my healing journey

Child

over the past few days i have been very upset. i think it’s slowly starting to hit me that for my own benefit i need to be alone and not be sexually involved with men, because it is starting to turn me a bit crazy.

all my experience with guys has always been sex. i’ve never ever had a guy friend who is just a friend. i find this quite worrying.

even as a child all my experiences with men were sexual.

now i am 20 and still cannot really say i’ve ever had a male friend who i have not thought of in a sexual way or a romantic way or have expected them to be sexually attracted to me.

i think this is mentally unhealthy.

i feel very vulnerable atm. i’ve been getting very depressed as the time comes for me to restart counselling again.

it’s finally dawned on me that this is the 2nd chapter, of perhaps many more to come.

it is very exhausting.

i feel very alone.

all i’d like is a hug or someone to tell how i feel properly without having to cover up my feelings or pretend to be strong. in the past i always relied on partners for that. maybe thats my downfall. trusting people too much before i got to know them.

trusting people not to abuse me.

which led to abuse.

i think i need to give myself a break and hug myself mentally and emotionally.

i’ve always tried to plan ahead, so now i’m going to try and take things as they come, which will be hard and a big change.

i feel very out of control.

i don’t like it. 

change is bringing me depression and confusion in my mental state.

Comments on: "Child" (3)

  1. I’m actually excited for you. The fact that you are aware of certain behaviors and patterns at the age of 20 means that you have an amazing chance of actually getting your shit together NOW, while you’re still young.To figure it out early is truly a gift. I’m 37 and I am FINALLY starting to get it. Revelations are going off left and right over here! And it’s awesome but I wasted so many years hating myself. If I knew then what I know now?!? Holy crap! There’s no telling where I would be today. But I can’t go backwards….only forwards. Same with you. Keep going to counseling. Keep listening to that inner voice that tells you what the real ‘roots’ of your issues are.Be honest with yourself. I as amazed at how many lies I was telling myself! Get to the root and then confront it. The more uncomfortable it is the better off you’ll be…. It means you’re doing something right. That’s the only way to conquer it. And you CAN become the person you want to be. I’m proof of that. I’m also a MAJOR work in progress!

    It’s definitely a process though! And everyone is different and everyone has to deal with things in their own way. But as long as you continue to choose to your work and deal with shit, there’s no stopping you from experiencing all the amazing things God has waiting for you. There’s a saying I’ve been living by lately, “To get where you wanna go you must first become the person God wants you to be.” Oh, and this one too, “Wisdom is choosing to do now what you will be satisfied with later on.”

    I hope you don’t think I’m crazy now. It’s 3:30 am and I can’t sleep so I’m lecturing you instead 😉 I think you reminded me of ME a little bit, too……ok, I’m done.

    • haha thanks for your comment. i find it a bit strange when ppl say they are excited for me coz i dont really see anything to be excited about, but thank you anyways. yh hopefully i will be able to get myself together. it’s not particularly fun though

  2. Nope, it’s not fun at all! But it’s well worth the TEMPORARY pain. When you fight your way through and reach that breakthrough…..that’s when you will know why I am excited for you.
    DON’T EVER GIVE UP……. And keep writing! That’s a HUGE part of what has helped me learn so much about myself. You mention a lot of the same things I have talked about in many of my posts! I can totally relate….check me blog out if you ever feel so inclined. Take care, sweety!
    Oh, I just wanna mention one more thing then I’ll shut up (maybe)……
    When I finally understood that I was responsible for my own happiness, things started to change. I was so busy pointing my finger at everyone else that I couldn’t SEE anything else.
    I hope I’m being helpful and not an annoyance. I’m just rooting for ya is all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: