Today i went back to counselling for the first time in a month. It was suprisingly ok. I got rid of all the fake pretending and smiling and stopped acting as if everything was good and just told the truth. Down to the last suicidal infected drop. I wasn’t hurried off in a straitjacket as I thought would have been the case.
I brought up the issue of my fear of ‘becomming my abuse’. the fear that because all i’ve know in relationships, both family relationships and romantic relationships is physical and emotional abuse.
The fear that i would subject future partners to that same cycle of abuse.
The fear that i would subject my friends to that abuse.
The fear that i may inflict that abuse on any children I may or may not have.
The fear that what if i nevewr got my shit together and became a child sexual abuser myself?
This is an area of my brain that I don’t like to go into, but if I don’t go into it and think about it, how can i combat any issiues that may make me become what i don’t want to become?
Tbh i have already abused one of my sisters emotionally and physically. I used to think it was just normal sibling rivalry or the arguments that sisters have, but today i came to the realisation it was probably something more. that i acted out on my sister because my mother and father both took out their aggression on me, and i couldn’t fight them completely but she was defensless against me. I’m not excusing what I’ve done but it now makes sense. I just hope that she doesn’t grow up too affected by it and doesn’t carry on the cycle to my younger brothers and sisters. One day I will explain. I guess that’s one more reason to keep going because i have apologies to make in the future.
I wonder when I will see my siblings again 😦
errm so yeah. things are getting slightly better. It fluctuates between extreme highs and extreme lows. and sometimes just plain in the middle. It’s tiring but there’s not much i can do about it right now except hold on.