my healing journey

Failure to relax

It feels as if each day is the same. A constant repetition. I will go to sleep late attached to my laptop, wake up around 7am, force myself to sleep – constantly waking up every hour or so until it’s 1/2/3 pm. Feel shit. Miss sunlight- then all of a sudden it’s nightime again. My sleep doesn’t relax me. I don’t wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I feel shit.

I can’t relax. I can’t remember the last time in ears that I felt relaxed. I don’t relax during sex. I don’t relax whilst I drink. I don’t relax whilst smoking weed. It’s like my body has forgotten how to do it. I learnt it’s one of the factors of PTSD, always being hyper-vigilant. I don’t want this anymore. It feels like my brain and my body don’t know that they are no longer in danger. If I want to chill out my brain will remind me of all the reasons why I cannot. My body holds it. I have chronic pain. I’m not surprised that I snapped – there is only so long a person can hold on to all the nervous energy and tension without going crazy.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won’t wake up mid afternoon and reproduce the cycle I’ve been in for the past few months. Maybe I will force myself out of bed instead of trying to force myself back into a restless sleep that contains more and more distressing dreams and nightmares.

Dreams of me breaking down and crying – at least in my dreams I have some sort of release, I don’t have the luxury of being able to cry in real life. I cannot remember the last time I let all my feelings flow out through tears, I miss it.

I’m tired of the mental and physical pain and it’s no release. I’m tired of not wanting to be awake. I’m tired of not feeling there is a way out. I just want to relax if only for a few minutes, to forget my troubles and anxieties. To be normal if only for a while.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: