be all alone and will not have to interact with other people. there are benefits to being alone, nobody can hurt you or abuse u. people can’t let u down because its just u and yourself. you don’t have to depend on people because there is nobody there.
i think i spend a lot of time running away from myself. i dont know how to put myself first or even spend time with myself. i think so many things are wrong with me, yet i dont know how to deal with it. i surround myself with people who dont help me at all. then in fits of anger i cut them all off.. then feel bad about it. i guess my whole life or survival has been based on making excuses for other people. its a depressing and miserable existence really. even in my own head there is no solitude.. as if im fighting with myself. i can’t even think what i want to think for fear of offending someone. maybe i’m just insane.
constant paranoia, as if i will be punished all the time. maybe thats what happens when you’ve grown up being punished all the time and blamed for things that were not ur fault. i feel sick and tired and like hiding all the time. hugging urself because theres nobody else there to talking to urself because u do not trust anyone else to understand. trusting only urself because everyone else even ur own flesh and blood has abandoned u. those who u expect to be there for you turn around and throw the dagger into ur heart the deepest. wanting to scream at everyone to stay the fuck away from u and leave u alone… yet at the same time wanting company.
it seems like insanity.
for the past couple of days i have been emotionally bipolar. one day i’m happy , the next day i’m miserable. i think this all came to a head ydai when i lay down and cried myself to sleep.. which did actually provide some release which is good to say. i was mainly crying over my relationship with my mum and how i felt abandoned when i should have the support of my family. i think sometimes it takes a long time to acknowledge that it is alright to feel hurt and sometimes u get run down and need some form of release. the thing about depression is that it stops u from being able to actually express any emotion. you become numb to both happiness and sadness. this is frustrating and also very damaging. i think yesterday was the first time i had cried in ages and tbh i think it did more good than bad.
today was in fact quite a milestone.it started with me actually communicating with my bf.. something i’ve not actually been able to do in my past relationships tbh. i just want y life to go back to a pace i can deal with and the levels of stress to reduce really.
i had a big appointent for housing today as i am about to be made homeless. my alarm didnt go off, but surprisingly i woke up by myself at 8am. this is something ive been able to do of recent, wake up early. as i sat in the office, i thought to myself a year ago i wouldnt have even been able to wake up before 4pm..
the interview did stress me out though. in the past onth ive had to repeat my life story so many ties that even im getting sick of it. they say things get easier with repetition and practise, but i dont think talking about abuse does. i find it.. not embarrassing.. but it makes me feel as if ive been put on the spot.
it’s one thing repeating the same story over and over again.. and another actually coming to terms and dealing with ur past. its sort of like a lotus flower… a bud opening up .. over and over again. maybe one day it will get easier
i think on the journey to recovery u begin to need to spend more and more time with urself. i think its because in order to overcome painful experiences you need to know how to be able to connect with your self, esp in a spiritual sense. so my goal now is trying to write as openly and as meaningfully as i can. i dont keep a diary basically because i’m lazy or just too tired to keep one, also i dont really want ppl to find it tbh. maybe this is why i prefer keeping a blog because its anonymous and ppl can’t link it back to u really. so you can be as open as you want.
sometimes the world and ppl within it are just exhausting and u just want time to be with yourself because i guess sometimes u might feel like ur the only sane one about.
even after saying that i feel as if some tension has been released from my back. now i’m going to attempt to release even further to tackle my stress.
i did a lot of things today tbh. i smoked weed i watched fast and furious 1-3, i did a lot of sewing, i cleaned my room and the kitchen and i even sketched a monkey squirrel.
this entire weekend my most important goal is to watch all the fast and furious movies. after 1 year, it has finally dawned on me that the only way to probably deal with the stress and physical pain life causes in general is to take care of yourself. this isn’t actually as easy as i thought it would be, and maybe i’m not doing it right… but at least i’m trying. the only way i seem to got a lot of stuff done is when im relaxed and do the task when i actually want to do it… surprisingly i have gotten a lot more done of recent.
its like a strange puzzle really .. or like connect the dots. hmm.. if you wake up early you get to see sunlight, feel motivated to go and eat… live… whatever you want to do… but the only way to be able to do this is to take care of your body to allow it to function properly. i think this lesson probably takes pretty drastic events to become learnt.
so i think from now on my main priority is to learn to become familiar with taking care of myself and writing is one way to do that. in a good way it’s all about me… which is what i mainly wanted any blog/diary i kept online to be about. maybe one day it will all be a story. who knows..
ok. so i think i am beginning to make signs of recovery but i am still pretty nervous and anxious. i have been going out a lot more of recent, trying to learn how to relax, and i’ve been going back to the way i was in terms of wanting to be myself and not fit into the mould of what other ppl want me to be. ive been meeting up with friends a lot more… well the old friends i still may or may not have after being unwel for a very long time and not knowing how to cope with depression.
it is now more than a year since i first started this blog. i remember where i was then , tired – sleeping for whole days, not eating anything, not showering, my whole life revolving around whatever abusive relationship or guy i was involved with, a lot of drinking to be drunk and fucking random strangers… just to get a bit of attention.
i think the hardest thing to do in the journey of i duno.. journey of what journey of becoming one with ur mental disorder (?), is to first of all accept that you have a mental disorder. this is the first step and is actually pretty challenging. i dont even think i have overcome this first step but i’m getting there. accepting you have a disability takes time and ive found that actively speaking out on the internet and real life to ppl with the same sort of problems as i have has helped a lot.
another issue in this step is facing the issues or events in ur life which may have caused or triggered a particularly mental disorder. this requires being able to actually allow your to actually open up to yousrelf and having the ability to spend time with urself. this is another step which i working on. it helps in term of self -care… which i’ve gradually began to understand the meaning of.
for now i am trying to plan my time slowly and carefully and allow myself to rest and try and learn to be positive once again
i’ve been meaning to write a new post for a while, but i didn’t really know what to write about. i guess sometime when your brain is filled up to the maximum it’s hard to create a hole for thoughts to leak out. it’s as if too many thoughts go round in your head and they block your thoughts.
of recent i’ve been thinking about loneliness. the fact is everyone is alone with themselves in life.. which is the truth. you can run away from yourself for years but one day you will have to come to terms with just being with yourself. maybe thats why i dont write as much anymore. when i first started blogging it was an outlet for me. a way to come to terms with all the bad things that had happened to me. but now, i just want a break.
but the more i relax the more i remember. sometimes the scariest thing is facing yourself. i duno if i’m ready to or not yet though.