my healing journey

Archive for July, 2012

Consent and stereotypes

i was in a situation a few days ago where i was with a partner, i wanted to have sex but he didn’t. it was funny because when i think of consent and sex, it’s always me portraying men as ‘the bad guys who do n’t listen when you say no’, instead in this situation it was me persisting when he was clearly saying no.

i didn’t pay much attention to the situation , until he said ‘you can’t make me have sex’. it wasn’t an unpleasant situation but those words made me think about me and my perception of consent.

i think i have to relearn what consent is and scenarios in which i can be seen to be crossing boundaries. it’s interesting as it’s not something that had really crossed my mind before.

maybe it’s to do with the idea reinforced through patriarchy that men always want sex and females are the ones always ‘giving in’. i’m not excusing my persistence, and i will apologise for that incident next time i see him.

it made me a bit sad because i’ve been adamant not to let abuse define me and my actions and for myself not to turn into an abuser myself. however, i guess it’s not as simple and clear cut. i’ll have to look at my actions and how i communicate with partners and it probably would do well for me to stick it in my head that no does indeed mean no.

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Unemployment

i went for a meeting at the job centre and explained i couldn’t work tuesdays because i have counselling.

lady asks ‘counselling for what’ and looks at me as if i’m lying.

i gave her a dirty look and then responded with ‘child abuse’.

she then observes me and asks ‘how long will that last for’

i reply ’12 weeks or more, then i’m booked in for counselling at another place’

we then had a 10 minute unpleasant conversation with her acting as if i should grow up and money is more important than people’s mental health and me sitting there getting gradually angrier.

that is the first time i’ve had to tell a complete stranger face to face about sexual abuse, and it wasn’t the greatest response i’ve had. it actually made me feel as if i wanted to cry on the spot.

the moral of the story is that some people are just vile.

Misery guts

i’ve been thinking about a wide range of things lately but haven’t really had the energy to sit down and analyse each individual thing.

the main thing i’ve been thinking recently is how negative i’ve been in regard to the possibility of positive things happening to me and how i feel it is impossible for those around me to actually be decent people. or for me to deserve good things. i think i’ve just taken the opinion that overall the majority of people are shit and the majority of life is crap and it’s not going to get any better.

this is probably linked to recent events but it is also very irritating and quite a bit of a downer. ithink i may need to relearn how to enjoy things again and not always be on guard. which sounds simple but is actually pretty difficult in practise.

another random skill i appear to have picked up is to recognise when i’m hungry, sad, upset, worn out.. and actually respond to these things.

i should be happy about this but i feel a bit stupid really,. these are basic , basic things that i am now having to adjust to and relearn.

recently i also picked up on another issue. i have an overwhelming fear of hiv, which again is trauma related. i can’t have sex without whipping myself into an anxious frenzy and then convincing myself that i have hiv.

lots of little irritations which all build up into big annoying dramas in my life. =/

Enjoy it while it lasts..

This morning i received a text from a friend that i had made recently. He was texting me to let me know that he was moving back to Ireland to sort out his drinking problem. At first when i met this person i was reluctant to spend time with them, but the thing that hit me when i received the text is that i wish i hadn’t been so paranoid. sometimes people or events enter your life, and they may last for a long while or for a little while, sometimes they may be good , at other times they may be negative. at the end of the day nothing lasts forever so you may as well live in the moment and enjoy it whilst you can.

so what i’ve decided now is to try and live in the moment as best as i can and go with the flow and be one with life, because one day i may regret not doing just that.

Aging

Lately i’ve been having dreams about having to lie about where i am or dreaming that i still live at home, feeling trapped and constrained.

then i wake up and remember that i don’t live at home anymore, and i stop panicking.

visiting my siblings sort of opened my eyes to the fact that i don’t feel very young anymore which is ridiculous as i’m 19. but i don’t feel 19 i feel as if i’ve aged beyond my years in an incredibly short space of time, which  could be seen as either positive or negative.

i feel as if i’ve had to deal with things and worry about issues that most 19 year olds would not have to. i’ve been told that i don’t seem as if i’m 19 , just the other day i was told that i have ‘a wise head on my shoulders’.

the problem with not feeling your age in that i sort of feel out of sync. i don’t know if i can really feel comfortable with people who are older than me , say in their 30s onwards, but at the same time i do. i get suspicious of the motives of older men. to tell the truth i’m suspicious of the motives of most people around me these days. i don’t know if that’s just paranoia or anxiety.

for the first time in my life i seem to be drawing attention left right and centre. and also for the first time in my life i don;t really care. maybe that’s part of maturing, not being desperate for attention and feeling cynical. it’s sad but at the same time its a safeguard against hurt i suppose. i’ve been through enough recently.

listening to my body i can tell it’s under a lot of stress, although i don’t know what the source of stress is. maybe it’s another sign i need to take care of myself some more, and listen to what i need and stop worrying quite so much.

it doesn’t help that i feel as if i am being judged all the time, or that my mother is still in denial and feels the need to call me and pretend nothing at all has happened in the past few months. but at the end of the day there’s nothing i can do to control or change the way she is, so i’ve given up on that. right now i can’t really handle her, so i ‘m just going to try and figure out a way of reducing my stress levels and enjoy whatever is happening at this moment in time.

Jumble

i feel as if i’ve abandoned writing for a bit, i haven’t even written in my diary for the past week and a bit. this may be because i’ve been relatively drained partying and ‘experiencing’.

it’s funny how life just happens. but then that is life. it flows how it wants to flow and i’ve realised that i’ve had a much easier time letting that happen. i can’t control how life happens, i can control my actions but i can’t control the actions of those around me.

recently i made the decision to forgo relationships. i feel as if i’m in the process of developing into a new person, and it’s either i find the will to keep developing and push on without feeling restricted and influenced by another person, or i just avoid relationships all together and focus solely on developing and being hedonistic.

it’s pretty ironic, because as soon as i stopped focusing on relationships, thats when all my romantic encounters have started to happen. i even have a date on tues with someone i hit it off with over the weekend.. which was completely unexpected. but that’s how life flows.

over the past month one thing i’ve been dreading was having to come face to face with the last guy i was seeing. of course life decided to be life and put me in a situation where we would be at the same table together sitting down which i had no previous knowledge about.

it turns out when you dread things before they actually happen, you just cause yourself anxiety for no reason, and the actual event isn’t that bad in reality. we didn’t talk and just ignored each other, which is probably for the best but made me feel a bit sad afterwards. it’s not nice to have history with someone and then have everything turn cold and hostile.

i haven’t been to therapy in nearly a month. i don’t know if i will continue to go or not. i feel pretty apathetic about it at the moment. i’ve stopped taking my herbal anxiety pills, because in all honesty i don’t think theyre worth the money. i also won’t be going on anti-depressants, because i enjoy my highs and lows. well not enjoy, but it’s what i know.

i made a random decision to phone home today. in two days time i will be seeing my siblings for the first time in about 4 months. i wanted to cry when i heard them over the phone. i keep dreaming about visiting them so maybe my dreams are telling me what my brain was too scared to process.

if i could wish for anything i’d wish for more courage. courage to be confident. courage to trust myself. courage to step outside the box. courage to let go of wanting to have control over every little thing. courage to be able to talk and sit next to male friends and not feel the fear of being sexually assaulted again. this is actually something that has been bothering me recently and is making me anxious and unable to relax. it probably has to do with the fact that i had trusted my abusers and they abused my trust, so can i now in adulthood trust anyone else?

i don’t really know how to end this post because it was all a it of a jumble of thoughts that hadn’t been let out over the past week or so.

but they’re out now 🙂

Exploration

from about last weekend i’ve probably started to make up for all the partying i never had the chance to do during my adolescence.

somehow i ended up having sex with my friend and kissing a girl. i don’t know if i regret this or not, i don’t know if i particularly care. i think i worry too much and need to learn to have a good , yet safe time. i’m trying to relearn and imagine sex. i’ve set boundaries and now only do what i feel comfortable with. i came home today after spending a night at a friends house after sleeping over. i didn’t feel the need to have intercourse with him, although other things did happen. but the important thing was i knew what i wanted and what i didn’t want and i didn’t feel as if i had to push myself to please another person.

i’m trying to be brave and face life. i’ve learnt some bitter truths in the past few months/weeks and i’m just trying to continue living even in the face of setbbacks. i think i have probably been drinking a little TOO freely this past week and that’s something i need to watch. 

i just want to give myself courage to keep going on. i missed my last therapy session because i simply could not face my counsellor and i felt i had done something wrong by having casual sex and wel.. having fun. i don’t know whose standards i keep judging myself by. i remember a time when the only opinion that mattered to me was my own and if i was happy with something that was good enough. i didn’t have to impress anybody else. i want this back. i want to be autonomous again. i’m just tired of having to learn and re learn.

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