They took my innocence, my trust for those who offer to teach me knew things
They took my link to my culture and my cultural heritage
They took my enjoyment of sex
They took my right of who to lose my virginity to
They took my ability to have normal relationships
They took my ability to form friendships
They took my ability to accept love
They took my happiness and replaced it with neverending grief and pain
They took my happy memories
They took my ability to cry
They took my grateful mornings
They took my afternoons
They’ve taken over my nights and my dreams
My appetite, my joy , my relaxation
Every waking moment
They’ve taken it and I don’t know how to get it back
I want to stuff my face into a pillow and not wake up.
I want to jump in front of a train and end it all.
I want to stop eating so that my body breaks down and can’t function
I want to rot away in bed and hide from the world
I want my pain to end. But I don’t want to end.
I want to function but I don’t know how
I want to get a chainsaw and hack my abusers to pieces
I want to kick the shit out of their heads and stomp all over their bodies
I want to put several bullets in their skulls
I want them to feel an ounce of the torment that I feel
That I will feel for the rest of my life
I don’t know how to handle all these emotions
The never ending film of trauma playing in my head over and over
Day after day
My brain seems to be getting into a new habit of making me remember all the traumatic memories I have right before I go to sleep.
That time before you sleep and you are supposed to be lying down with nothing running through your mind, I don;t have that anymore instead I have images of horrible events clear like photographs in my mind as soon as I close my eyes.
I guess it is my brain trying to process them but it’s not helping. You would think your brain is on your side instead of working against you. I’m supposed to wind down and relax before sleep not tense up and be traumatised.
Instead of sleeping at night I sleep in the morning. I guess during the light there’s less places for these thoughts to hide. They seem to only come out at night.
I feel like a part of me is still stuck in childhood. Like my brain hasn’t caught up or accepted that I’m an adult now and I am no longer stuck in these horrible moments- that I don’t have to keep replaying them, that I deserve to give myself a break.
I went to sleep at 4am yesterday and I’m awake after 8 hours sleep… it’s a bit of a miracle. I do feel less exhausted and a bit happier for not over sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night/early morning ad had sleep paralysis- but I was able to tell myself I’m having sleep paralysis and was able to move. I think it is caused by low quality and disturbed sleep.
My goal for today is to finally finish my work, tidy up my room and not spend the entire day sitting in bed. I would like to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight aswel so hopefully I will be able to wake up a bit earlier.
Maybe I feel more refreshed after sleeping last night because I wrote a blog post before I slept and cleared my head. So I’m going to try and incorporate this into my routine and see if it makes a difference
It feels as if each day is the same. A constant repetition. I will go to sleep late attached to my laptop, wake up around 7am, force myself to sleep – constantly waking up every hour or so until it’s 1/2/3 pm. Feel shit. Miss sunlight- then all of a sudden it’s nightime again. My sleep doesn’t relax me. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I feel shit.
I can’t relax. I can’t remember the last time in ears that I felt relaxed. I don’t relax during sex. I don’t relax whilst I drink. I don’t relax whilst smoking weed. It’s like my body has forgotten how to do it. I learnt it’s one of the factors of PTSD, always being hyper-vigilant. I don’t want this anymore. It feels like my brain and my body don’t know that they are no longer in danger. If I want to chill out my brain will remind me of all the reasons why I cannot. My body holds it. I have chronic pain. I’m not surprised that I snapped – there is only so long a person can hold on to all the nervous energy and tension without going crazy.
Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won’t wake up mid afternoon and reproduce the cycle I’ve been in for the past few months. Maybe I will force myself out of bed instead of trying to force myself back into a restless sleep that contains more and more distressing dreams and nightmares.
Dreams of me breaking down and crying – at least in my dreams I have some sort of release, I don’t have the luxury of being able to cry in real life. I cannot remember the last time I let all my feelings flow out through tears, I miss it.
I’m tired of the mental and physical pain and it’s no release. I’m tired of not wanting to be awake. I’m tired of not feeling there is a way out. I just want to relax if only for a few minutes, to forget my troubles and anxieties. To be normal if only for a while.
It seems of recent that one of my hobbies is extreme oversleeping. I can sleep from 9pm til midday the next day. Or 1am til 3pm the next day. This is caused by depression, I don’t feel motivated or want to get out of bed. Even if I wake up at say half 7 to pee I will still go back to sleep because it seems way too early. Today when I woke up I had a different pattern of thought, I woke up at around half 10 after snoozing several times and waking up from a nightmare about the domestic violence carried out in my childhood. I have a lot of nightmares of recent, some say it is because I have come off citolapram suddenly, but the majority of my nightmares seem to be me working out stuff in my subconscious. Anyway my realisation was that I am pretty lucky to be alive after all that me and mum went through, but at the moment it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t wake up n the morning rejoicing for another day instead I roll under the duvet and sleep for a few more hours. I suppose it’s a way of avoiding my problems and coping but it doesn’t really help. I get more fatigue, I get depressed because I can’t wake up and fall behind further in university because I am sleeping instead of making my way into class, I get depressed because of the nightmares that I have, I get depressed because of doing university work I am sleeping, I get depressed because I am losing weight due to the fact that instead of eating I am sleeping and I get stressed out because I am getting worse backpain due to lying in bed all day.
I don’t really know what to do anymore, I just know I don’t want to get out of bed.
I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for a long time but have been putting it off for a long time like I have been with a lot of self care. I’m back to rock bottom again, not eating , not showering, not going out, and oversleeping.
I feel like I am giving up.
I had a breakdown a few months ago and had flashbacks for the first time. Flashbacks that resulted in me ending up in hospital at 4am in the morning, calling police to my mum and boyfriends house and punching my boyfriend in the face.
I’m not sure what triggered me, it may have been a combination of smoking too much weed alongside attending group therapy and hearing other peoples experiences.
My emotions are a mess. I have not cried in over a year. I have not been myself in at least 2. They put me on antidepressants and antipsychotics but I took myself off them.
I feel like I have lost all my coping strategies.
I am sick of always hitting rock bottom and having to start again but what else can I do, I can’t sleep in my bed forever.
I can’t sleep my life away
This is just a post to say I haven’t written here for over year as I’ve had a lot of shit going on. My previous relationship ended horribly, one that was emotionally abusive I see now in hindsight and a bit rapey, I have ended up in hospital following a psychotic episode and I am now in a much moe healthier relationship with a new partner, have group and individual therapy and I am working on my issues. I have a lot on my plate atm , and have neglected a lot of my hobbies including blog posting. Hopefully now that I am back I will be able to post a bit more frequently and upload art alongside other things to my blog posts. I hope to be able to write more honestly and open up a bit more to try to sort out the messy cave that is my head.
So to new beginnings – or carrying on from before- I don;t know which xD
It’s been so long since i wrote a post but I think that has to do with me not wanting to come to terms with where I am in life atm and getting back into reality, or as some people call it the ‘denial’ stage of a relationship breakup haha, but then I realised I am doing this blog for me and myself and that I shouldn’t not want to help myself heal. Maybe this is some fort of self harm, or self-sabotaging, punishing myself because I don’t feel as if I deserve to move on in life and be happy with myself.
My last counselling session with my CBT therapist ended with me finally coming clean about my fear of spiders. I have been afraid of spiders since I was a child. Even typing the word kind of freaks me out . I realised that I had linked spiders to my child abuse and everytime I saw one I felt out of control and terrified. Ironically autumn came and went past and I was sort of forced to deal with seeing them everywhere. It wasn;t nice and I went a bit loopy but I survived it I guess. Ive started to notice aswel in times of extreme anxiety I start imaging that I am seeing spiders that aren’t actually there.
I had actually forgotten my last counselling session was my last one which was handy as I don’t really know how i’m expected to act when I finish with a counsellor. I think the one before this counsellor I didnt even turn up. Thats not very good, and I suppose its a form of avoidance when it comes to the termination of personal relationships that I have. In the end the last session wasn’t too bad, it was a bit awkward as I didnt really know what to say, but it was alright in the end.
I think CBT helped me a lot, I think this is mainly because of the nature of CBT and it forces you to stay in the present not in the past. The trouble is I think part of me will always be in the past because I have so many internal unresolved issues to address. But I don;t want to live in the past all the time because I am missing out on my life in the present and not enjoying it in the moment. I think that is also to do with depression aswel, so I guess maybe I have to be patient and try to do both at the same time.
– This blog post again does not have a title as I didn’t put one when I was writing the notes for it. I am now remembering to do this 🙂
Waking up with anxiety is a big problem for me. I’ve noticed that when I record my Moodscope score just as I wake up in the morning it is usually a lot lower than my other scores that I have taken during the day. I don’t know if I should record my Moodscope scores twice- once in the morning and once in the evening. At the moment I am just trying to focus on recording the scores at least once a day. My plan for battling the depressing thoughts that \are fuelled by anxiety at the beginning of the day is by pushing them away by repeating a mantra in the morning when I wake up in my head. The mantra of ‘I love myself. I am a good person. I deserve good things. I deserve to heal’. Most times I just end up blurting this out in my head in a frantic attempt to push these thoughts away. I am starting to feel better in myself and the anxiety thoughts that I get at the beginning of the day as soon as I first wake up are beginning to lessen which is excellent.
When I made the notes for this post I wrote that I am aiming to dedicate portions of the day to self-love and positivity. I was also aiming to begin with spending 5 mins of each morning repeating this mantra. At this moment in time I haven’t specificially set out 5 minutes for this mantra but I am saying it and reminding myself to say it at different point of the day. I am also trying to find the time to sit down to write a daily journal entry, making a blog post and drawing, or going out and doing activities that I like. These all count as acts of self love , as do eating food, showering, sleeping, spending alone time and exercising. This is a lot to take on but when I think about it I have been doing these things anyways. I am aiming to attempt to continue to connect with myself on a daily basis as a grounding method.
I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of personal work that I have to do. However, when I wake up feeling tired and pissed off, I have to remind myself that the good mood I have been experiencing and the more positive experiences I have been having are due to me doing all this work despite it being difficult, alien and tiring. I am being to feel that it is ok to spend time alone, and that it is necessary. But also spending time with others and spending time doing other activities makes the time that I spend alone by myself feel more worthwhile and I enjoy that time more. My newest challenge is the challenge of being in the present. Not being in the past and feeling depressed. Or feeling anxious and worrying about the future. It is interesting how mental illness links with timeframe. A lot of the time I now find myself saying ‘Just worry about today’. Taking each day as it comes is completely new to me.
Lastly, the more I read about depression and anxiety, the more I begin to be able to name depression caused thoughts and anxiety caused thoughts as they are. Simply labelling a thought as ‘you are caused by anxiety , fuck off’ or ‘depression is making me think this’, is pretty empowering and is pretty useful aswel. I want to make the ‘normal’ voice in my head the loudest, so logically by labelling the negative thoughts as what they really are , this should help?? I hope so anyway..