my healing journey

Archive for the ‘Rape’ Category

patience

i didn’t manage to make it to my martial arts class today, i’m just wrecked by the time i reach the weekend, hopefully this will get better. managed to wake up before evening time today which is an achievement, hopefully will be able to get some work in and eat properly.

i was told that this journey gets easier and you learn how to deal with the feelings better. right now i feel as if i’m dead and there’s no point in opening up and trusting anyone because they all end up leaving you anyway

keep having dreams about those i try to reach out to turning their backs on me and leaving me, also had another dream where i think i was holding hands with myself and running down and endless flight of stairs pushing past all the people who were obstacles in my way and after what seemed like an eternity we made it out of the door and outside.

maybe it will be worth it.

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Aside

‘We stare at b…

‘We stare at broken clocks, the hands don’t turn anymore.
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places.
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too.
For when he died, he took a part of you.

No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes.
No explanations, no fucking reasons why.
I watched it eat you up, pieces fallen on the floor.

We stare at broken clocks, the hands don’t turn anymore.
If only sorrow could build a staircase, our tears could show the way.
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back home again.
Don’t give up hope my friend, this is not the end.

Death is only a chapter, so lets rip out the pages of yesterday.
Death is only a horizon. And I’m ready for my sun

We would do anything to bring him back to you.
We would do anything to end what your going through.’

I feel as if i should bury my childhood and grieve properly for it.

Bring Me The Horizon – Suicide Season

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

Strength

I was thinking today about plans.

when you plan something in your life, you expect it to be easy and to work out the way you intended it to. But that rarely ever happens.

I sat outside today thinking that coming out of this alive will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. That giving up is the easier option because I won’t have to struggle to find the strength to come to terms with all the memories and the anguish that gets drawn up.

I don’t know where I am going to get that strength from, but it has to come from somewhere because that is the only choice I have right now.

Joy

Tonight I feel good 🙂

I met up with a friend, did some work, went to yoga, finished yoga and stood waiting and thinking at the bustop.

It filled me with happiness knowing that someone had trusted me enough to tell me about one of the darkest moments of their life.

It filled me with happiness knowing that I was able to open up to someone who I’m growing to like romantically more and more, and tell them my darkest thoughts and experiences and not have them judge or pity me or treat me any differently.

It filled me with happiness to know that friends trusted me enough to ask for MY advice, when I felt so worthless

It filled me with happiness that I was trusting MYSELF and the decisions I had recently made.

So I’m going to enjoy being happy today and store it away for future use 🙂

would you like an audience?

Today has been a tough day. I feel like I’ve gone up and down an emotional rollercoaster- so many feelings : anxiety, stress, happiness, shock, horror, disbelief, grief, revenge, bitterness, confusion and now I’m just numb and blank and my head hurts.

But I’m not here to rant and wallow in self-pity.

I keep getting this sudden urge to vomit and cry. I can cry but I can’t vomit. I can feel the bile build up but the vomit won’t come out. I want to be sick. Physically and mentally.

I always used to wonder what it would be like to go crazy. Sort of romanticised it , in the way peole build a love affair with the idea of death. You dress it up, not thinking about the negative points but only the blissful peace. or what you imagine to be peace.

I’m sorry. I want to apologise for what happened to me, the little girl i was 7 years ago , because nobody else will apologise for what happened. and when people offer their condolences it doesn’t matter because it’s not you who needs to apologise, it’s them.

I can still see one of them smiling .. smiling, joyful , gleeful even. not because they were doing something wrong, no because it was this new and exciting experience to have. a ringside seat. that look that you get when something is just so great you’re just gob smacked that you’ve been let in on it.

What kind of sick person watches his friend rape a 7 year old and sits there gleefully like a naughty boy who got the last of the chocolate?

I’d never actually remembered his facial expression until now..

Courage

according to my philosophy teacher there is a difference between courage and recklessness.

tonight i did something that really terrified me. more than feeling suicidal or going to do a hiv test.

i told the guy i’ve been seeing that i am not coping very well in regard to coming to terms with my rape. He knew that I’ve been raped, and his reaction was pretty standard I guess. He didn’t know what to say, but then asked me how I felt about things- sexually. I lied. He then brought it up on another occasion saying that rape doesn’t count as sex. I laughed.

i feel like shit for hiding my feelings. Now it’s clear that any intimate relationship i have will be affected by this.

i feel in 2 minds admitting that I’m not ‘superwoman’, that i’m weak at time/ human and that I have my limits. i don’t know how he will react to being told that I have contemplated suicide and that I’m scared. Probably wasn’t my best idea to do it via text. But i’m a bit of an impulsive person

I don’t know why it scared me so much, perhaps because it took a certain level of trust and opening myself up for more hurt. I feel better though, like a weight off my chest. I’m not anxious about his reply. If people are supposed to be in your life they will be there, so better sooner rather than later I guess.

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

all things aside though, i do think he’s a pretty great guy 🙂 let’s hope i still think that tomorrow.

also feel a bit weird talking about this online actually, it’s weird i find discussing my relationship more intimate than discussing rape..

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