my healing journey

They took it from me

They took my innocence, my trust for those who offer to teach me knew things

They took my link to my culture and my cultural heritage

They took my enjoyment of sex

They took my right of who to lose my virginity to

They took my ability to have normal relationships

They took my ability to form friendships

They took my ability to accept love

They took my happiness and replaced it with neverending grief and pain

They took my happy memories

They took my ability to cry

They took my grateful mornings

They took my afternoons

They’ve taken over my nights and my dreams

My appetite, my joy , my relaxation

Every waking moment

They’ve taken it and I don’t know how to get it back

Why me?

I want to stuff my face into a pillow and not wake up.

I want to jump in front of a train and end it all.

I want to stop eating so that my body breaks down and can’t function

I want to rot away in bed and hide from the world

I want my pain to end. But I don’t want to end.

I want to function but I don’t know how

I want to get a chainsaw and hack my abusers to pieces

I want to kick the shit out of their heads and stomp all over their bodies

I want to put several bullets in their skulls

I want them to feel an ounce of the torment that I feel

That I will feel for the rest of my life

I don’t know how to handle all these emotions

The suffocation

The never ending film of trauma playing in my head over and over

Day after day

Never ending

Why me?

Trauma and memories

My brain seems to be getting into a new habit of making me remember all the traumatic memories I have right before I go to sleep.

That time before you sleep and you are supposed to be lying down with nothing running through your mind, I don;t have that anymore instead I have images of horrible events clear like photographs in my mind as soon as I close my eyes.

I guess it is my brain trying to process them but it’s not helping. You would think your brain is on your side instead of working against you. I’m supposed to wind down and relax before sleep not tense up and be traumatised.

Instead of sleeping at night I sleep in the morning. I guess during the light there’s less places for these thoughts to hide. They seem to only come out at night.

I feel like a part of me is still stuck in childhood. Like my brain hasn’t caught up or accepted that I’m an adult now and I am no longer stuck in these horrible moments- that I don’t have to keep replaying them, that I deserve to give myself a break.

 

Making changes

I went to sleep at 4am yesterday and I’m awake after 8 hours sleep… it’s a bit of a miracle. I do feel less exhausted and a bit happier for not over sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night/early morning ad had sleep paralysis- but I was able to tell myself I’m having sleep paralysis and was able to move. I think it is caused by low quality and disturbed sleep.

My goal for today is to finally finish my work, tidy up my room and not spend the entire day sitting in bed. I would like to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight aswel so hopefully I will be able to wake up a bit earlier.

Maybe I feel more refreshed after sleeping last night because I wrote a blog post before I slept and cleared my head. So I’m going to try and incorporate this into my routine and see if it makes a difference

It feels as if each day is the same. A constant repetition. I will go to sleep late attached to my laptop, wake up around 7am, force myself to sleep – constantly waking up every hour or so until it’s 1/2/3 pm. Feel shit. Miss sunlight- then all of a sudden it’s nightime again. My sleep doesn’t relax me. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I feel shit.

I can’t relax. I can’t remember the last time in ears that I felt relaxed. I don’t relax during sex. I don’t relax whilst I drink. I don’t relax whilst smoking weed. It’s like my body has forgotten how to do it. I learnt it’s one of the factors of PTSD, always being hyper-vigilant. I don’t want this anymore. It feels like my brain and my body don’t know that they are no longer in danger. If I want to chill out my brain will remind me of all the reasons why I cannot. My body holds it. I have chronic pain. I’m not surprised that I snapped – there is only so long a person can hold on to all the nervous energy and tension without going crazy.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won’t wake up mid afternoon and reproduce the cycle I’ve been in for the past few months. Maybe I will force myself out of bed instead of trying to force myself back into a restless sleep that contains more and more distressing dreams and nightmares.

Dreams of me breaking down and crying – at least in my dreams I have some sort of release, I don’t have the luxury of being able to cry in real life. I cannot remember the last time I let all my feelings flow out through tears, I miss it.

I’m tired of the mental and physical pain and it’s no release. I’m tired of not wanting to be awake. I’m tired of not feeling there is a way out. I just want to relax if only for a few minutes, to forget my troubles and anxieties. To be normal if only for a while.

I hate waking up

It seems of recent that one of my hobbies is extreme oversleeping. I can sleep from 9pm til midday the next day. Or 1am til 3pm the next day. This is caused by depression, I don’t feel motivated or want to get out of bed. Even if I wake up at say half 7 to pee I will still go back to sleep because it seems way too early. Today when I woke up I had a different pattern of thought, I woke up at around half 10 after snoozing several times and waking up from a nightmare about the domestic violence carried out in my childhood. I have a lot of nightmares of recent, some say it is because I have come off citolapram suddenly, but the majority of my nightmares seem to be me working out stuff in my subconscious. Anyway my realisation was that I am pretty lucky to be alive after all that me and mum went through, but at the moment it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t wake up n the morning rejoicing for another day instead I roll under the duvet and sleep for a few more hours. I suppose it’s a way of avoiding my problems and coping but it doesn’t really help. I get more fatigue, I get depressed because I can’t wake up and fall behind further in university because I am sleeping instead of making my way into class, I get depressed because of the nightmares that I have, I get depressed because of doing university work I am sleeping, I get depressed because I am losing weight due to the fact that instead of eating I am sleeping and I get stressed out because I am getting worse backpain due to lying in bed all day.

 

I don’t really know what to do anymore, I just know I don’t want to get out of bed.

Late Night Rambling

I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for a long time but have been putting it off for a long time like I have been with a lot of self care. I’m back to rock bottom again, not eating , not showering, not going out, and oversleeping.

I feel like I am giving up.

I had a breakdown a few months ago and had flashbacks for the first time. Flashbacks that resulted in me ending up in hospital at 4am in the morning, calling police to my mum and boyfriends house and punching my boyfriend in the face.

I’m not sure what triggered me, it may have been a combination of smoking too much weed alongside attending group therapy and hearing other peoples experiences.

My emotions are a mess. I have not cried in over a year. I have not been myself in at least 2. They put me on antidepressants and antipsychotics but I took myself off them.

I feel like I have lost all my coping strategies.

I am sick of always hitting rock bottom and having to start again but what else can I do, I can’t sleep in my bed forever.

I can’t sleep my life away

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