The past two days beginning from Friday were a very bad time for me, I think mainly because on Friday I took the first exam that I have taken in perhaps 4 years. I was reduced to a somewhat catatonic state that morning, further not helped by going on facebook first thing in the morning and taking a picture i had seen that my boyfriend had liked in the wrong way. I think on Friday I felt particularly overwhelmed due to the fact I felt as if I didn’t have very much support, but on the contrary I had a lot of support. I had a lot of support on facebook from ‘friends’. The past few days I have realised that instead of living in the real world I seem to be living in a facebook world, where my self worth becomes judged by how many likes I get, feeling as if I am in competition with people I do not even know and failing to actually keep real conversations and friendships going, but instead living my whole life on a screen. I am pretty addicted to facebook, I think mainly because when I lived at home with my mum I had no freedom and was not allowed to leave the house of my own free will, only maybe to run an errand to go to Iceland or something to buy a pint of milk. This imprisonment became so bad, that in the end my mum devised a diary of which I had to plan beforehand where I was going and on which day, otherwise she would throw me out of the house. I literally had to write ‘school’ on the days monday to friday, and obviously the weekend I was not allowed to go anywhere. I was 18, had just fully remembered the sexual child abuse I had been through and now on top of trying to deal with that, I was now having to deal with this new emotional abuse. I do not understand how a person can be so cruel as to deny a person freedom. I think this is one of the thing my mother has done that I will resent her for the most for a long period of time. Physically trapping me inside a toxic environment at the age of adulthood.
Mainly due to the fact I had nowhere to go, I began to spend days on end on social networking sites such as twitter and facebook, just in order to connect to the outside world. At this time they served me a great purpose as I was able to make friends which in turn eventually helped me to leave home and begin my own life. The problem is now though, that when I become very depressed I revert back to my childlike and catatonic state, and spend whole days on facebook, doing nothing except perpetuating a cycle of self hatred. Even now as I think about this, my right wrist becomes itchy. I think this is a form of self harm, I am denying myself thinking any sort of positivity and instead I have become focused on hating myself and constantly comparing myself to a fake world on a screen. Sometimes I do use facebook positively, to showcase pictures that I have drawn or photographs from events I have taken. I would still like to use facebook for these things, I just do not want to become dependent on facebook. My friend took a first step for me yesterday and deleted the app off my phone, however, I can still go on my phone internet and search fb and it will come up, as I did this morning. I am at a bit of a loss as to what I should do, I think of recent I have been lacking willpower and I am engrained in this cycle of wanting to feel shit. I think the more I write this blog, the more I have time to focus on myself. I have been making more of an effort to text and call people, so I am able to communicate with people without having to constantly be bombarded with a load of information and I have Whatsapp which I want to try and make my main communicative platform, over from facebook chat.
Most importantly I need to get out of the house and develop interests away from the computer and the internet, so now I am attempting to force myself to go out everyday, in order to restore some sanity and interact with the real world