i think i reached a crisis point yesterday but i have no idea why. all i remember is thinking about how unfair everything that had happened to me was, wanting to text my mum to distance myself away from her then falling on my bed contemplating ending everything. then i decided to call Samaritans before i did do something instead of just fantasizing about the idea.
when you see black, it’s almost peaceful but at the same time it’s a waste. maybe next week i won’t feel so shit , and then my ghost could be looking back saying ‘i told you so’.. don’t want to anger that ghost now do you..
joined a forum for fellow survivors http://www.aftersilence.org , they have a chatroom there which is useful so hope to use that sometime today. also need to work on this paranoia. i wonder if OCD is also part of rape trauma.
last night had a good whinge about my life to a mate.. well several mates actually. i don’t think it works because even when i clear my head, the same worries and anxieties just resurface again. maybe it’s time to sit down and tackle the root of the problem.