i woke up this morning and i realised i felt heartbroken. This was different to heartbreak i’d experienced before from the ending of relationships. It was weird, difficult to put a finger on. I felt empty. Alone. Exhauseted. Numb.
I wanted to hug myself and cry, to crawl back into bed because i didn’t want to face the day. to continue sleeping my life away. continue feeling fustrated. i was fustrated with myself. yesterday i’d made all these plans with what i was going to do with today and they fell apart. I was bitterly disappointed and felt as if I’d been set back. i didn’t even have the willpower to wake up.
I can’t cry. not right now. it’s like my mind is stubborn. too stubborn to let go and accept. so it keeps me in a constant state of turmoil and anxiety. insomnia and silent despair.
i feel as if i need to greive the loss of myself but i can’t. so i concentrate on greiving for other people and their problems. but then i found out today that sometime i really just don’t care. some peoples problems surely are nothing compqared to mine. nobody sits down with me and listens to my bullshit and self-pity so why should i? i don’t know where this anger comes from. then i feel disgusted with not being able to feel emphathy and ashamed for belittling the problems of others.. or do i really? maybe i need to be more selfish.
i went to counselling today. it’s the counselling i’m going to in the meantime before my ‘official’ counselling is set up in 6-12 weeks. ha. nobody can say i don’t try or put in the effort to get better. wait actually people do say that. by people i mean me. i don’t really believe i’m trying. maybe i’m being too hard on myself. maybe i’m not. nothing is ever good enough.
I’m going round in circles. big round wide circles of denial. because i refuse to believe i was raped as a child. that wasn’t me. rape doesn’t happen to people like me.
people like me? yes it does. having intelligence doesn’t make you exempt from rape, or emotional abuse or physical abuse. being smart doesn’t stop you from being vulnerable.
so i fight with myself. and keep trying to keep up the wall that’s keeping my inner emotions out, yet at the same time trying to bring the wall down. i wonder who will win. i’ll observe from the outside.
this is what sorrow is. it hurts so bad that you become immune to feeling it, just because you want to get by.