I came across a term recently that gave me a sort of mental epiphany
it’s pretty amazing how this was such a revelation. in life nobody teaches you what to do when you get fucked over. you either continue down the same path. or you force yourself to learn and carry on wiser.
but in order to have boundaries, a person must first have some sort of self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem.
without this, you have no chance.
I think my moment came when i was willing to overlook certain problems such as alcoholism, domestic violence and plain not giving a shit about me, just so that i would feel wanted by someone.
and it came yet again in the form of repeated relationship patterns fuelled by fear of abandonment and security in abuse.
and again when i was apologising to myself last night for allowing myself to be put through this and accept it.
and again when i broke down crying because of it.
and again when i felt i had to define myself by the way i was treated, judged and viewed by others. One of the things i always liked about myself is that over time i had learnt to not care what others thought of me as long as i was happy and proud of the decision i had made and knew that it was good for me and what i wanted. i want this attribute back.
I will get it back.
I don’t know what will happen to me in the future, but it can’t be worse than the past.. well it could be. but i can’t control what will happen, I can only control the amount of willpower I put in to persevere.