my healing journey

Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

Failure to relax

It feels as if each day is the same. A constant repetition. I will go to sleep late attached to my laptop, wake up around 7am, force myself to sleep – constantly waking up every hour or so until it’s 1/2/3 pm. Feel shit. Miss sunlight- then all of a sudden it’s nightime again. My sleep doesn’t relax me. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I feel shit.

I can’t relax. I can’t remember the last time in ears that I felt relaxed. I don’t relax during sex. I don’t relax whilst I drink. I don’t relax whilst smoking weed. It’s like my body has forgotten how to do it. I learnt it’s one of the factors of PTSD, always being hyper-vigilant. I don’t want this anymore. It feels like my brain and my body don’t know that they are no longer in danger. If I want to chill out my brain will remind me of all the reasons why I cannot. My body holds it. I have chronic pain. I’m not surprised that I snapped – there is only so long a person can hold on to all the nervous energy and tension without going crazy.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won’t wake up mid afternoon and reproduce the cycle I’ve been in for the past few months. Maybe I will force myself out of bed instead of trying to force myself back into a restless sleep that contains more and more distressing dreams and nightmares.

Dreams of me breaking down and crying – at least in my dreams I have some sort of release, I don’t have the luxury of being able to cry in real life. I cannot remember the last time I let all my feelings flow out through tears, I miss it.

I’m tired of the mental and physical pain and it’s no release. I’m tired of not wanting to be awake. I’m tired of not feeling there is a way out. I just want to relax if only for a few minutes, to forget my troubles and anxieties. To be normal if only for a while.

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I hate waking up

It seems of recent that one of my hobbies is extreme oversleeping. I can sleep from 9pm til midday the next day. Or 1am til 3pm the next day. This is caused by depression, I don’t feel motivated or want to get out of bed. Even if I wake up at say half 7 to pee I will still go back to sleep because it seems way too early. Today when I woke up I had a different pattern of thought, I woke up at around half 10 after snoozing several times and waking up from a nightmare about the domestic violence carried out in my childhood. I have a lot of nightmares of recent, some say it is because I have come off citolapram suddenly, but the majority of my nightmares seem to be me working out stuff in my subconscious. Anyway my realisation was that I am pretty lucky to be alive after all that me and mum went through, but at the moment it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t wake up n the morning rejoicing for another day instead I roll under the duvet and sleep for a few more hours. I suppose it’s a way of avoiding my problems and coping but it doesn’t really help. I get more fatigue, I get depressed because I can’t wake up and fall behind further in university because I am sleeping instead of making my way into class, I get depressed because of the nightmares that I have, I get depressed because of doing university work I am sleeping, I get depressed because I am losing weight due to the fact that instead of eating I am sleeping and I get stressed out because I am getting worse backpain due to lying in bed all day.

 

I don’t really know what to do anymore, I just know I don’t want to get out of bed.

Aside

Education  

Education

These were the books I bought to help aid success

The books that symbolised recovery

The books that symbolised struggle

These are the books that now show failure

The books that show regret

Disappointment

The empty pages symbolise no education

No fulfilment of dreams  –

Humiliation

Sorrow

Regret

Anger

Resentment

Disgust

–          Failure

What do you do when it is only grades and marks that create your being?

I cannot pass the test that is life

Yet can pass irrelevant examinations

That is true failure.

my father

My father

I met these guys and they were all like my father.

Not in way of looks but in way of life.

 

Some were short some were tall, some were skinny , some were not.

Some were white and some were black.

Some were handsome, some  were not

But they were all my father.

 

I met one who used me

I met one who guilt tripped me into having sex

I met one who threatened to kill me

I met one who left me in my darkest hour

I met one who humiliated me

And I met one who treated me as if I was a trophy.

 

They were all abusive.

 

They were all my father.

They were all my mother

 

I met a guy who was alright

He wasn’t perfect but he was alright.

He told me he was honest, but all I saw was my father.

He was nice to me, but all I saw was my father.

He cared about me, but all I saw was my father.

He said he would never hurt me, but all I felt was my father

 

I pushed him away and insulted him. I became my mother

I picked on his weak spots and I became my father.

I drank, and I became my mother

I was cruel and I became both parents.

 

I cried and I became nobody.

Aside

‘We stare at b…

‘We stare at broken clocks, the hands don’t turn anymore.
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places.
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too.
For when he died, he took a part of you.

No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes.
No explanations, no fucking reasons why.
I watched it eat you up, pieces fallen on the floor.

We stare at broken clocks, the hands don’t turn anymore.
If only sorrow could build a staircase, our tears could show the way.
I would climb my way to heaven, and bring him back home again.
Don’t give up hope my friend, this is not the end.

Death is only a chapter, so lets rip out the pages of yesterday.
Death is only a horizon. And I’m ready for my sun

We would do anything to bring him back to you.
We would do anything to end what your going through.’

I feel as if i should bury my childhood and grieve properly for it.

Bring Me The Horizon – Suicide Season

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

Trust

when you have pretty much been abandoned by those closest to you whilst trying to recover it leaves you feeling very bitter and twisted and angry at the world and everyone in it.

how can you trust anyone? you can’t even trust yourself for putting your trust in those people in the first place and expecting them to help carry or ease your burden. but then at the same time you don’t want to burden other people, because it is not their baggage to carry. nobody but yourself can experience this therefore who else is supposed to solve this problem?

i think childhood abuse has to be the biggest betrayal I’ve experienced. well it is, but it doesn’t feel like it. i feel like I’m pushing it away and covering it with other betrayals so that it doesn’t hurt quite so much, so that i don’t have to unleash the full horror that it is.

it’s funny how i can feel anger and disgust at the experiences and tales of others , but i can normalize what happened to me and almost brush it away. Like it was nothing. as if I’m nothing. Nada. Zilch

although i understand why some people choose to ignore me when i tell them what happened to me or minimize what it was or just refuse to acknowledge the information, i will not and cannot forgive anyone who has abandoned me when i most need them. i don’t generally ask for help, so when I’ve come to a point where I’ve sunk so low and try to turn to those who are important in my life and they shun/ignore me, i don’t know how to place that.

one day when I’m in a better state of mind I’ll look back and actually believe myself when i say that people’s reactions are not a reflection of me and that i am not responsible for the decisions people choose to make.

but right now i don’t fully believe that, i think to myself maybe i’m right to suffer the way i am now. maybe there was something i could have done to prevent being abused. and maybe all the betrayal, abandonment and heartache i feel right now is justified by what i have done.

i read somewhere earlier today on a forum about a woman who despised herself. she had a date and basically could not understand why this guy would chose her over a normal person. i guess normal means someone who hasn’t been ‘tainted’.

in a way i can relate to this. why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with someone so dirty, and self doubting and disgusted with their own being. someone who looks for pity and harbors in self pity,. who begs for attention and longs for companionship however bad that companionship may be. who can’t even get out of bed in the morning to shower because they feel so degraded. who breaks down at every opportunity because they feel as if they can’t cope.

i find it amazing that someone can feel all this, yet the outside world doesn’t notice and carries on as normal.

How do you NOT notice?

well actually some do notice, but not the people you want to notice.. maybe I should just be grateful for those who are supporting me right now.

anyway, the main point was that someone commented ‘you would not allow someone to say these hurtful things to you, so why do you allow yourself to?’

I don’t know..

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