my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘self-esteem’

Today’s counselling thoughts

(I write this as ‘Today’s counselling thoughts’, but I made the notes for this blog post about two weeks ago, I have since completed my CBT therapy, but that will be spoken about in a future blog post)

Today I finally spoke about my abandonment issues to my counsellor. This has been something that did not begin to affect me in my adult life until I started having serious emotional relationships, I think my problems with feeling abandoned first became apparent when I was around 16 and was in a pretty dysfucntional relationship with a guy I was seeing on and off for about two years.

I originally came into this counselling session with the belief that it was my final counselling session, however it wasn’t. It always seems to be as I near the end of counselling that I am most open, this is probably due to the fact that the counselling sessions I have had have been short term counselling. I hope one day that I am able to have a long term therapist so that I am able to build up a relationship and speak openly about my problems for a longer period of time, however the short term therapy that I have received has been useful

I spoke about the issues I have with abandonment, which have stemmed from the relationship I have with the adults in my life. For some reason I can no longer type ‘parents’. It is sad, but I do not feel as if these people deserve that label. This may be a temporary thing, I am not sure, I am just working through my inner child and the relationships that I have with these individuals. It helped me realise that I have an intense fear of feeling that I am being left alone. This reaction is mainly my inner child, because as an adult I need time alone in order to work through my feelings, also naturally I am a pretty solitary person, this is what helps me to be productive and to be myself.

I think in this counselling session is when I realised that I am only human. It was quite a revelation. To realise you are only human and that you are allowed to have reactions and emotions in regard to going through abuse. For some reason I have separated myself from other people, feeling that it is normal and encouraging people to cry and be upset if they have been hurt, but not doing this myself because for some reason another rule exists for me. I think subconsciously I feel that if I cry or allow myself to feel these feelings than somehow the perpetrators of this hurt will have won. But I think by thinking in this way that they have already won because I am not allowing myself to be ‘normal’ in the sense of having human emotions and reactions.

It was around this time that I made the revelation of only being human and recognising why I struggle so much with abandonment, is when I finally explained to my bf why I am such an insecure person. (This was also linked to another event which I will not type because it is a personal event in my relationship, also it is a bit embarrassing). I feel frustrated that this abandonment continues to plague my life, but I know understand that in order to overcome it, I have to sit with the feeling of abandonment and take myself back to the place from which these feelings originate from, acknowledge these feelings and cope with them in order to be able to move on in my adult life. I do not have the answers to everything at the moment, and I do not need the answers as the majority of the time as I have found out the hard way searching for answers as to why I was treated in this way does not actually make me feel better, it just makes me feel more confused.

My counsellor said to me what I already knew in myself, the fact that encouragement must come from myself. It doesn’t matter how long I spend in therapy or how many people tell me good things about myself or congratulate me for good things I have accomplished in my life. If I cannot congratulate myself or believe that I am a good person or have confidence in myself then there is no point in me doing all this work. It is only now that I am admitting that I have done a lot of work in order to still be standing here alive and still fighting today. I am now trying to learn to be present in myself. To acknowledge that I exist and that I am living and breathing and fighting. I need to recognise positive things I have done. Some times it feels like I am banging my head against a rock, but eventually I do allow myself to be proud in what I have achieved and recognise that I have indeed achieved good things. I want to gain my confidence to be myself back. I want my life back. Those who tried to put me down and abuse me and make me hate myself do not deserve to win. I deserve to win. It is my life.

My new task is now spending time alone with myself. Recognising that spending time by myself is not a bad thing. That life with myself is not a bad thing. I now say to myself throughout the day ‘I love myself. I am a good person and I deserve good things’. I am now beginning to believe it more than I did when I first began to repeat this mantra. It is only in loving myself that I will continue to have the strength to continue to heal from abuse and to live my life to the fullest. It is a pretty difficult thing to learn when nobody has taught you how to do this, but there is no better time to start.

Lastly, I discussed the fear I have of everything going wrong and the need to be in control because of this fear. I now recognise this as anxiety. And anxiety is not real. I realise I have anxiety because my inner child is still damaged and scared and living in the past of my childhood. It is only by connecting with my inner child and facing this childhood that I can free myself from this anxiety and from consistently living in fear.

My counsellor explained to me that fear will be my initial reaction to most things due to anxiety and due to the need to stay in control, but I have to feel the fear and continue to push through it anyway. If I believe in myself and have this confidence then I can do anything no matter how scary it may seem at first glance.

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The cycle of anxiety

It seems that I have a backlog now of ideas for blog posts haha, which is strange but I guess also shows that in order to avoid this backlog I need to update the blog more. So now this is my homework I have realised that counselling cannot only be my counsellor only telling me words but me making sure aswel that I am doing the extra personal work that is required for me to learn and continue my journey of self recovery. As it turns out it seems to be the further the journey goes on the harder it is getting. Facing yourself in your own head is pretty hard work but at times it is rewarded. I just took my Moodscope test this morning and it says that i have scored my highest score to date which to me sounded pretty astounding ūüôā

I had a very open discussion with my counsellor yesterday as well which helped and i feel a bit more clearly about things.

I have been thinking a lot about the cycle of anxiety. It seems as if my brain and mind seem to have a constant need to knock myself out with anxiety, as a high or i guess my natural state of feeling I need to be in fear due to that constant fear that was always present in general. It would seem that experiences in your past as a child, lately have the ability to manifest in anxiety and depression in adulthood. So perhaps trying to confront these illnesses in yourself will help you to come to terms with these events, as they come about due to the traumatic events.

Anxiety is strange in the sense that I seem to have the ability to purposely make myself agitated, which is in some form a type of mental self-harm. Or another form of control due to feeling so out of control for such a long period of time. I then seem to have the ability to wake up the next day and not realise what it was that was causing so much stress and worry. I think in a way is the same affect as being on drugs and constantly being kept up and paranoid because it is a different state as to what you are normally. 

i previously was confused at how to go about attempting to overcome this cycle of anxiety. And I have noticed it seems to come back constantly when I am at my lowest, So the logical solution to this would be to have a set of coping mechanisms to revert to when I felt this low. It has also occured to me that I should make some sort of care plan for myself. Which means buying another notebook. haha, I have a lot of notebooks now, I think I need to get used to writing a lot, but it is helping.

When I reach these bad periods i need to be able to calm down and reflect, to think rationally ans clearly writing helps in this. I think the writing and re writing again in various different ways helps to make whatever I have been thinking a reality, help me to process from it, whilst still acknowledging what ever effect it has, and move on.

I made a decision to continue to write a blog online but to write down what i wanted to say first, this makes me constantly have to reflect on what I want to say first,and give me time to register my own feelings and wait for them to sink in. 

Life beyond self hatred?

When I began this blog it was sort of half a personal blog for myself, and also a blog for the public. I don’t know why but I always have felt the need to broadcast my life to people in the hopes of sorting out things in my head. Obviously it is good to talk to people about your problems, but sometimes I find myself writing or acting out my life in the way I feel that other people would like. I don’t think this is good because it doesn’t particularly help me, it just puts in my head the idea that I am staring in some sort of soap drama, when in reality I am not, and really what I need to do is reconnect with myself and stop disassociating from my life and my feelings. I need to learn to live my life for myself, something I was not taught to do and now I am struggling to learn how to do.

¬†Yesterday I bought myself a little pocket notebook, one of those small notebooks that I can slip in my handbag and carry around with me to jot ideas down. I am using this notebook as my blogging notebook, mainly because I ask myself a lot of emotional questions and have the bad habit of overthinking and then never remembering what I was thinking about. I think it helps me to think out things but sometimes I feel I think too much and it doesn’t really get me anywhere.. perhaps that is anxiety.

Its a bit strange getting used to the idea of writing out my blog before I type it up, but I think maybe in this way I keep a bit for myself, I do it for myself, I am the first one I am writing to, I am not writing for the benefit or for the eyes of other people. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to write a personal blog for myself. I guess in this sense it is a diary, but instead I just ramble on about things. Come to think of it I don’t really understand what the difference between a blog and a diary is really, I guess a blog is just online.

anyways i guess i should type up what i wrote yesterday (saturday):-

¬†My problem with anxiety and depression and fantasying catastrophes for myself, the destructive high of drama and negativity reached new heights yesterday. Partly it was not all my fault, but I understand that I do need to work hard at taking care of myself and being present and off the internet and in touch with myself. I haven’t really decided what my plan is. To plan blog posts and write them up, or to generally keep a diary. i think keeping a diary I can write in, or as many different writing books as possible would be best.

¬† I am tired of hating myself and feeling bad and undesirable. When I am not causing myself stress of thinking that the worst is aways about to happen, of feeling that good things do not deserve to happen to me. Of never wanting to feel present in my life. As if my life is unimportant and that I need to be someone other than myself. It is a habit and an addiction and like all addictions, the negative effects are time wasting, both mentally and physically. I think the main truth if it really is I feel lost and I’m not ¬†really quite sure what to so with myself. Perhaps this is what spurs on the need to feel miserable all the time. I need to actually be able to sit down and not be too hard on myself, I have been through alot, particularly atm and I am going through and anniversary of sorts.¬†

I think now the message of one day at a time, i really need to take seriously, before I push myself into another breakdown. I am finding it very hard by myself, being alone, not having constant comfort from my bf, feeling as if I will never see him again, feeling as if he will leave me and forever abandon me. The fear of abandonment, it is my biggest fear, although I will never talk about it to anyone. Never to a counsellor, never to a friend, never to my bf, never to myself really. How does a person get rid of the fear of being abandoned, when they constantly feel that they themselves are not worth sticking around for? 

I am very tired atm, I think it was the mental exhaustion from Friday, I need to rest and relax, but as soon as I think that, the first thought is to go back onto social media, on to fb, on to the internet, to feel wanted. I think perhaps recognising when I am not in a state where I feel good about myself, that it is not productive or helpful to do these things.

On reflection, the fear that my bf will disappear forever has never been made reality, I think the main problem is fear of abandonment from my mother, father and uncle, during my time of need – childhood, and my inner child doesn’t know how to cope with this. I became an adult too early and now I am confused. It is as if I have an obsession with abandonment. It causes me to fail to spend quality time with myself and it causes me to fail to understand why people would wish to spend quality time with me

An explanation

The past two days beginning from Friday were a very bad time for me, I think mainly because on Friday I took the first exam that I have taken in perhaps 4 years. I was reduced to a somewhat catatonic state that morning, further not helped by going on facebook first thing in the morning and taking a picture i had seen that my boyfriend had liked in the wrong way. I think on Friday I felt particularly overwhelmed due to the fact I felt as if I didn’t have very much support, but ¬†on the contrary I had a lot of support. I had a lot of support on facebook from ‘friends’. The past few days I have realised that instead of living in the real world I seem to be living in a facebook world, where my self worth becomes judged by how many likes I get, feeling as if I am in competition with people I do not even know and failing to actually keep real conversations and friendships going, but instead living my whole life on a screen. I am pretty addicted to facebook, I think mainly because when I lived at home with my mum I had no freedom and was not allowed to leave the house of my own free will, only maybe to run an errand to go to Iceland or something to buy a pint of milk. This imprisonment became so bad, that in the end my mum devised a diary of which I had to plan beforehand where I was going and on which day, otherwise she would throw me out of the house. I literally had to write ‘school’ on the days monday to friday, and obviously the weekend I was not allowed to go anywhere. I was 18, had just fully remembered the sexual child abuse I had been through and now on top of trying to deal with that, I was now having to deal with this new emotional abuse. I do not understand how a person can be so cruel as to deny a person freedom. I think this is one of the thing my mother has done that I will resent her for the most for a long period of time. Physically trapping me inside a toxic environment at the age of adulthood.

 Mainly due to the fact I had nowhere to go, I began to spend days on end on social networking sites such as twitter and facebook, just in order to connect to the outside world. At this time they served me a great purpose as I was able to make friends which in turn eventually helped me to leave home and begin my own life. The problem is now though, that when I become very depressed I revert back to my childlike and catatonic state, and spend whole days on facebook, doing nothing except perpetuating a cycle of self hatred. Even now as I think about this, my right wrist becomes itchy. I think this is a form of self harm, I am denying myself thinking any sort of positivity and instead I have become focused on hating myself and constantly comparing myself to a fake world on a screen. Sometimes I do use facebook positively, to showcase pictures that I have drawn or photographs from events I have taken. I would still like to use facebook for these things, I just do not want to become dependent on facebook. My friend took a first step for me yesterday and deleted the app off my phone, however, I can still go on my phone internet and search fb and it will come up, as I did this morning. I am at a bit of a loss as to what I should do, I think of recent I have been lacking willpower and I am engrained in this cycle of wanting to feel shit. I think the more I write this blog, the more I have time to focus on myself. I have been making more of an effort to text and call people, so I am able to communicate with people without having to constantly be bombarded with a load of information and I have Whatsapp which I want to try and make my main communicative platform, over from facebook chat. 

Most importantly I need to get out of the house and develop interests away from the computer and the internet, so now I am attempting to force myself to go out everyday, in order to restore some sanity and interact with the real world

Boxes

i feel as if i am in a ‘putting everything into boxes’ stage.

 

im a bit confused  my brain feels as if its trying to solve 101 problems at the same time the first problem being how the hell do i look after myself?

my head is spinning and i feel dizzy.

it sounds silly, i’m 20 and after so many years of focusing and looking after other people i still do not know how to look after myself.

i don’t think i’ve been looking after myself very well because my back pain is still there, i’m still anxious, stressed and exhausted all the time.

i duno maybe i need to sit down and have a think and some proper time to myself find a way to rest without sleeping the entire day away.

find a way to calm and centre myself in order to conserve energy and exercise my brain and body by doing positive things.. and retraining my mind to not always be in the negative.

i should probably practice the ‘holi-hour’.. one hour a day where you do something nice and relaxing for yourself which makes you feel good.

imagine having to pencil in relaxation time for yourself into your diary

… crazy world

why?

Always searching for approval

but never my own.

Someone else’s opinion

Is always more important.

                                            Why?

 

Bending over backwards for others

Couldn’t even do the same for myself

Always 2nd class

                                                  Why?

 

Live a life apologising

Never heard the words sorry myself

Apologise for hurt caused by others

Good for nothing.

                                                       Why?

 

Jealousy.

Never live up to others

To her – to him –¬† everyone –

elses happiness first

nevermind.

Disgust. Not deserving of happiness.

Confidence zilch.

                                                            Why?

 

No priority for me.

Thoughts

It seems to be these days i always come out with the intention of writing about one thing but then i end up writing about a whole bunch of things together.

i might aswel start with the thing that has been bugging me the most today. one of my friends is a bit difficult to handle and today she decided to insult me. to cut a long story short when you try and reach out to someone and they constantly cut you off and reply with one word answers.. you tend to stop giving a shit.

  apparently my friend does not have enough time in her day to have a conversation with me over trivial matters.

i think maybe in the past i would have let someone get away with talking to me as if my time is not worthwhile, but for some reason this made me very angry and upset. it made me feel as if i was an irritation. a silly little child. not someone who was trying to reach out to someone who was in trouble.

anyways..

i am now currently trying to come to terms with the label of ‘disabled’. i think it’s a sort of stigma really which is hard to get over. being diagnosed with depression means i am classified as a disabled student, which means i am liable for certain types of support.

i think it is the whole trying to come to terms with a new identity or fitting together pieces of my life slowly and getting to know who i actually am again.

i still feel very raw from everything that has happened.

i guess things will slowly improve or fit together.. or i duno.

i probably have a lot more thinking to do

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