i’ve been meaning to write a new post for a while, but i didn’t really know what to write about. i guess sometime when your brain is filled up to the maximum it’s hard to create a hole for thoughts to leak out. it’s as if too many thoughts go round in your head and they block your thoughts.
of recent i’ve been thinking about loneliness. the fact is everyone is alone with themselves in life.. which is the truth. you can run away from yourself for years but one day you will have to come to terms with just being with yourself. maybe thats why i dont write as much anymore. when i first started blogging it was an outlet for me. a way to come to terms with all the bad things that had happened to me. but now, i just want a break.
but the more i relax the more i remember. sometimes the scariest thing is facing yourself. i duno if i’m ready to or not yet though.
i haven’t had internet for a while so basically i’m about to post a load of posts all together at once.
These were the books I bought to help aid success
The books that symbolised recovery
The books that symbolised struggle
These are the books that now show failure
The books that show regret
The empty pages symbolise no education
No fulfilment of dreams –
What do you do when it is only grades and marks that create your being?
I cannot pass the test that is life
Yet can pass irrelevant examinations
That is true failure.
this week has seen me have guys sleep over or me sleep over at guys houses and not instantly think that sex was expected of me, which is a vast improvement from a few months ago. slowly, even though it’s hard i’m beginning to be able to have friendships with men without feeling that i need to ‘reward’ them in some way.
i’ve noticed that if i talk to a guy, people around automatically seem to assume that someone wants to sleep with the other. to me this is just immature bullshit.
maybe this is what happens when you supposedly become an ‘adult’, all people seem to think about is sex. or maybe this is just what happens when you grow up to become and insecure fool? i don’t know.
i’m also starting to recognise when i am attracted to someone because they have a lot of drama going on in their life, which is also an improvement.
but in all honesty, i wish people would just grow up. it makes it hard to have friendships when people are always putting outside pressures of the ‘expectation’ of sex being involved.
Last weekend i made a man run down the road from me, because he was so terrified of confrontation.
it’s funny, as soon as you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, these horrible people suddenly drop from you like flies.
I’ve never seen someone run down the road at such speed.
I am also pretty surprised that i had it in my self to confront someone directly about the way they had treated me and to stand my ground and keep my boundaries.
although it was strange. i felt a little guilty after doing so, maybe that’s because i’m not used to actually valuing myself and having other people value me? i don’t know.
i find it very hard to give men a chance know. i think everything they say to me is bullshit. maybe it’s a defence mechanism. maybe i’m just pissed off.
the day before that i spent the whole night getting free drinks off men , who thought that by buying me alcohol they could get me home. i had no remorse in giving them a run for their money. i think they’re all pathetic cunts. maybe i’m becoming a man hater. i think i have reason to be one. but then at the same time in the back of my head i know that not all men are the same. maybe i just need to go through this period of sifting through the dirt in order to learn and for my life to become better?
maybe i need to sit, absorb, think, reflect, enjoy the moment, be terrified, be brave. i don’t know really. maybe i just need to accept that for this moment in time i don’t have the answers to everything and that it’s okay not to.
I’ve had a lot of thinking to do this week and have also had a lot happen. It’s been a pretty intense week. I got into university and also on the same day i had my first public emotional breakdown.
alongside being embarrassed at breaking down crying whilst lying down on the street and sobbing hysterically into the arms of two friends whilst being completely drunk out of my head, i realised that i probably did need to have a long hysterical cry.
it has only just occurred to me now , that perhaps i have been to hard on myself over the past few months and i really just don’t give myself a break. there’s only so much a person can take, so i guess its better in than out. i actually felt pretty good after the whole thing was over anyways.
i’ve been questioning myself recently and i’m trying to decide whether or not i do actually know who i am anymore, and if i don’t a- as change is inevitable – do i like this new person i’m growing into?
another thing i’ve realised is how i relate to others around me. in regard to men, i now know that i don’t need to be validated by them and a man’s ‘approval’ will not b e the be all and end all of my existence. recently i’ve also turned down a lot of sex offers as i’ve noticed that in all truth i don’t want to sleep with these guys and i really don’t entertain the idea of ‘pity sex’ anymore, to try and make myself/them feel better.
in regard to girls, i’ve noticed that before i seemed to measure myself up against them in terms of who was more attractive physically. this is stupid as i’ve realised by determining your self worth in terms of your looks, it just shows that deep down you don’t really have any. confidence shouldn’t be cosmetic. i’ve also noticed the bitchiness i’ve received from other girls who have initially complimented me and then shortly after hit back with a cutting remark. it’s all very childish and pathetic and sad to be honest.
so.. i am still on this journey of trying to get back in touch with myself and looking after myself. allowing myself to cry if i want and not shame myself. allowing myself to think that i am more than my looks, educating my mind. allowing myself to be proud of being myself, and not idolising others. also trying to learn to stop putting myself down so much and to try and gradually deal with all my new thoughts that seem to be bubbling up. it’s all very exhausting.
Dear self, I have a question,
Why are you so concerned with the problems, wellbeings and happiness of those you knowingly enter into toxic relationships with than you are about yourself? Why do you constantly try to ‘fix’ others or hook up with those you know need ‘fixing’? you are not florence fucking nightingale, stop acting like it. The one who needs the most attention is yourself. Why do you knowingly sabotage relationships? why does it scare you when someone seems genuinely interested in you and cares about your wellbeing? Why do you send up mental shutters and only feel comfortable in abusive situations? Why do you torture yourself? Why do you hate yourself so much? Why do you want to be someone else? Why do you refuse to see the truth in front of you? Why are you ignoring your childhood abuse? Why are your romantic relationships a higher priority than everything else in your life? What are you running away from? Why are you so messed up? When did everything go downhill like this?