my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘sex’

Sex after sexual abuse

I don’t really know where to begin with this. Ever since I was a pre-teen I was obsessed with sex, this may or may not have been due to childhood abuse but either way it was part of me. And to be honest I did enjoy being sexually empowered, in those situations when I felt I was in control of my sexuality and not being pressured into it. To put it bluntly – I like dirty, hot , messy, hard sex. But that doesn’t mean that my mind is in the right zone for it.

For the past 3 years I have either been in pain during sex or sexual contact, or mhy mind will drift away during sex, or I may black out and dissociate. This has all added to it being difficult for me to enjoy sexual pleasure or feelings and I’m guessing due to childhood abuse has made me feel embarrassed as if sex is something I should be ashamed of.

This has slowly started to improve with my current and last 2 partners. Its only over the past year that I have begun to slowly open up and let my body enjoy sex. This is important. I don’t want to continue my life associated sex with abuse and letting it impact my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, aswel as the effects that not being able to relax during consensual sex has on relationships.

I guess the best way to improve at something is practise.. and practise can be fun if you can think of ways to enjoy it. But I do not want to force myself into thinking about enjoying sex, I guess it will come back slowly over time and with care and nurture.

Lust

I have the images,

But not the words.

The sensation

The touch

The drip.

 

Down my spine and between my legs

 

With the tip of your tongue

Bringing me to the edge.

Bite me where it’s sensitive

And warm

Suck me where it’s slippery and

wet.

 

A bit of pain

A lot of pleasure.

 

Ha.

 

Everything is there for you to feast on.

For your eyes only

For you.

 

Innocent and sweet

Like sickly poison.

For I am the scorpion

Deadliest of all signs

Goddess of passion

 

If only lust had a mouth

For words to spill from it’s sweet lips.

Seduction.

Sensuous as they may be.

I breathe them here

–          Today, tonight

 

For you

 

As I cry in anguish

With each new touch

It keeps me wishing

 

Lust.

 

Child

over the past few days i have been very upset. i think it’s slowly starting to hit me that for my own benefit i need to be alone and not be sexually involved with men, because it is starting to turn me a bit crazy.

all my experience with guys has always been sex. i’ve never ever had a guy friend who is just a friend. i find this quite worrying.

even as a child all my experiences with men were sexual.

now i am 20 and still cannot really say i’ve ever had a male friend who i have not thought of in a sexual way or a romantic way or have expected them to be sexually attracted to me.

i think this is mentally unhealthy.

i feel very vulnerable atm. i’ve been getting very depressed as the time comes for me to restart counselling again.

it’s finally dawned on me that this is the 2nd chapter, of perhaps many more to come.

it is very exhausting.

i feel very alone.

all i’d like is a hug or someone to tell how i feel properly without having to cover up my feelings or pretend to be strong. in the past i always relied on partners for that. maybe thats my downfall. trusting people too much before i got to know them.

trusting people not to abuse me.

which led to abuse.

i think i need to give myself a break and hug myself mentally and emotionally.

i’ve always tried to plan ahead, so now i’m going to try and take things as they come, which will be hard and a big change.

i feel very out of control.

i don’t like it. 

change is bringing me depression and confusion in my mental state.

Aside

Combating idiocy

this week has seen me have guys sleep over or me sleep over at guys houses and not instantly think that sex was expected of me, which is a vast improvement from a few months ago. slowly, even though it’s hard i’m beginning to be able to have friendships with men without feeling that i need to ‘reward’ them in some way.

i’ve noticed that if i talk to a guy, people around automatically seem to assume that someone wants to sleep with the other. to me this is just immature bullshit.

maybe this is what happens when you supposedly become an ‘adult’, all people seem to think about is sex. or maybe this is just what happens when you grow up to become and insecure fool? i don’t know.

i’m also starting to recognise when i am attracted to someone because they have a lot of drama going on in their life, which is also an improvement.

but in all honesty, i wish people would just grow up. it makes it hard to have friendships when people are always putting outside pressures of the ‘expectation’ of sex being involved.

Consent and stereotypes

i was in a situation a few days ago where i was with a partner, i wanted to have sex but he didn’t. it was funny because when i think of consent and sex, it’s always me portraying men as ‘the bad guys who do n’t listen when you say no’, instead in this situation it was me persisting when he was clearly saying no.

i didn’t pay much attention to the situation , until he said ‘you can’t make me have sex’. it wasn’t an unpleasant situation but those words made me think about me and my perception of consent.

i think i have to relearn what consent is and scenarios in which i can be seen to be crossing boundaries. it’s interesting as it’s not something that had really crossed my mind before.

maybe it’s to do with the idea reinforced through patriarchy that men always want sex and females are the ones always ‘giving in’. i’m not excusing my persistence, and i will apologise for that incident next time i see him.

it made me a bit sad because i’ve been adamant not to let abuse define me and my actions and for myself not to turn into an abuser myself. however, i guess it’s not as simple and clear cut. i’ll have to look at my actions and how i communicate with partners and it probably would do well for me to stick it in my head that no does indeed mean no.

Exploration

from about last weekend i’ve probably started to make up for all the partying i never had the chance to do during my adolescence.

somehow i ended up having sex with my friend and kissing a girl. i don’t know if i regret this or not, i don’t know if i particularly care. i think i worry too much and need to learn to have a good , yet safe time. i’m trying to relearn and imagine sex. i’ve set boundaries and now only do what i feel comfortable with. i came home today after spending a night at a friends house after sleeping over. i didn’t feel the need to have intercourse with him, although other things did happen. but the important thing was i knew what i wanted and what i didn’t want and i didn’t feel as if i had to push myself to please another person.

i’m trying to be brave and face life. i’ve learnt some bitter truths in the past few months/weeks and i’m just trying to continue living even in the face of setbbacks. i think i have probably been drinking a little TOO freely this past week and that’s something i need to watch. 

i just want to give myself courage to keep going on. i missed my last therapy session because i simply could not face my counsellor and i felt i had done something wrong by having casual sex and wel.. having fun. i don’t know whose standards i keep judging myself by. i remember a time when the only opinion that mattered to me was my own and if i was happy with something that was good enough. i didn’t have to impress anybody else. i want this back. i want to be autonomous again. i’m just tired of having to learn and re learn.

Video

This video made my day :)

Aside

My Confessions

I have a lot to write about. I sat down and I made a list of all the things which were bothering me when I was trying to study.

About how I always keep my mouth shut for the sake of sparing others but then these people never seem to be there for me.

about how I’m bitter and twisted due the fact my own mother couldn’t support me, yet I hid pills from her when she threatened to kill herself and I was the one who has to witness all the destruction in my family that my parents caused, and look after my siblings and protect them and when the time came when I was the one in need she fucked off.

How i spent so many years when i was younger trying to be other people. literally making notes and trying to become them because I wanted so badly to get away from myself, but i can’t do that, I can’t run away from myself because I’m always here. I can’t run away from my mind. You can’t outrun your shadow or your past. You can try to forget but it will always come back to haunt you.

I thought about my strange behaviour in relationships. How I WANT to become obsessed with people, and make them the centre of my life and focus entirely on them , and fix them. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FIX MYSELF. Where I get so involved that I just end up hurting myself because I attract people who want to leach off me.

How I’m scared of change, but I have to change because I have no choice. I can[‘t stay here in this spot, because I will literally become nothing and I won’t be alive, I’ll be a parasite sucking on the life and successes of others and tainting it with bitterness because I’m so miserable inside myself.

I listen to a lot of metal because they do the screaming that I can’t do myself. They scream and writhe for me.

I look in disgust at my own reasoning. the way I can sympathise with the guy who raped me and his friend who watched. Maybe they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong? So why did they put a blindfold on me and why did they jump up when someone opened the door? Why did they jump back when I shouted out and saw the blood on my underwear? Why were they so nice? Did they pre plan this? I came to them asking for help because I wanted to learn a different language, and they responded by taking my trust and twisting it up for their own sexual pleasure.

Why did my family prefer to ‘keep the peace’ instead of outing the guys for the rapists that they were. since when did your honour and standing in the community become more important than your blood relatives? I don’t have a family any more. I’ve apparently been disowned. they can all fuck themselves.

I can’t be friends with a guy or meet a guy without thinking that he wants to use me for sex and that I somehow owe him something. I used to act on this until about a year ago, when i realised that no, actually I don’t want to fuck every guy I know and that I don’t have to get sexual with someone because they have a penis. I don’t need to ‘beat them to it’ by providing it on a plate.

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