I’ve had a lot of thinking to do this week and have also had a lot happen. It’s been a pretty intense week. I got into university and also on the same day i had my first public emotional breakdown.
alongside being embarrassed at breaking down crying whilst lying down on the street and sobbing hysterically into the arms of two friends whilst being completely drunk out of my head, i realised that i probably did need to have a long hysterical cry.
it has only just occurred to me now , that perhaps i have been to hard on myself over the past few months and i really just don’t give myself a break. there’s only so much a person can take, so i guess its better in than out. i actually felt pretty good after the whole thing was over anyways.
i’ve been questioning myself recently and i’m trying to decide whether or not i do actually know who i am anymore, and if i don’t a- as change is inevitable – do i like this new person i’m growing into?
another thing i’ve realised is how i relate to others around me. in regard to men, i now know that i don’t need to be validated by them and a man’s ‘approval’ will not b e the be all and end all of my existence. recently i’ve also turned down a lot of sex offers as i’ve noticed that in all truth i don’t want to sleep with these guys and i really don’t entertain the idea of ‘pity sex’ anymore, to try and make myself/them feel better.
in regard to girls, i’ve noticed that before i seemed to measure myself up against them in terms of who was more attractive physically. this is stupid as i’ve realised by determining your self worth in terms of your looks, it just shows that deep down you don’t really have any. confidence shouldn’t be cosmetic. i’ve also noticed the bitchiness i’ve received from other girls who have initially complimented me and then shortly after hit back with a cutting remark. it’s all very childish and pathetic and sad to be honest.
so.. i am still on this journey of trying to get back in touch with myself and looking after myself. allowing myself to cry if i want and not shame myself. allowing myself to think that i am more than my looks, educating my mind. allowing myself to be proud of being myself, and not idolising others. also trying to learn to stop putting myself down so much and to try and gradually deal with all my new thoughts that seem to be bubbling up. it’s all very exhausting.