my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘sexual abuse’

Non-titled – 31/05/2014

– This blog post again does not have a title as I didn’t put one when I was writing the notes for it. I am now remembering to do this 🙂

Waking up with anxiety is a big problem for me. I’ve noticed that when I record my Moodscope score just as I wake up in the morning it is usually a lot lower than my other scores that I have taken during the day. I don’t know if I should record my Moodscope scores twice- once in the morning and once in the evening. At the moment I am just trying to focus on recording the scores at least once a day. My plan for battling the depressing thoughts that \are fuelled by anxiety at the beginning of the day is by pushing them away by repeating a mantra in the morning when I wake up in my head. The mantra of ‘I love myself. I am a good person. I deserve good things. I deserve to heal’. Most times I just end up blurting this out in my head in a frantic attempt to push these thoughts away. I am starting to feel better in myself and the anxiety thoughts that I get at the beginning of the day as soon as I first wake up are beginning to lessen which is excellent.

When I made the notes for this post I wrote that I am aiming to dedicate portions of the day to self-love and positivity. I was also aiming to begin with spending 5 mins of each morning repeating this mantra. At this moment in time I haven’t specificially set out 5 minutes for this mantra but I am saying it and reminding myself to say it at different point of the day. I am also trying to find the time to sit down to write a daily journal entry, making a blog post and drawing, or going out and doing activities that I like. These all count as acts of self love , as do eating food, showering, sleeping, spending alone time and exercising. This is a lot to take on but when I think about it I have been doing these things anyways. I am aiming to attempt to continue to connect with myself on a daily basis as a grounding method.

I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of personal work that I have to do. However, when I wake up feeling tired and pissed off, I have to remind myself that the good mood I have been experiencing and the more positive experiences I have been having are due to me doing all this work despite it being difficult, alien and tiring. I am being to feel that it is ok to spend time alone, and that it is necessary. But also spending time with others and spending time doing other activities makes the time that I spend alone by myself feel more worthwhile and I enjoy that time more. My newest challenge is the challenge of being in the present. Not being in the past and feeling depressed. Or feeling anxious and worrying about the future. It is interesting how mental illness links with timeframe. A lot of the time I now find myself saying ‘Just worry about today’. Taking each day as it comes is completely new to me.

Lastly, the more I read about depression and anxiety, the more I begin to be able to name depression caused thoughts and anxiety caused thoughts as they are. Simply labelling a thought as ‘you are caused by anxiety , fuck off’ or ‘depression is making me think this’, is pretty empowering and is pretty useful aswel. I want to make the ‘normal’ voice in my head the loudest, so logically by labelling the negative thoughts as what they really are , this should help?? I hope so anyway..

 

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Sex after sexual abuse

I don’t really know where to begin with this. Ever since I was a pre-teen I was obsessed with sex, this may or may not have been due to childhood abuse but either way it was part of me. And to be honest I did enjoy being sexually empowered, in those situations when I felt I was in control of my sexuality and not being pressured into it. To put it bluntly – I like dirty, hot , messy, hard sex. But that doesn’t mean that my mind is in the right zone for it.

For the past 3 years I have either been in pain during sex or sexual contact, or mhy mind will drift away during sex, or I may black out and dissociate. This has all added to it being difficult for me to enjoy sexual pleasure or feelings and I’m guessing due to childhood abuse has made me feel embarrassed as if sex is something I should be ashamed of.

This has slowly started to improve with my current and last 2 partners. Its only over the past year that I have begun to slowly open up and let my body enjoy sex. This is important. I don’t want to continue my life associated sex with abuse and letting it impact my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, aswel as the effects that not being able to relax during consensual sex has on relationships.

I guess the best way to improve at something is practise.. and practise can be fun if you can think of ways to enjoy it. But I do not want to force myself into thinking about enjoying sex, I guess it will come back slowly over time and with care and nurture.

Who owns my body?

The answer to this question should be simple. Me

But sometimes i find that hard to believe.

When someone invades your body through rape, you take a very confused approach to this question.

I remember when i was younger and i’d be on public transport and men would grope me, or guys would ask for me number in the street, then ask for a hug and grope me.

I took it as a compliment, as being normal, as this was the way things were meant to be and that i shouldn’t complain. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that i have the right to dictate who should and shouldn’t touch me, and that i have the right to object to those who invade my personal space.

I feel as if a lot of men i have come across in life feel as if they have some right to my body. This happened again recently at a party where a refused to hug some random stranger and he got aggressive and tried to start a fight with me. It’s a bit of a revelation to know that i can actually exercise this right. And that – NO- these guys don’t have the right to touch me without my consent.

That i have the right to wear whatever the hell i want and not feel as if i have to accept ‘compliments’ by force, and my clothes do not give men the right to expect me to smile when they make sleazy comments. that i don’t have to respond to random strangers in the street out of a sense of ‘duty’ and out of fear.

It will take a while to absorb this and actually be confident about it. and to be honest it’s pitiful really, that to me and many other girls this mindset is a revelation.

Trying to organise my thoughts

I’m very confused at the moment and as a result i am very tired.

i don’t really know what i’m sup;posed to be worrying about at the moment, but i feel as if i should be worrying about something, however i’m too exhausted to actually care.

i keep having strange dreams. but in these recent ones i’ve been facing up to the situation instead of trying to run away

last night i had a dream that i was infected with the hiv virus. maybe as the days go past my dreams are becomming more and more about the sexual abuse.

i can’t really stop that, because i have to sleep.

i wish there was a bin were i could throw all my thoughts into, put a lid on it and never have to look back at them again.

Giving up being ‘The Good Samaritan’

Today i hear several disturbing pieces of information, which is probably to due with the fact that alcohol was fuelling the conversation.

I heard from one friend about how she’d sufferred incest as a child and sexual abuse from past lovers and could watch her self-destruct right in front of me.

From another friend i heard of how her gf was threatening to commit suicide if she left her and had hung her self a various number of times in front of her.

From another friend i heard of how her bf/lover/romantic partner was in deep depression and saw the only way out as killing himself and the toll it was taking on my friend.

all in the same day.

then i did something i don’t usually do. i sat there offered my help and suggestions then backed off. instead of attempting to be superwoman and defend everyone apart from myself i didn’t.

i think this is positive.

i now realise i have my own shit to take care of, and distracting myself with the woes of others will not make my problems go away.

Self harm romanticism

Last night i lost the plot and seriously started fantasizing about self-harm and how it would feel. I keep getting this weird urge in my wrist and i just feel lost and confused.

I’ve decided to cut down on the time i spend on the chatroom i used where rape survivors talk to one another.

I think the stories are triggering me too much at the moment and honestly do more harm than good. Although the people there are supportive I’m getting tired of reliving trauma every day and night. Also i think i’ve developed an addiction to it which is not helping me.

I don’t want to self harm and to be honest even the sight of menstrual blood makes me feel sick.

Bought some herbal medicine for anxiety and depression and going to start taking my sleeping pills regularly.

I’m not going to fuck of myself and my future because of 2 perverted bastards.

Video

Spoken word poetry about CSA

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