my healing journey

Archive for October, 2012

Aside

Combating idiocy

this week has seen me have guys sleep over or me sleep over at guys houses and not instantly think that sex was expected of me, which is a vast improvement from a few months ago. slowly, even though it’s hard i’m beginning to be able to have friendships with men without feeling that i need to ‘reward’ them in some way.

i’ve noticed that if i talk to a guy, people around automatically seem to assume that someone wants to sleep with the other. to me this is just immature bullshit.

maybe this is what happens when you supposedly become an ‘adult’, all people seem to think about is sex. or maybe this is just what happens when you grow up to become and insecure fool? i don’t know.

i’m also starting to recognise when i am attracted to someone because they have a lot of drama going on in their life, which is also an improvement.

but in all honesty, i wish people would just grow up. it makes it hard to have friendships when people are always putting outside pressures of the ‘expectation’ of sex being involved.

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questions

i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.

i’ve completed my first set of counselling

i’ve started university

also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms

 

these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.

i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.

it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.

is there something wrong with me?

should i just settle for bad relationships?

are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?

has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?

will it ever get better?

i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog. 

i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.

i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.

i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.

i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.

i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’

i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.

now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.

i don’t want to be ill forever

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