I remembered something when i was reading my book on child abuse.
it spoke about how some survivors of csa may fantasize about abusing other children in the same sexual way. while i was reading that i remembered that sometime i used to think of my siblings in a sexual way. not openly. more sort of supressed. but then push the thought away because it was wrong. i also remember reading stories about peadophile rings and chilod porn and subconsciously thinking maybe these actions weren’t so bad. but then snapping out of that and forcing myself to think that it was wrong. because rationally i know it is wrong, deep down i do not know if i believe that. my own belief system sexually has been tampered with so it’s very confusing.
yeah so as i was thinking about this , i remembered before my rape i think one of my grandparents told me that the 2 boys who lived with them were my ‘brothers’. not brothers as in blood brothers but somehow older substitute brothers because i didn’t have any and they were close to my age range. i don’t think this is a false memory because i remember saying to someone i have 2 brothers in nigeria and they are older than me. (actually i just remembered that now), i told that to one of my friends in school. i remember being so happy that i had these ‘brothers’. and often wondering whether in fact they were my real brothers.
so somehow i have experienced almost incest and child sexual abuse.
i connected this link to why in the past i sometimes thought of my uncle in a sexual way, or my siblings. because if it was ‘normal’ for my ‘brothers’ to do this, then it must be ‘normal’ for me to have these thoughts’
I don’t think it was normal at all. No , it’s not normal , it makes me feel sick.
I’ve always had problems with any form of relationship with older men. i always think that the relationship is sexual and find myself acting out and wanting to look ‘attractive’ for older men that i have no actual attraction for and generally feel sick at the thought of imagining them in any sexual way.
I always felt as if i had a duty to look ‘pretty’ for men and to exp[ect them to touch me in a certain way ande not be repulsed.. and to ‘want’ it.
i out myself in dangerous positions on purpose in the past. walking down alleyways, wanting to be harassed by men and be attackled in a sexual way. almost getting excited from the prospect of thinking about it. thankfully nothing has happened to me. actually i don’t know if i am really thankful about that just yet.
recently i find myself avoiding groups of older men, crossing the road and walking faster. i feel threatened when men approach me. i feel compelled to give out my number if men ask for it m, because ‘i have to’. i feel scared when guys try to chat me up or try to talk to me when i walk past them.
i have a weird relationship with men at the moment right now.