my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘self worth’

Boundaries.

I came across a term recently that gave me a sort of mental epiphany

‘Boundaries’

it’s pretty amazing how this was such a revelation. in life nobody teaches you what to do when you get fucked over. you either continue down the same path. or you force yourself to learn and carry on wiser.

but in order to have boundaries, a person must first have some sort of self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem.

without this, you have no chance.

I think my moment came when i was willing to overlook certain problems such as alcoholism, domestic violence and plain not giving a shit about me, just so that i would feel wanted by someone.

and it came yet again in the form of repeated relationship patterns fuelled by fear of abandonment and security in abuse.

and again when i was apologising to myself last night for allowing myself to be put through this and accept it.

and again when i broke down crying because of it.

and again when i felt i had to define myself by the way i was treated, judged and viewed by others. One of the things i always liked about myself is that over time i had learnt to not care what others thought of me as long as i was happy and proud of the decision i had made and knew that it was good for me and what i wanted. i want this attribute back.

I will get it back.

I don’t know what will happen to me in the future, but it can’t be worse than the past.. well it could be. but i can’t control what will happen, I can only control the amount of willpower I put in to persevere.

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An ode to my ex.

You were not the first, but yet you were the worst.

There’s something about undercover aggressiveness that hurts the most.

You were obviously deluded, yet I believed every word you said,

and even 10 months on your words still affect my actions and my thoughts.

there’s something about when you open your heart to someone and they twist it up and use it for their own sad gain.

You never want to trust again

You sabotage healthy relationships

You confuse your current with your past

You go crazy

I don’t know what I saw in you, oh wait yes I do. You were ‘Prince Charming’, until someone disagreed with you.

You were compassionate, until things failed to go your way

You were mature, until you got called out.

You were a cunt.

You were insecure, and so in turn you broke me down to fit beneath you

You used sex instead of affection. You measured your self worth by your genitalia. You were a coward

But you were brave enough to blame me for your shortcomings and prevent me from moving on in me my life.

You’re brave enough to drag on the cycle of abuse again and again

You were brave enough to cheat and blame it on me

You were smart enough to make me accept this treatment and to forgive you and even attempt to get you help

The thought of you disgusts me

The thought of you makes me want you

The thought of myself right now is scary, I don’t know who I am

You make me want to vomit

But I don’t hate you, I pity you.. I pity myself

I told you our relationship was a joke. And now I feel like a joke.

I’m ashamed of us.

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