Nightmares

today i started my day waking up from a nightmare about my dad basically pouring hot water on me and my mum blaming me for defending myself and refusing to acknowledge that my father was trying to injure me.

perhaps this is a metaphor for her refusing to sacknowledge anything in regard to the child abuse and turning on me and taking out her anger.

it might also be me acknowledging th anger i felt as a child when she failed to protect me from my father.

either way i would prefer not to wake up every night after a nightmare

Growth

i feel as if i am on the edge of something new, but i feel compelled by fear to hold on to old ways and the past.

today i met up with a friend who may possibly become a new sex partner. i also came to the realisation that if i was to enter a romantic relationship with someone , it wouldn’t be just to fill a void. i don’t want that anymore. i want someone who lights up my world and who makes me want them. i don’t want to feel as if i should settle. that’s something i’ve been doing for a long time. settling for people that don’t give me what i want because it’s better than not having anyone. but it’s not better, it just makes me feel even more alone.

i’m experiencing a new path and testing out what it is that i want and need.

my friend called me indecisive today, and suggested maybe it’s because i don’t know who i really am. maybe i don’t know anymore. so much stuff has happened recently and what i thought was stability has been thrown up in the air and now the pieces are waiting to hit the ground. i’m still waiting for them to fall in place.

i feel as if i have to remould myself. re define myself. get to know myself again. sexually and spiritually. over the years i’ve become very lost and extremely unhappy. hell, i’m still unhappy. but after this unhappiness somethind has to come of it.

it has to.

because if it doesn’t then what is the point?

change is supposed to be painful right?

so when does the pain end and when will i get to reap the benefits?

i wish i had someone to answer my questions

Unappreciated

It’s a sad reality in this day and age that the highest insult or hurt seems to come from someone unfriending you on a social networking profile. somehow it seems more personal and.. public?

well today i finally unfriended the last person i was romantically involved with. to tell the truth i was tried of the notifications and his attempts to make contact via the updates of mutual friends. i was angry that i am supposed to act as if nothing had happened between us and that i’m not hurt and angry. because i am hurt and angry.

i am angry because i know if i had mistreated or insulted and devalued someone in the way he had done to me then i would at least be making an effort to apologise. it just makes me feel as if i am worth nothing, pretty much the way i was made to feel indirectly when i was involved with him. i’m hurt because for some reason i am upset that i have lost this person in my life, yet it is clear they do not value me enough to attempt to check how i am or check how things are between us. it hurts knowing someone you once had feelings for and may still have some feelings for, doesn’t give a damn about you.

i’m tired of thinking to myself and hearing this person’s head in my voice. i feel as if i am going crazy. i hate imagining the insults, the lack of thought or attempts at communication from this person. i’m tired of obsessing over said person’s past relationship, because it was all we ever seemed to talk about. i feel as if this person is just another chapter from a dark, painful period of my life and although i felt happy with them for a bit, the damage that has been left overrides that.

i don’t know if i really did have feelings for this person or if i clung to the idea of the person out of loneliness, but i am now admitting to myself that they had a big impact on me and i feel scarred, lost and alone. i feel unable to trust. i feel fearful of relationships in general. i feel disappointed in myself. i still feel trapped. i don’t feel free. most of all i just feel sad.

this is not how i envisioned that things would work out. i feel as if i have lost any stability i once had. stability in the sense of i knew what would happen, i could predict what would happen and now i am not sure anymore. its pretty messed up that a few months i was wishing he would hurt me just because that’s what i knew and then i find out this person was hurting me all along. just like everyone else i had trusted was.

Slumps

I’m in a bit of a slump atm.

i’ve just come back from a weekend away and had a few uncomfortable conversations with one of my friends which has forced me to look at what has happened and really take it in.

i’m very tired and feel almost as if i’m not present.

hopefully i’ll be able to write a bit more and in better depth, once i’ve ‘recovered’ a bit over the next couple of days.

right now i am forcing myself to get into a sleep pattern

Drained

i don’t want to think too much, because if i do think or the horrible things will be too much and i’ll stop wanting to think, and i’ll be overwhelmed and i’ll do something stupid.

i saw my counsellor today. i told her about how i have issues with people teaching me things, and how i’d rather teach myself. i told i think it may be linked to my child abuse, i don’t know.

we spoke about my past relationships.

we spoke about a lot of things but i don’t really have the energy to write about it at the moment.

i’m very tired as usual and now i have chest pains and i don’t know why. and i feel emotional and it also doesn’t help that my housemate has just written a facebook status talking about how she loves her friend so much and wants to rape her.

i wish i had the ‘luxury’ to joke about rape. 

is it even a luxury or just pure stupidty?

i have an unfinished book about child sexual abuse staring me in the face, i don’t want to continue reading it.

Gaps.

these days i’m sleeping a ridiculous amount of hours. i’m pretty fed up at the moment.

today before i went to sleep i was crying over my last relationship, then when i woke up the first thing that came into my head is that i can’t use people to fill a void that they didn’t cause. the void will always be there, i’ll need to learn to fill it up myself.

i feel so lonely and sad but i can’t pinpoint the exact reason.

my head seems more free to think things through, but my body is so exhausted.

i wish i had someone to cling to, but i don’t like clinging to people. by nature i think i am an independant person, by circumstance i end up stuck like glue to others who can only do so much to help me.

i’m tired. extraordinarily tired. and no amount of sleep seems to be curing this.

Bitterness

I received some rather disappointing news yesterday. someone i got together with recently revealed to me that he is in fact in love with his best friend and that they got together after we had engaged in sexual activities and that he didn’t want to do anything to spoil their friendship, and that they were going to make a go of things.

 i was suprisingly calm at the situation and wished him luck. although i was very irritated. then i went on a full scale rant of bitterness to my friends. one of them even commented on the fact that nothing in my life ever seems to be simple.

i feel as if i have the right to be bitter to be honest. none of my relationships ever seem to work out, but then when i think about it, this may have been for the better in the long run. i could either have been stuck with a guy i don’t think i really was attracted to, who was in love with his best friend or with a person who is at high risk of being a perpatrator of domestic violence.

maybe i don’t really have that much to be bitter about really, i’m not quite sure about how i feel about romance or relationships right now.

maybe the failure of all these hookups/romances is a sign telling me that i need to take time out and concentrate on myself and learn to be alone again.

maybe i will listen. most likely i will not. either way i’m trying to get over the breakdown of my last romantic relationship and concentrate on not being made into an ugly person because of it.

Trying to organise my thoughts

I’m very confused at the moment and as a result i am very tired.

i don’t really know what i’m sup;posed to be worrying about at the moment, but i feel as if i should be worrying about something, however i’m too exhausted to actually care.

i keep having strange dreams. but in these recent ones i’ve been facing up to the situation instead of trying to run away

last night i had a dream that i was infected with the hiv virus. maybe as the days go past my dreams are becomming more and more about the sexual abuse.

i can’t really stop that, because i have to sleep.

i wish there was a bin were i could throw all my thoughts into, put a lid on it and never have to look back at them again.

Games

i was planning to write a post on the element of control.

i watched a video were someone proposed everyone needs to have control over at least aspect of their lives.

actually i may as well just write the post now.

recently i’ve noticed that i’ve been ‘playing games’. these ‘games’ are generally centred around my education, i.e how much can i leave it before i’m still able to wake up in time for an exam or a support lesson? how much can i proscrastinate and not study and still make the mark that i need? 

i now these games are unnecessary and detrimental but i still have the control, because i’ve created the control. It’s not productive and i need to get out of this mindset before it becomes any worse.

recently i’ve had extra stress put on me, on top of exams, dealing with a breakup, disturbing issues being raised in conselling , i now need to find some way to get a large amount of money in orser to pay a deposit and i have 1 week to do so.

i think the saying it’s one damn thing after another is appropriate here.

i’m exhausted. i’ve spent the past two days oversleeping, waking up and then sleeping the rest of the day away because i don’t have the energy to get up.

i have niggling thoughts of self-harm coming up again.

i think my sleep periods are a sign of another depressive episode coming on.

it’s funny, because i’m trying to hold on to something but i don’t know what it is. i can’t control the future or what could happen. i don’t want to venture into the unknown but i have no choice. 

Glue

i’ve noticed something. It’s very important to me to feel as if i am validated by men.

when i was younger i would test to see whether i was attractive or not, judging by the amount of sleezy comments/looks i got from men when i walked out regardless of whether or not friends told me i did look good.

as i got older it became more as if it was important to me to have a relationship. that the guy came above everything. nothing else matters unless he approved of or liked something. his interests suddenly became my whole life. i was nothing with a guy

this came to my attention more recently. i got together with someone, and i’m not uite sure what is going on. maybe it’s something, maybe it’s nothing. but the main point is that i can slowly feel hysteria creeping in. if my message is not replied to, my whole mood changes. if my message is replied to, my whole mood changes. 

even i can tell that it’s not healthy to have someone i barely know have such a biug impact on my mood, through such trivial things.

i don’t know where i got this idea that the way i am treated by a man somehow says something about me.

that the guy is somehow ‘God’. that they can get away with anything they like, just because i don’t value myself enough and like the crumbs of attention i may or may not receive from them.

i’ve had enough and i now realise it’s damaging and making me available to the wrong type of people.

so i have made the choice to stay single until i can deal with being single and by myself. when i can rely on myself again instead of wanting to be surgically attached to another person due to fear of abandonment.

maybe this is due to the child abuse, maybe it’s due to abandonment as a child. maybe  it’s both. i don’t know