my heart treated like a revolving door.
no mercy, cruel, unkind
one time, twice, a third
false friendships and and false trust
Selfish, drunk and stupid
low self esteem
dragged on the floor with dirt
like the dirt you are.
then the door opens again.
i don’t really have one specific thing i want to write about at the moment.
a strange thing happened the other day. i remembered the name of my abusers. it was a pretty coincidental thing as one of my flatmates had friends over who had the same name as one of them. i didn’t really ‘go crazy’ , i just sort of processed the information and carried on.
i don’t know if this is a good thing or not.
maybe my brain is storing up all these bad things because if it unleashed it’s grip on the memories i probably wouldn’t be able to handle everything that is going on.
i’ve taken two of my exams. failed the most recent one i’m sure as i barely answered any questions. again there was no reaction, which is worrying me. or maybe it’s because i’ve realised that exams aren’t the be all and end all of my life. in regard to everything else that has happened, examinations seem pretty insignificant.
or maybe so much has happened that i’ve lost motivation and to tell the truth i would like it to come back.
i had an email from my psychology teaching who was saying she was worried about my health and she offered me extra lessons. i should be estactic about this. again , no emotion.
i don’t want to sink back into another bout of depression, i’m extremely tired and exhausted right now.
right now i trust nobody at all. i opened myself up to the people i thought i could trust and one by one they all betrayed me. i started dating again and to be honest i genuinely feel sorry for anyone with actual feelings that crosses my path right now. which is sad. i wasn’t always this cynical.
i went to a funeral today. i found it strange witnessing people who were so touched by the difference this one person had made to their lives. this is the thing about lack of emotion. on one hand it protects your mind on the other hand it numbs out any feeling of happiness. it is pretty depressing to be honest