my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘truth’

questions

i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.

i’ve completed my first set of counselling

i’ve started university

also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms

 

these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.

i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.

it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.

is there something wrong with me?

should i just settle for bad relationships?

are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?

has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?

will it ever get better?

i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog. 

i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.

i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.

i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.

i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.

i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’

i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.

now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.

i don’t want to be ill forever

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How far can you run?

i was wondering to myself earlier today.. i wonder how much longer i can forget about everything and run away from it all before it comes back to slap me in the face.

How many more times can i ‘re-invent’ myself before i have to accept myself?

How much longer can i ‘avoid playing the victim’ until i realise that i’m not okay?

How many bad relationships do i have to enter before i learn from my past and confront any childhood issues?

How much longer will i keep punishing myself before i treat myself better than i treat those who have no respect for me?

when will i value myself as a person?

when will i like me?

when will i not let the opinions of other validate myself?

When will i stop waiting for tomorrow to implement these things?

it’s easy to run, it’s harder to face yourself. i don’t want to end up bitter and fucked up because of the actions of others. i don’t want to become a monster and punish others for things that weren’t their fault. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life scared by the past.

somehow i need to find courage to be brave enough to take practical action and stop reliving my past.

 

 

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