my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘rape’

relationships: relearning the difference between friendship and sexual relationships

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Sex after sexual abuse

I don’t really know where to begin with this. Ever since I was a pre-teen I was obsessed with sex, this may or may not have been due to childhood abuse but either way it was part of me. And to be honest I did enjoy being sexually empowered, in those situations when I felt I was in control of my sexuality and not being pressured into it. To put it bluntly – I like dirty, hot , messy, hard sex. But that doesn’t mean that my mind is in the right zone for it.

For the past 3 years I have either been in pain during sex or sexual contact, or mhy mind will drift away during sex, or I may black out and dissociate. This has all added to it being difficult for me to enjoy sexual pleasure or feelings and I’m guessing due to childhood abuse has made me feel embarrassed as if sex is something I should be ashamed of.

This has slowly started to improve with my current and last 2 partners. Its only over the past year that I have begun to slowly open up and let my body enjoy sex. This is important. I don’t want to continue my life associated sex with abuse and letting it impact my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, aswel as the effects that not being able to relax during consensual sex has on relationships.

I guess the best way to improve at something is practise.. and practise can be fun if you can think of ways to enjoy it. But I do not want to force myself into thinking about enjoying sex, I guess it will come back slowly over time and with care and nurture.

Friendship- or the lack of it

this is a pretty negative post i’m about to write, which kind of sucks because i’ve been pretty happy and stable of recent.

i have a ‘friend’ who takes constant delight in informing me that i am ‘crazy’. tbh looking back at it now, if you have a ‘friend’ who tells you you are insane all of the time, then well yeah.. they probably aren’t really a good friend.

so i decided to give this wonderful chum of mine an explanation to why i am so nuts. i think child abuse will fuck even the most sane of us up.. pun not intended. especially if said abuse has resulted in family breakdowns and abusive relationships ‘(both sexual and platonic) – which is also another thing i need to look at. toxic friendships…

said chum’s reply was that ‘you shouldn’t tell people this kind of shit’, he then went on to explain how i should feel sorry for him because he couldn’t handle the information and the bad effect it has had on him.

this seems to be a recurring theme in the selfish people i seem to meet in this world. somehow i am responsible for them feeling hard done by, by the fact that they have heard about sexual abuse.

obviously some people are stronger than others, that’s life really. but sometimes there is a time and place for cowardice.

there is never a time or place for victim-blaming, in any shade or form.

scared

i have a lot of things i need to write about i guess, because i haven’t written anything in a while. not because i didn’t have anything to, but because i just didn’t.

in 2 days time i will be going to the doctor in order to join an eating disorder group. this is a big change. one that is pretty scary aswel.

i’ve been waking up in the morning and forcing myself to go for walks.. this is scary too.

my counsellor thinks i’m fragile.. this is also scary

and i’ve realised that my counselling will go on for as long as i live… i still don’t know if i want to live.. this is also scary

i met a guy i really like.. and who i think about a lot .. and who makes me smile.. a lot

this is scary.

coming to terms with the fact my family abandoned me as well. scary

getting used to having friendships and maintaining them. scary

rebuilding myself up all over again.

scary

knowing it was me who went through child abuse. is fucking terrifying 

‘what would you like to get out of counselling?’

I’ve started counselling again. this time it will be for a year.

it was pretty strange being sat there again. as if i’d graduated from the last counselling session and now was on to the next grade of counselling. as if i had moved up a level or something.

instead of my usual bravado of joking about and being loud and ‘not giving a fuck’ i was actually pretty quiet and reflective and almost cried once.

it’s always weird when i get asked ‘what i want out of counselling’, because the answer is i don’t actually know. i don’t really have a set goal or motive. i just want to not be crazy. but then i guess thats a goal but it sounds a bit stupid when i say it out loud..

i duno

i’d like to have self-esteem

i’d like to have confidence

i’d like not to be anxious all the time

i’d like not to be ruled by depression

i’d like to be able to live life at a normal pace

i’d like not to be hyperaware

i’d like to like myself

i’d like to be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with someone

i’d like to be able to have male friends

i’d like to feel worthy

i’d like not to be alone

i’d like not to feel like a child

maybe this is what i should say next time.

the whole process is very tiring. maybe this is where i put all the pieces together of everything i have remembered in the past year and come to terms with it? i just want a break. a year ago around this time is when it all started. this is probably why i’m in such a state at the moment. =/

Child

over the past few days i have been very upset. i think it’s slowly starting to hit me that for my own benefit i need to be alone and not be sexually involved with men, because it is starting to turn me a bit crazy.

all my experience with guys has always been sex. i’ve never ever had a guy friend who is just a friend. i find this quite worrying.

even as a child all my experiences with men were sexual.

now i am 20 and still cannot really say i’ve ever had a male friend who i have not thought of in a sexual way or a romantic way or have expected them to be sexually attracted to me.

i think this is mentally unhealthy.

i feel very vulnerable atm. i’ve been getting very depressed as the time comes for me to restart counselling again.

it’s finally dawned on me that this is the 2nd chapter, of perhaps many more to come.

it is very exhausting.

i feel very alone.

all i’d like is a hug or someone to tell how i feel properly without having to cover up my feelings or pretend to be strong. in the past i always relied on partners for that. maybe thats my downfall. trusting people too much before i got to know them.

trusting people not to abuse me.

which led to abuse.

i think i need to give myself a break and hug myself mentally and emotionally.

i’ve always tried to plan ahead, so now i’m going to try and take things as they come, which will be hard and a big change.

i feel very out of control.

i don’t like it. 

change is bringing me depression and confusion in my mental state.

questions

i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.

i’ve completed my first set of counselling

i’ve started university

also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms

 

these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.

i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.

it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.

is there something wrong with me?

should i just settle for bad relationships?

are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?

has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?

will it ever get better?

i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog. 

i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.

i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.

i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.

i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.

i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’

i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.

now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.

i don’t want to be ill forever

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