My brain seems to be getting into a new habit of making me remember all the traumatic memories I have right before I go to sleep.
That time before you sleep and you are supposed to be lying down with nothing running through your mind, I don;t have that anymore instead I have images of horrible events clear like photographs in my mind as soon as I close my eyes.
I guess it is my brain trying to process them but it’s not helping. You would think your brain is on your side instead of working against you. I’m supposed to wind down and relax before sleep not tense up and be traumatised.
Instead of sleeping at night I sleep in the morning. I guess during the light there’s less places for these thoughts to hide. They seem to only come out at night.
I feel like a part of me is still stuck in childhood. Like my brain hasn’t caught up or accepted that I’m an adult now and I am no longer stuck in these horrible moments- that I don’t have to keep replaying them, that I deserve to give myself a break.
It feels as if each day is the same. A constant repetition. I will go to sleep late attached to my laptop, wake up around 7am, force myself to sleep – constantly waking up every hour or so until it’s 1/2/3 pm. Feel shit. Miss sunlight- then all of a sudden it’s nightime again. My sleep doesn’t relax me. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I feel shit.
I can’t relax. I can’t remember the last time in ears that I felt relaxed. I don’t relax during sex. I don’t relax whilst I drink. I don’t relax whilst smoking weed. It’s like my body has forgotten how to do it. I learnt it’s one of the factors of PTSD, always being hyper-vigilant. I don’t want this anymore. It feels like my brain and my body don’t know that they are no longer in danger. If I want to chill out my brain will remind me of all the reasons why I cannot. My body holds it. I have chronic pain. I’m not surprised that I snapped – there is only so long a person can hold on to all the nervous energy and tension without going crazy.
Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won’t wake up mid afternoon and reproduce the cycle I’ve been in for the past few months. Maybe I will force myself out of bed instead of trying to force myself back into a restless sleep that contains more and more distressing dreams and nightmares.
Dreams of me breaking down and crying – at least in my dreams I have some sort of release, I don’t have the luxury of being able to cry in real life. I cannot remember the last time I let all my feelings flow out through tears, I miss it.
I’m tired of the mental and physical pain and it’s no release. I’m tired of not wanting to be awake. I’m tired of not feeling there is a way out. I just want to relax if only for a few minutes, to forget my troubles and anxieties. To be normal if only for a while.
These were the books I bought to help aid success
The books that symbolised recovery
The books that symbolised struggle
These are the books that now show failure
The books that show regret
The empty pages symbolise no education
No fulfilment of dreams –
What do you do when it is only grades and marks that create your being?
I cannot pass the test that is life
Yet can pass irrelevant examinations
That is true failure.
.. and my mindset is pretty equipped at doing that right now. I think I’m mentally torturing myself on purpose, because deep down i don’t feel as if i deserve to be happy or deserve good things to happen to me. I don’t understand why. Maybe someone can explain it to me. Or maybe I’m just crazy.
I’m tired 😦
I remember when i first started sleeping with my fwb. to be honest it probably wasn’t the best idea, not that I regret it, but most likely wasn’t the smartest decision i’d ever made. long story short, when you’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship think twice before engaging in ‘no strings attached’ sex, because your mind is most likely not going to be on the same wavelength as your clitoris..
anywho.. so yeah I used to get really jealous and worked up for reasons i couldn’t place. i wasn’t emotionally attracted to my friend in a romantic sense, but that still didn’t stop me from feeling insecure and insignificant compared to his other partners. i don’t think this was due to the fwb set-up, but most likely unresolved issues from my family life and my parents relationship.
when a child isn’t presented with a good model for relationships and is instead provided with manipulation, threats and fear, this is the only model the child looks to.
so i’m not surprised that many of my past relationships have been destructive and co-dependent. i can’t actually remember one healthy relationship I’ve had in the past. it was either emotional manipulation or constant conflict. also the fact that I’ve been cheated on or left for another person in every past relationship doesn’t help. It’s a pretty funny joke if you look at it from that point of view..
But I don’t want to create self-fulfilling prophecies in any relationship i have right now and may or may not have in the future
change is scary and it’s also difficult. it’s easier to remain in the same patterns you have known and created in your past than to turn around and learn from your mistakes. i have a little more hope for the future in regard to relationships and hopefully I’ll be brave enough to come out of this self-destructive pattern that i cling to so tightly. I also aim to stop reading crap dating advice.
i went slightly off track but back to the title..
when i got stressed i took an interest in meditation. during these intervals of 10/20 minutes i began to calm down and think clearly, seeing that situations weren’t really as awful as I’d imagined them to be during my bouts of anxiety, but recently meditation hasn’t had the same effect on me.. or perhaps i just need to meditate more. some heavy duty relaxation is required..
i think i reached a crisis point yesterday but i have no idea why. all i remember is thinking about how unfair everything that had happened to me was, wanting to text my mum to distance myself away from her then falling on my bed contemplating ending everything. then i decided to call Samaritans before i did do something instead of just fantasizing about the idea.
when you see black, it’s almost peaceful but at the same time it’s a waste. maybe next week i won’t feel so shit , and then my ghost could be looking back saying ‘i told you so’.. don’t want to anger that ghost now do you..
joined a forum for fellow survivors http://www.aftersilence.org , they have a chatroom there which is useful so hope to use that sometime today. also need to work on this paranoia. i wonder if OCD is also part of rape trauma.
last night had a good whinge about my life to a mate.. well several mates actually. i don’t think it works because even when i clear my head, the same worries and anxieties just resurface again. maybe it’s time to sit down and tackle the root of the problem.