this is probably me reverting back into my most childlike state maybe i should give her a name.. little jenny. 🙂
i guess the weird thing about people who go through childhood abuse is that they never really get to be children, so they have an inner child kept in them for the rest of their lives which they may or maybe not feel the need to look after.
i never really felt looked after as a child. from sexual abuse to emotional abuse to seeing the violence going on in my own family. perhaps this is where all my strong opinions and morals have come from. perhaps this is why i might be described as slightly ‘disturbed’.
over the past few days i’ve been thinking a lot about my own mother. this may be due to hearing stories from other people about their own experiences with their relationships with their own mothers or maybe i just want to sort out my own confusing head. my mind is a bit of a bombsite tbh i think i need to take time out and sort it out properly.
there have been 2 incidents so far. the first i was asleep with my partner and had a little bout of sleep paralysis where i thought i was talking to him out loud about writing a letter to my mother. but i wasn’t. the second was having a dream yesterday of my mother telling me she wanted to commit suicide because she couldn’t cope with everything and me being really angry with her.
i think as time has gone by i have began to understand my mothers actions , however it doesn’t mean i will forgive someone who refuses to even acknowledge or apologize for them
This was written by my friend. I think it pretty much sums up how i feel about past relationships and those who want to control and manipulate free spirits.
‘ You cannot tame a butterfly
If you wish it to retain beauty
For only in freedom
Floating in the breeze
Is their splendour manifested
To keep one for yourself, contained
You must catch it in a net
Put it in a jar
Pin it to a board
Rip off its wings
Options boasting of barbarity ‘
i feel as if i am on the edge of something new, but i feel compelled by fear to hold on to old ways and the past.
today i met up with a friend who may possibly become a new sex partner. i also came to the realisation that if i was to enter a romantic relationship with someone , it wouldn’t be just to fill a void. i don’t want that anymore. i want someone who lights up my world and who makes me want them. i don’t want to feel as if i should settle. that’s something i’ve been doing for a long time. settling for people that don’t give me what i want because it’s better than not having anyone. but it’s not better, it just makes me feel even more alone.
i’m experiencing a new path and testing out what it is that i want and need.
my friend called me indecisive today, and suggested maybe it’s because i don’t know who i really am. maybe i don’t know anymore. so much stuff has happened recently and what i thought was stability has been thrown up in the air and now the pieces are waiting to hit the ground. i’m still waiting for them to fall in place.
i feel as if i have to remould myself. re define myself. get to know myself again. sexually and spiritually. over the years i’ve become very lost and extremely unhappy. hell, i’m still unhappy. but after this unhappiness somethind has to come of it.
it has to.
because if it doesn’t then what is the point?
change is supposed to be painful right?
so when does the pain end and when will i get to reap the benefits?
i wish i had someone to answer my questions